Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Take 2 Versace and call me in the morning

Since I was sick to the point that it was difficult to work a consistent 40 hour work week (although I'm back in my cubicle now), I've been going to the doctor more than planned. A couple of weeks ago he upped my meds, drew a lot of blood, and ran a battery of tests which resulted in some unexpected and devastating turns. I'll try to share them here with as little drama as possible as not to compound the tragedy.

My a1c hemoglobin number (the main measure of how well one is controlling diabetes) is supposed to be between 4.2 and 6. During my last check, our goal was to reduce it to 7 (i.e. only slightly fatal). Current level - 5.6 (safe).

My thyroid number was previously below one, but not below 0.34 which is the point they begin treatment (average is around three). My new number - 1.57. I have mixed feelings about this. True, I don't have to take more meds, but it means the treatment for my current level of fatigue is "suck it up, wuss".

Some other weird thing I've never heard of that deals with muscle inflammation was supposed to be between 55 and 170. My score - 672. That warranted another visit. They think it's just a fluke since I was getting over a virus and I don't have any other symptoms, but they're rechecking it and I should know something definitive soon, such as that I need to return for more tests.

Since doubling my blood pressure meds again, my readings have dropped from 200 / 70 (i.e. "are you sure your heart hasn't exploded yet?") to 130 / 90, which is merely very unhealthy. The doctor prescribed yet another med, but it is combined with the one I was already taking so no more pills. I have to return in six weeks, which the reception desk translated to "under a month", to retest and see if the new meds are working and/or have killed me.

Then I went to my hot bunny pharmacist to pick up the new drug and found that a) she just received the fax and so I had to hang out and chat with / ogle her while she filled it, and b) none of her usual helpful and friendly non-bunny assistants (bunch of dickbags) were there to get in our way. So we talked about what the new drugs could do to me (the old med is included so I get to keep my persistent cough, but the new one could add swelling in all the extremities except the one I would pay to have swollen), and then she dropped the bomb on me - the exact combination of drugs at that particular dosage is not available in my usual generic $4 prescription, so I had to pay for a designer label (I'm guessing Louis Vutton) for FIFTY FECKING DOLLARS! For a thirty day supply! If I drop one of those suckers down the drain, that S-bend is coming off so I can retrieve it.

Naturally the bunny came to the rescue. Since my retest is in under a month, they can decide to up the meds again (natch) and then I'll be back on the generics. Or if they decide I must have that precise dosage, the doctor can prescribe them separately and I'll just have two $4 refills. Or since my last tests were mostly good, I can just quit all my meds and spend the extra money on cake and beer. Since I've already paid my doctor two copays in the past few weeks and I don't want my pharmacist to know I spread my refills out so that I get to see her as often as possible, I'll leave this decision up to the Magic 8 Ball.

Okay, cake and beer it is. I wonder what cake goes best with what beer?


Avitable said...

Cake is only meant to be enjoyed with a cup of melted ice cream which resembles milk, except more magical and worse for you.

Captain Dumbass said...

I think she digs you.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

You should totally throw Bunny Pharmacist to the floor and have your way with her.

And I think the perfect cake accompaniment to beer is red velvet with cream cheese icing. Then wrap the whole thing in bacon. If you're going to kill yourself with food, then go for the gusto.

Pearl said...

Actually, I have been around and have been semi-aware of your plightness. Now, really, you must get better -- but not if it interrupts with your sense of humor.

Oh, and all cake goes well with beer, but especially yellow. No one knows why.


SJ said...

Beer is good with cake or without cake.

Maundering mutterer said...

Beer goes well with beer :)

Hope you'll enjoy many more beers and much less medication (not that meds are enjoyable except for some which they never prescribe anyway, but you know what I mean)!

Lady Tragic said...

Do they make bacon cakes? I think that would rock with beer. Also, my blood pressure is the exact opposite as yours.. Everytime they check mine, without fail, some nurse immediately turns ghost white and starts asking if I've ever had problems with internal bleeding, do I have a headache, what year is it, etc. my BP is stupid scary low.. My pharmacist is Nurse Ratched's evil twin, for real.

Grant said...

Avitable - I wonder if I can use the ice cream to make a beer float since that supposedly works with that poser fake root beer.

Captain Dumbass - I'm sure my rampant illnesses and the load of drugs I'm required to take to stay alive are a major turn-on.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter - I checked, but my insurance doesn't cover sexual assaults on the pharmacist.

Pearl - it must be because they fashionably match. I wonder if chocolate icing is similarly the best icing for beer.

SJ - but is cake good without beer? I'll have to experiment and find out.

Maundering mutterer - beer is also good with drugs. And drug bunnies.

Lady Tragic - I have seen bacon chocolate bars, but the don't come recommended even by people who like bacon and chocolate. And we should totally get our blood pressures to date. Their children might average out to be healthy.