Saturday, July 19, 2008

Still Alive-ish

The few of you who actually care about me have been asking for an update on my health (the rest of you have earned the Voodou wrath of Zorzan™). All I can say for sure at this point is that A) the hospital has taken back all their equipment except the stitches in my neck so I’m off the dreaded antibiotics, 2) sleeping and cooking and moving around and masturbating and showering is much easier when you’re not attached to things, especially drainage tubes that come out the back of your neck and latch onto your pillows before sending you scurrying to the toilet for the umpteenth time in the middle of the night, and III) I’m not quite dead yet.

I am currently enjoying the little things in life, like farting. For the last month, since the hospital got their claws (actually IV’s) in me, I’ve had nonstop 24/7 diarrhea even when I didn’t eat for several days, however that’s possible. (Insert “So, you really are full of shit” joke here) That meant any time I awoke in the middle of the night and felt like I had gas, I knew I had to immediately get to the bathroom with all my equipment because, if I tried to let it out, I would have to wash my shorts and sheets and I would need a shower, which I couldn’t really take because I was not allowed to get my dressings, catheter, or IV pump wet. Now I can gas at will. I’m saving it for an elevator. I can also shower every part of my body, which is ironic now that I no longer have the urge to soil myself.

I’ve been asleep for most of the time since I left work early yesterday at noon, and for the first time in nearly two months I have a little bit of energy. I have nothing to do with it, having no plans or available non-virtual friends, so I’ll probably spend the weekend in bed reading the remaining 800 pages of Gai-Jin. If my strength holds and I awake in time, I may go get some Chinese takeout tomorrow so I can see my favorite Chinese waitress. She hasn’t seen me since I fell ill and I’m eager to continue our romance, by which I mean learn her name. Wish me luck, cross your fingers, pray to your various deities, burn incense, and/or sacrifice something for my good fortune. If I fail, it will be your fault. Did I mention the dreaded Voodou wrath of Zorzan™.

UPDATE - I slept through lunch. Curse you all.

12 comments:

Gib said...

Gai-Jin was pretty good - have you read Clavell's other stuff?

Avitable said...

Glad you're alive-ish. You missed an Atlanta blog get-together this weekend. I almost drove up for it, but then got too busy.

metalmom said...

Is that all you got, ya whiny bastard?

Oh well, at least you'll get a bath or something soon, right? I thought that smell was your corpse!

(MUAH!)

Enemy of the Republic said...

Slayer loves you, my son.

Grant said...

gib - I'm reading them in order of setting, so this is #3 for me (after Shogun and Tai Pan). So far it's great - Shogun may be better, but it's too early to tell.

avitable - I'm surprised you didn't go just for the a/c. Other than gib, I don't know any Atlanta bloggers so I hadn't heard about this gathering. I only hear about gatherings too far to attend.

mm - no bath since I don't want to lay around in my own filth, but I did manage a shower today. I rule! Sorry, but lately I've been thrilled by all the little things I can handle.

enemy - they should, I've bought all their albums.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh curse you and the elevator you fart in, dammit!

You know how I feel about elevator farts! ;)

Good to hear you're feeling better and are no longer soiling yourself...:)

SJ said...

I didn't know you were in hospital.
I didn't know you came back to blogger.
Then EoR told me... and pestered me enuf to come and take a look ;)

Jokes apart - good to hear you are well again.

Monogram Queen said...

So sorry you slept through lunch.
I am glad you are on the mend my friend. Yes, I was concerned. If I lived closer you would have had a mamma hen clucking over you and annoying the shit out of you.

NYD said...

It's almost unfortunate that the hospital disconnected you. A few more months and you wouldn't have needed a Halloween costume.

Grant said...

pq - I'm saving it all for your favorite elevator.

sj - when I returned, it looked like your blog had gone dormant. Glad you're still active in the bloggyverse.

mq - since getting off the antibiotics I don't need as much food, but you are more than welcome to visit and cook for me. :p

nyd - I was trying to think positive and hope the drug / treatments would give me super powers, but I couldn't see a place in the world for Perpetual Flaming Shit Man. "This looks like a job for - oooh, I need to find a toilet."

Gib said...

Other than gib, I don't know any Atlanta bloggers so I hadn't heard about this gathering.

And unfortunately, knowing me doesn't get people into the cool parties.

Joe said...

Glad to hear you're still recovering well. I was worried I'd actually have to come down there to check on you.