Tuesday, November 03, 2009

TV Ratings Explained

For those of you who are willingly and persistently foreigners and don't understand how our TV parental guidelines system helps parents shield their precious children from potentially harmful material, I'll give you a few examples to demonstrate their consistency and reliability. Note - a full explanation is here,

Cartoon #1: Justice League Unlimited.
The basics: contains wall to wall fighting, but it's labeled Fantasy Violence, which isn't as bad as real violence. It makes you think you've seen blood, but it's just an illusion. For example, the first episode I saw had Aquaman chop off his own hand in order to save himself and his infant son from a trap. They later showed his arm wrapped in his cloak, which just happened to be blood red (but not actual blood). Then he had a blade grafted onto the stump which he used in a fight to kill his brother. The characters have off-screen sex lives, but Wonder Woman's bodacious rack is always covered and they never use real dirty words to describe things (just fake ones like Fraggin').
Rating: TV Y-7 (safe for everyone aged 7 and older).

Bunny!
Look ma - no hand!

Cartoon #2: Evangelion.
The basics: aliens are invading Earth, for some reason always starting with Japan, and it's up to a group of 14 year old kids to fight them off using giant robots because employing the regular military would be silly. They like to show the girls as naked as possible without going full nudity, and (at least in the American version) the nipples are removed during the few frontal breast shots. Despite the もえ stuff, the only actual sex is off-screen between adults. People are slaughtered wholesale, but the main characters are merely maimed and burned. Harsh language is milder than actual 14 yo's use. Cultural note - in America, teens are wisely prohibited from watching stuff that acurately depicts the things teens do and say.
Rating: TV-14 (ironically the age of the Rei, the character considered the most fuckable based on the number and type of Internet sites and toys inspired by her).

Bunny!
Action adventure series, or pedo-porn? I report, you decide.

Cartoon #3: Nana.
The basics: a comedy / drama series about two 20 year old women who meet on the train to Tokyo. The two are sexually active, although all sex occurs off-screen. The entire series contains no violence, no sex, and only two swear words, one of which was added by the English translation. However, there is one scene in which a couple breaks up while lying in bed. The woman sits up, puts on her shirt, and then you can see a brief outline of her nipple. OMFG - NIPPLE! Click on that NSFW link to see the horror. If you look for more than a half second, you've seen more nipple than the entire series had to offer.
Rating: TV-MA (mature audiences only).

Bunny!
JEBUS SAVE THE CHILDREN FROM THIS!

And that's your daily explanation of why American culture is superior to yours. Stay tuned so I can explain how providing healtchare for your citizens will allow the terrorists to win.

15 comments:

Jay said...

I would have clicked on the "nipple" link, but I'm still trying to recover emotionally from seeing Janet Jackson's nipple several years ago during the Super Bowl.

Captain Dumbass said...

Does that make me a terrorist?

tiff said...

Thanks for clearing this up. NIPPLES ARE EVIL!

SJ said...

You know terrorists will pose as doctors and inject you with viruses that turn you into a bunny - the furry four legged type - right?

Monogram Queen said...

Okay I know you don't show up on my blogroll and i've got to find a way to fix that!

Hit 40 said...

I think I caught up!!! My Halloween is now complete with your goth costume bunny.

I am with Jay... I am still scared by the Jackson incident.

Fernweher said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fernweher said...

i really like this post. it is truly ludicrous that Evangelion constantly sexualizes 14 year old girls and is marketed as TV-14 while one second of nipple in an otherwise soft lesbian love story between ADULTS is enough to get it rated TV-MA.

Grant said...

Jay - you should check the nipple link. It's funny because a) the single nipple made the entire series TV-MA, and b) it's not even a full-blown depiction - more of an outline or shadow.

Captain Dumbass - no, just a socialist hippie commie left-wing pacifist.

tiff - I believe they are the true culprit behind the economic crisis and healthcare issues.

SJ - it's common knowledge.

Monogram Queen - it's probably due to all the Satanic imagery and hot Asian women.

Hit 40 - goth bunnies are good year round.

Fernweher - Nana isn't a lesbian story - the girls are roommates but have boyfriends. I just think it's strange that American culture has more tolerance to violence than breasts.

dr.alistair said...

superbowl...is that a cooking show?

Kira said...

The funny thing is, the vast majority of the time the sex stuff goes over the heads of my kids anyway whenever it comes on. But they sure as hell get the violence!

Grant said...

dr.alistair - I assume so. There's an awful lot of those around these days.

Kira - that's because they correctly understand that violence is better than sex. You're raising them correctly to my expectations.

Ricardo said...

Those cartoons can get out of hand. I use to work at a video store when I was a young lad and parents would inadvertently rent those mature rated cartoons for the kids and i'd warn them and they'd brush me off then bring the tape back hours later white as a ghost. Love being right.

Grant said...

Ricardo - people in America still can't grasp the concept that being animated doesn't automatically make it kid friendly.

Anonymous said...

Hi all! I'm originally from London but am living in Berlin at the moment.
Gotta love this forum!


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