Monday, August 09, 2010

Why I am awesomer than you

Yesterday I got rid of my eight year old car and replaced it with a shiny, new, bunny-friendly RAV4. The salesman took a picture of me in it:
If you've felt the pinch of the economy and are unable to drive a nice new vehicle like me, then allow me to say HA HA HA ON YOU FUCKERS! Of course, if you have a better vehicle than me, then I'm still better than you because I don't define myself by my possessions, even though I could because I have a really big TV and a new car and my new computer can play Dragon Age while web surfing and my apartment is full of booze and a/c. Oh, and I have thousands left in the bank. You can have access to all that is mine if you are a hot Asian woman and are willing to pretend that you like me, which is of course a euphemism for anal sex.

I got a good deal except for the interest rate, which was 11.7%. I haven't bought anything on credit since filing for bankruptcy, so they were a little hesitant to be the first to help re-establish my credit. They wouldn't budge off the interest rate, but they did lower the price of the vehicle and give me way more than expected on the trade-in (nearly $6k on a car the Blue Book values at about $1,800). Besides, I plan to have it paid off in two years anyway, unless I score an Asian girlfriend and get sucked dry.

And speaking of bankruptcy, it's time to write another letter to the lousy hospital I haven't seen in over a year because they created yet another new bill for me. The main reason I filed for bankruptcy was to stop the hospitals from further bothering me. Apparently, this is not enough to stop the bad ones from pestering you for the rest of your life. They've sent me bills long after the courts told them to desist, then sent the bills to collections, then sent them to another collection agency after the first one refused to try to collect, but at least they've stopped short of reporting the newer bills to a credit agency. And before you advise me to sue them for millions, I think the view that the poor hospitals are under siege by the mean old public is not entirely accurate, based on the number of lawyers (0) vying for my business.

For added fun, I lost my work badge during the move between vehicles. This would be the perfect time to lose my job. I hope the gods of irony are not in ascension, or at least that Satan remembers that He owes me a solid.

There may have been a point to this post, but I lost it while typing three to five words at a time at work.


Tracy Lynn said...

That's a sweet ride. It has plenty of room for you to kidnap a bunny.

Jay said...

If I were a tiny Asian girl I would totally take advantage of your good fortune and ruin you before moving on to the next guy.

metalmom said...

Nice wheels. What's it run on? Rice?

Robin said...

I don't know, I've heard it's easier to catch a bunny with a hatchback.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

You said "sucked dry." Heh. :)

Martini said...

Was the Asian bunny sucking you dry an euphemism for anything? Like... sucking you dry?

tiff said...


Maundering mutterer said...

Oh wow! The bunnies will be QUEUEING for a ride in that beaut. No need for kidnap at all! Yummy scrummy. Say, what if I get a face lift and a peroxide job?

Captain Dumbass said...

You just need a Hello Kitty sticker on the bumper and you can start trolling.

dr.alistair said...

what a shitbox. get a real car like a pacifica.

i like the extra dickroom i have it it.

with the thing you bought i`d have to put it in the passenger seat.

Avitable said...

I liked your rape van better.

Grant said...

Tracy Lynn - well, duh. That was my top criteria.

Jay - I've been trying to get one to do that for years, but they refuse.

metalmom - sake.

Robin - it's basically a a hatchback but with larger wheels and a bigger price tag so we don't have to call it a hatchback.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter - I'm trying subliminal suggestions now. I hope some Japanese women are reading this.

Martini - I'm hoping the new wheels will help it to become a reality.

tiff - yes, I rule!

Maundering mutterer - you'll also have to suck in your gaudy Western-style breasts, but okay.

Captain Dumbass - why would you think I don't already have a Hello Kitty bumper sticker?

dr.alistair - The under seat storage contains enough spare dick room for me.

Avitable - shhh - the chop shop is still disappearing that.

dr.alistair said...


Monogram Queen said...

I like!!!!

Ricardo said...

This post is sheer genius and I wish I was in a position to write something with a tone like this. Congrats on the new car.