Thursday, January 20, 2011


With the help of iTunes shuffle, I have decided to read YOUR PERSONAL horoscope for the year of 2011, thus saving you the trouble of having to live out the year yourself. Beginning with:

January: Slayer - God Hates Us All - Here Comes the Pain. The year starts on a very positive note, as you're already no doubt aware because your love life is fulfilling and your bank account is full and you've just received a promotion to a job within a major corporation that spends all of its free time helping the homeless.

February: P.O.D. - Satellite - Boom. Next month, the moon will collide with the Earth and both will explode. But then they will recover. And then things will go seriously downhill.

March: The Allman Brothers Band - The Devil's Rejects (motion picture soundtrack) - Midnight Rider. In March, you will sit down to write a simple blog post and then will be traumatized when you are forced to write something really long when you thought you would be getting away with a cheat.

April: Slayer - Cult (single) - Cult. As part of a twelve step recovery program, you will join a group of very nice people who worship Giant Atomic Chickens. I will be your Grand Poobah / Father Confessor / Messiah / Bunny Rancher. Make checks payable to me. You know you have the money (see January).

May: Christian Altenburger, Helmut Winschermann, German Bach Soloists - Top 100 Masterpieces of Classical Music (disk 2) - Mozart Violin Concerto #3 in G, KV216 - Movement 1. You will have a flashback to March and wonder just what the hell you were complaining about then.

June: The Jimi Hendrix Experience - Are You Experienced? You are not now nor will you ever be.

July: Soundgarden - Down on the Upside - Switch Opens. The summer kicks into high gear emo style. You will begin to wear dark clothing and bitch about the heat. July makes little sense, and neither does this prediction.

August: Kiss - Destroyer - King of the Nighttime World. Things finally begin to look up after a long, hot summer when you become a vampire just in time for the nation to be gripped by Twilight fever when Twilight #258 - The Undead Have Are Boring and Morose Motherfuckers (the IMAX experience) hits theaters.

September: Spinal Tap - This is Spinal Tap - Sex Farm. Those sidelong glances and "accidental" touches finally pay off when, after an extensive hay-baling session, you finally get to make it with the family goat. Perv.

October: Alice Cooper - Trash - Only My Heart Talkin'. Alas, the courthouse will deny your petition for a vampire / goat wedding when rumors emerge that one of you might be gay.

November: Slayer - Undisputed Attitude - Spiritual Law. Heartbroken, you will try to turn your problems over to God only to learn that the GAC worshippers based their theology on a truncated Mayan calendar and believe the world has already ended (wikipedia The Apeckalypse for more info).

December: King Diamond - Fatal Portrait - The Portrait. All will be well in the holiday season and you should not worry at all that the Hannukwanzaramadamasux prediction is based on a song written by a Satanist about a girl's soul being stolen. (True prediction - you will burst into flames.)

Notes: idea scavenged from Pearl. Also, if any of this proves to be less than 100% accurate, a printout of this post will be considered legal evidence in a lawsuit against Apple.


Jay said...

April looks like it will be fun.

Pearl said...

Rock on, Grant!

Oddly enough, I have most of those albums, although I now keep King Diamond in a brown paper bag.



Avitable said...

Didn't I just come up with horoscopes like last week? I know you want to be me and all . . .

Actually, I like this idea of pairing it with iTunes. Prepare for said idea to be summarily stolen.

Maundering mutterer said...

Oh: That's rather a mild year then - I thought it was going to include some 'As I lay dying' only to be rescued by the 'Electric wizard'. I realize not long after that he's a Judas Priest whereupon I am Avenged Sevenfold. After all this excitement, I return to my Cradle of Filth to shelter from the Night in Gales. A Merciful Fate.

At least it sin't ABBA....

Anonymous said...

Hey- I got about 60% of the references in your post! Include MM's ABBA and I'm up to 65%.

tiff said...

I can work with the May 'scope - thanks!

Captain Dumbass said...

Thanks for mapping out the year for me.

Muskrat said...

Damn Avitable with his posts theft.

June totally rocks...not.

Grant said...

Jay - maybe I'll sleep until then.

Pearl - he'll suffocate if you don't let him out.

Avitable - yes, we're all trying to be you. You should start your own "Who wants to be an Avitable?" fantasy camp.

Maundering mutterer - I'm dedicating this year to Satan, so it should cut back on the religious craziness.

PAMO - congrats, but this is generally an Abba free blog. :p

tiff - my birthday is also then, so it's a double win.

Captain Dumbass - now you can go back to bed and try again in 2012.

Muskrat - he totally steals all of his posts from me.

Ricardo said...

I think the first slayer song is the theme for my whole year :-/