Sunday, May 29, 2011

Memorial Weekend Celebration

Long ago on one of my birthdays I finally decided that spontaneity sucks. I woke up, decided to go to a historic site, couldn't find it, went shopping for a gift, found the store had moved, then went to a restaurant that sounded interesting and discovered it closed. That night I printed maps and directions, found new places online, and did the whole thing right the next day. Preparation is good, but the key to successfully planning an event is to later claim everything happened according to your plans. So, in retrospect, here is my plan for an insightful and enjoyable Memorial Day weekend.

  1. Sick of living off beans and applesauce for weeks, force myself to go to the grocery.
  2. Feeling too ill to cook any of the new food, grab dinner from McDonald's.
  3. Debate with employees at both windows about who will provide a receipt (final decision - neither).
  4. Spend hours having menopause hot flashes and constantly turning the a/c down.
  5. Fever breaks, periodically turn a/c up again and fall asleep on futon watching reruns of Scrubs.
  6. Awaken in the middle of the night to discover I am nauseous because I am in mid-vomit.
  7. Consider running to the toilet, but decide it is too late to not puke on the futon and floor and decide to contain the damage to that area.
  8. Note that regurgitated fries look like watery oatmeal, scoop vomit into the futon covers then race them to the washing machine.
  9. Realize too late that the machine was already almost full.
  10. Mop up remaining bits of vomit, turn washer on, go to bed.
  1. Awaken too late to check status of vomit - rush off to work.
  2. Enter apartment to realize that the day's heat did not cause the sour vomit smell to dissipate.
  3. Discover that the washer was indeed overloaded and that some of the vomit was more solid than first appeared.
  4. Unload washer, shake clothes to dislodge larger chunks into the trash, place in piles.
  5. Spend evening doing several rounds of trying to clean the barf juice from the futon cushion while disinfecting the air with Green Apple Lysol while washing a load of clothes followed by scraping the leftover vomit out of the washing machine.
  1. Out of bed by the crack of five PM. Notice apartment still smells of vomit.
  2. On the advice of Tracy whose Puke-fu is strong, go to Publix to buy Oxy Clean, aka Barf Begone (not a real slogan, but it should be).
  3. Consider buying a box of Friday's Bacon and Cheddar Potato Skins because they're half off.
    Q - how can you identify what is on sale at Publix?
    A - look for the empty spaces on the shelves.
  4. Having learned my lesson, have burger and fries from Krystal as the day's meal instead. (note - this time, pass on barfing since I'm still dealing with Thursday's upheaval)
  5. While cleaning futon again, decide to name this weekend Vomitmas 2011.
  1. Awaken and note that Sunday will not in fact be the first day of Vomitmas that will not revolve around stomach issues.
  2. Look at new food, decide I can't stomach anything stronger than beans and applesauce, then eat them on the futon that no longer smells like a fraternity carpet while watching Scrubs reruns.
  1. Back to work! (at least I have permission to work this day from home)
There - all goals achieved. I guess that means I both had fun and reflected on the lives lost in order to give me my distinctive American lifestyle.


GrrlTragic said...

oh dude, ouch.

metalmom said...

Get a dog. They love to eat vomit....their own and everyone else's (note-sometimes it works with shit too.)

Avitable said...

I don't know if I should feel pity or just send you a gun and a single bullet.

Anonymous said...

Yeah... that sounds like a fun weekend.
I hope you feel better now.

Fernweher said...

I dont know why exactly, but this is my FAVORITE post I have seen of yours so far. Maybe it's because I have been a huge bum lately and your post makes me feel like I am not alone. One question: I thought you were a dude? So were u really undergoing menopause flashes or was that just a figure of speech?

tiff said...

oh dear - are you sure you're not a newborn?

Martini said...

Been a while... nice to see you're still around! Speaking of vomit... I used to mix up oatmeal with milk and water, then dump it into the toilet and tell my mom I threw up. Got a few days off school for that brilliance. :)

Leesa said...

I was given the task of doing a meme, and as per the rules, I tagged you. It is a deceitful meme, because it looks like an award. You can see the rules on my blog.

PBS said...

OMG, that does NOT sound like fun. Hope your Fourth of July will be much, much better!

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GrrlTragic said...

Grant, are you ok? You've been totally MIA for so long, did you just get tired of blogging? I hope that's all it is. I keep checking though.. I miss you bud ~xo

April said...

I found some Bunnies for you. I hope you like them! Ps. Where the hell you been?

Martini said...

Dude, everything Ok? Haven't seen any bunnies or anything for a while! What's up??

Mrs Housley said...

Grant... where have you been?!??!

GrrlTragic said...

Dear Grant, I don't know where you are or why you haven't been seen online, I just know that I miss my friend. It kinda breaks my heart to look back here and see it so quiet, I check in regularly and I don't know how to connect with you otherwise. I'm going to try to stand back and not be so irritating plus just ... I miss you. You know where I am, please contact me if you read this. Godspeed brother, namaste ♥