Thursday, June 24, 2010

Uninvited Guests

Last night a friend and I were watching TV when, at about 9:30 PM, someone began knocking on my door. I usually don't answer the door (or phone) because I've learned that uninvited guests are always there for their benefit and not mine, so I told my friend to ignore it and he would go away. Whoever it was began alternating between knocking and ringing the bell and I began to wonder if I was going to have to tell them to buzz off like the missionaries last week. (quick question - has anyone ever responded with something like "I'm so glad you came because I didn't already have a lord") Then, since I hadn't responded to his knocks or rings (even though lights and the telly were on), he ATTEMPTED TO OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR! Seriously - he started twisting the knob and pulling and pushing on the door, but the dead bolt was engaged.

I attempted to fling open the door, but I had the useless little security bar engaged. That's the thing that has replaced the slightly less useless decorative chain that wouldn't keep out an enraged chihuahua. The bar wouldn't stop anything either, but it only allows you to open the door a fraction of an inch so you still can't see who is outside unless you press your face into the crevice. (I don't use the peephole because it gives away my position, but at best I can only determine that somebody I don't know is on the other side, which I already knew) After getting the bar out of the way I shouted something like "What the hell - did you actually just try to open my door?" The guy on the other side stood there a moment, checked a card in his hand, said "wrong apartment" and left.

I think I need to tape a sack to the wall next to the door and label it "in case of intruders". Inside I'll keep a shot of rum and my two cheapest kitchen knives. The next uninvited guest gets invited inside (silently, with a jerk of my head in case people are listening), then I gut them with my cheap but sturdy knife, toss the rum on his shirt, and plant the cheap and flimsy knife in his hand (no way am I wasting one of my Henckels or Wustofs on a random kill). Then I call the police and report that I killed a drunken attacker. "Why yes, officer, I always keep my two cheapest knives in the foyer. It's where I like to peel potatoes, two at a time." Or maybe I should spread napalm in front of the door and attach a car battery to the knob. Or get a recording of somebody racking a shotgun. Or buy that chainsaw I've had my eye on.

Or maybe I'm being insensitive and he came from a culture where it is perfectly acceptable to walk into a person's house after they've refused to answer the door. I don't know what nationality that would be, but if he comes back there will be one less in the world.

11 comments:

Tragic™ said...

Reminds me of the crackhead that keeps coming around here to get his welfare check and methadone cards. He doesn't live here, never has, but he faked a rent receipt and got HRDC to send his shit here. I had to mail back three checks, a stack of methadone papers, yell AT the guy's FACE and call the HRDC office about four times AND get the landlord to call the main office before they finally sent a worker to do a home visit and ...oh lookie! He doesn't damn live here! Say, can you send me some of those crappy knives? Methinks I has a plan...

Jay said...

How thick is the door? Can you shoot people through the door so you don't have to open it at all?

Also, you can replace the peephole with a spy cam. That way you will be able to see who is at the door just by checking your computer or the little screen that comes with it. Then you will know who you are shooting through the door.

Bonus: You can also keep an eye on that hot neighbor this way. ;-)

Whitemist said...

reminds me of some time ago someone wanted to steal a really classic type car i had (a gold mazda with a wankle engine). I was in process of restoring it and did not have an alarm, but did have a kill switch. Some one tried to get it going, but failed. The police told me they would probably try again, but i could not get an alarm till the day after. I took matters into my own hands and set a special device in the drivers seat (i am a chemist and it is useful at times). They did not try, but had they, they would have been roasted alive (i was planning on replacing the seat anyway)!

tiff said...

Who DOESN'T peel potatoes in the hallway, two at a time?

GreenJello said...

I would have liked to have seen his face, had he opened the door successfully and walked in before realizing he was in the wrong apartment. Especially if you were wielding a knife or a gun....

Avitable said...

Install a second peephole at crotch level, and then you don't have to give away your position.

Martini said...

I definitely wouldn't accept that kind of behaviour! First of all it's illegal, and second, it's a violation of your personal space and property. I have a friend at work who has a brick and a baseball bat behind her apt. door. And she's had to use the bat once!

metalmom said...

YOU STUPID ASS!!!

I sent that guy over to pick you up for a drunken night of debauchery with various liquors and bunnies!! See if I do that again!

Grant said...

Tragic™ - you missed the perfect opportunity to cash his checks and take his methadone.

Jay - bullet holes in my door would let in bugs and humidity. Maybe I can replace the peephole with pepper spray or a shotgun.

Whitemist - I should replace my doorbell with a kill switch, as in kills anyone who rings. The pizza delivery guys will get special instructions to knock instead.

tiff - we should start our own club with t-shirts and stuff.

GreenJello - his expression would have been even better if I had the chainsaw.

Avitable - crotch level makes much more sense and could help guide my actions based on what I see. Penis = shoot. Cameltoe = open door but refuse to give out money. Chest level = Asian chick.

Martini - she hasn't had to use the brick?

metalmom - he failed to give the secret bunny sign, so I hope you got your money back.

Robin said...

He should do what I do when looking for a place and am unsure. I drive up and down the street over and over again for about 20 minutes. Then I text whomever I am meeting and sit and wait. Then I drive back and forth some more until usually someone notices me and tells me where to park.

Grant said...

Robin - that sounds so much more effective than Mapquest.