Thursday, June 18, 2009

More Hospital Fun

The protestants had their go at me, so it was time to let the Catholics prod me and drain my bodily fluids. I thought I was returning to the hospital I liked, but the directions to the office lead me into the enormous campus across the street. After a quick look at the Catholic mega hospital, I nicknamed it St. Avarice.

The interior looks more like an upscale shopping mall than a hospital – hardwood floors, decorative benches, potted plants, gilded lighting fixtures, and frosted glass doors with brass handles. Directly across from the lab was what appeared to be an upscale dress shop. The waiting room was dominated by a giant plasma screen TV. Although I don’t want to go to another hospital that looks like the dingy old paint is deliberately there to hide the dirt and cockroaches, I really don’t want to have to pay for all the opulence in St. Avarice. Hospital #2 is still my favorite.

Fortunately, the endocrinologist seemed nice and actually interested in getting a full personal history. He might actually try to treat me as an individual instead of a disease with one and only one set of symptoms and treatment. This was just an initial greeting, so we’ll see. He sent me to the lab and they took six vials of blood and a cup of urine. Nobody ever asks me for a bucket of shart, which I’m sure I could fill on command.

Now we’re just waiting for the results to come back, which I’m sure will say that I’m low on blood. Also, they decided to check my cholesterol this time, after telling me to eat more eggs. If the doctors prescribe bourbon the next time, I’ll know they’re setting me up for a liver test.

So, the Catholics have had their fun. I hope my next appointment is with a Voodou witch doctor. Or a hot bunny.

20 comments:

Kathy B! said...

Good grief, Grant. I leave you alone for a couple days and look at the hot mess you've gotten yourself into...

I hope you get this cleared up soon!

Avitable said...

You should just shop around and see if someone can make you into a vampire. At least then you won't have these issues.

Whitemist said...

I think you need to find that voodoo witch doctor, wait a minute, that's what everyone calls me! I don't think I can help and I am not sure bunnies will either, but they could sure clean house, so to speak. An did you get the e mail I sent?

Jay said...

I've seen some hospitals that are more opulent than some Vegas hotels.

There is a local cleaning service that some of my neighbors hire to clean their apartments. NONE of them look like those girls.

Kira said...

Do you actually have to pay more at St. Avarice than the other hospital(s)? Catholics love to give money to gold plated dohickeys, so maybe it looks nice because Catholics bought the gold plated dohickeys. My dad always loved buying goldplated dohickeys for the church whenever they renovated. Trust me, it's a tradition.

Hit 40 said...

I am glad that your shopping around. Let us know if they help you any better than the last group of quacks.

Kerry said...

Dayum she has big boobs! HAHA

I did read your post though ;) I hope you get fixed right up... real soon!!!

Robin said...

My husband is an artist and he did a really interesting drawing once of 2 asian girls (long before me) and I'll have to see if he can scan it so i can show you. I think you'd appreciate it.

Grant said...

kathy - this is not going to end any time soon, but hopefully I'll get healthy before I die.

avitable - I'm pretty sure the labs are run by vampires, given the amount of blood they draw. Evidently they've hit upon a way to suck blood and make money at the same time rather than be hunted by villagers with torches.

whitemist - I got it. Anything the bunnies want to do for me would be appreciated.

jay - Vegas once had a topless maid service. You should see if they have an Asian division.

kira - well, the parking was the most expensive to date. We'll see about the rest. And the proper spelling is "doohickey".

hit 40 - I'm not shopping, my regular doctor is apparently sending me to every specialist in the area.

kerry - scroll down if you want to see serious Japanese boobage.

robin - I'm sure I'll love it if they're making out.

Martini said...

I've been visiting hospitals for a few years now, and I have to say I've never thought "I like this one better than that one." I don't like any of them! Then again, they all look like crap around here. And we sure don't have any nurses like those "maids"... Let me know if you come across any in your hospital travels!

SJ said...

Hope it doesn't turn out to be St. Inquisition.

Ricardo said...

What I want to do can't be written about here. But it's fun.

Ricardo said...

Oh wait there was a health issue to discuss here. I'm sorry I had to click back and look at the picture again. I couldn't help it.

I think you should set up a scoreboard outlining the religious orders that run the hospitals and which ones get the jobs done and which ones don't. For the good of the prospective patient.

Hit 40 said...

Martini is right. All hospitals suck.

Captain Dumbass said...

How about a hot voodoo witch doctor bunny?

Hit 40 said...

Your such a trooper reading all of my CRAP!!!

GOOD BUNNY KARMA TO YOU!!!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

No matter how fancy schmancy they are, hospitals suck in general. Sorry you're having to deal with all this...hopefully you'll get some reprieve soon!

Grant said...

martini - I didn't like either one, but the last one was clearly superior. Treatment was better, doctors / nurses could answer questions, even the food was less vomitous.

sj - it's too early to tell. I think it's going to be more like St. Help You While Draining Your Bank Account.

ricardo - I'm going to give the Buddhist / Shinto hospitals a try next in the hopes of getting bunny nurses.

hit 40 - true, but there are different levels of suck. The first hospital was a marvel of incompetence.

cda - if you see one, please pass along my wedding proposal.

hit 40 - mmm...bunny karma.

stacy - at least I'm now being treated as an outpatient.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

At least hospitals make for good blogging. Between the people watching and vast array of bodily fluids, it's hard to go wrong.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Damn dude....you've got to get better quick. Those bunnies are gonna get bored without you playing with them . No tellin' what they'll get into.


Seriously, hope you're feeling better ASAP.