Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Apparently I look like a judge from American Idol

So, I got home from work to discover that my apartment floor was flooded again. This happens often and usually marks the passing or arrival of another upstairs neighbor (the first time was on the day I moved in). However, this time it was a rare occurrence – the leak was in my apartment. Looks like Grepthar, Hell-demon of bathroom sinks, has struck again.

I reported the maintenance issue to the leasing office. My standard for a good office is based on how often I have to interact with its people. By my standards, it’s a complete fail. The people are nice and usually helpful, but I have been unable to go a single month without a visit. Years ago they got rid of the rent drop box forcing me to stand in line just to hand them a check. I suppose I could mail it, but an Anthrax scare convinced my local post office (located in a strip mall) that they were ill-equipped to sort mail, so they now send all mail to downtown Atlanta for sorting. So, for the additional price of a stamp, my rent check could be picked up late in the day, mailed to Atlanta the next day, mailed back the following day, and then the day after that would finally be deposited about 50 feet (or about twelve kilograms for you non UStians) from where it started.

So I went to the office to report the leak. You know those kinds of people who are so competent and knowledgeable that they make you relax and feel as if you’re in good hands? Okay, maybe they only exist in some kind of sci-fi alternate reality, but you know what I mean. Anyway, I got her Bizarro-world counterpart. The woman who took my complaint continually mis-recorded my information (minor details such as where I live), plus required an extended explanation of the concept of a leaking pipe, something that obviously never occurs in an apartment complex of over 600 units. “There’s water coming out of the pipe, but instead of coming out of the hole the manufacturer made in the end, it’s coming out of an unplanned hole on the side.” This is a very typical level of incompetence, and so in order to distinguish her work she frequently broke into song. I don’t mean she sang while she worked. I mean she suspended all other activity, threw her head back and belted out a couple of refrains with her eyes squeezed shut, head rocking back and forth, and voice warbling like a warped LP (remember those?). I looked around for someone with whom I could commiserate, but nobody else even broke stride during her lyrical assaults. I’m guessing she does that sort of thing all the time.

It’s been a week and still no repair. The maintenance guys always seem competent, so I’m guessing she just sent them to the wrong apartment. If you recently returned home and found a new bathroom faucet with a yellow carbon copy of a work order next to it, now you know why.


Enemy of the Republic said...

Sounds like every apartment I've lived in.

You do act a bit like Simon, but I think that is a positive trait. He doesn't suffer fools.

Anonymous said...

Oy, wow. I live in a three unit dive down in "tha 'hood" and my fool landlord comes by now and again with a hammer and some duct tape and tries to tape all the windows shut "to save heat" when one bedroom was freezing and the rest were fine - he told me to stuff the wall heaters with blankets to cool off some rooms and direct heat to the others.

I have hot water in my kitchen but pissy warm tepid water in my tub. He told me to leave it running all night, with the plug in and that would make it heat up "right fast" -- no mention on drowning Dorothy downstairs though.

Today he wandered aimlessly around my kitchen muttering with certainty (to himself)that he'd forgotten his hammer here days ago.

I think that your lady must be his long lost sister.

Matt said...

Renting blows. I've actually had to withold rent in situations like that in the past.

Captain Dumbass said...

Not that I'm complaining, but you said your rent cheque would be dropped off 26 pounds from where it started.

SJ said...

Grepthar strike again and again and again like a dripping faucet.

Neath said...

Ok. I'm gonna be knit picky here.
Kilogram is a measure of weight not distance. 50 feet would be, in Canadian, approximately 15.15 meters or 16.66 yards.
But..... you probably already knew that .....

tiff said...

Nit pickers are neat!

Also? Your conversions are all wrong. It's cubit per cent that'll get your check there soonest.

Foilwoman said...

Wow, I am now totally in awe of my own landlord and its management company: I've never gone more than three days from complaint to repair. I thought I lived in hell, but your post made me realize that I am truly blessed. Thank you, Grantichrist. Of course, me writing the preceding sentence is probably a precursor of the apocalypse.

Monogram Queen said...

WTF? Okay you seriously need to surreptitiously record this woman warbling!!! I LIVE for that kind of stuff.
Oh pretty please, Grant, with sugar on top?

Kerry said...

Sounds similar to a story Richard had at an apartment. His bathroom had a leak and the floor in the bathroom was sagging... which was over his kitchen. We just knew at any minute someone would be taking a shower in the kitchen by the stove. lol They never did fix it.

Good luck!

Ricardo said...

I too used to have a neighbor who would cause flooding in my apartment. The thought the garbage disposal was a garbage can and thought they could chuck anything down it. Response time at my complex is usually good. Best of all they leasing office is stocked with beautiful women.

Kira said...

Um, for those thinking that Grant doesn't know what a kilogram is, let me assure you that despite his American education, he does understand that a kg is weight, not distance. That's why I laughed. 'Cause it was a joke. And it was funny because folks really think an American would say stuff like that. And apparently y'all did. So now I'm really laughing since that made the joke even funnier ;)

R said...

Kira just explained irony better than Alanis Morissette ever could have.

Grant said...

eotr - this is actually a much nicer apartment complex than I'm used to.

sam - I'm surprised he didn't suggest filling the tub with gasoline and then lining it with aromatherapy candles for warmth.

matt - I like it better than owning because I have no skill or money for fixing stuff and because it's easier to walk away from a rental.

cda - I'll explain the English system to you later.

sj - he's been working overtime lately.

neath - people often confuse the usage of Kilo, which is primarily used to measure drugs. The resulting calculation can be a weight, time until sobriety, or distance you're likely to run before getting naked and screaming about the zombie jebus biting your ankles.

tiff - does your calculation take into account DST?

foilwoman - the curse of the Giant Atomic Chickens™ are upon us all now.

mq - I returned to complain again, but no more singing. She seemed drained. She did snap her fingers and dance a little when she walked, though.

kerry - they eventually fixed my sagging kitchen ceiling, but I didn't mind it being left alone since my upstairs neighbors tended to re-flood the area whenever their lease ended.

ricardo - at least they didn't use the garbage disposal as a toilet.

kira - you said "y'all", which invalidates the rest of your comment.

r - Kira is awesome.