Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Open Letter to McDonald’s

Last night, in a moment of weakness, I actually stopped by one of your “restaurants” and ordered some “food”. The cashier automatically super-sized my meal as I expected (you have to argue with them if you want normal size) which is why I ordered a small burger instead of a quarter pounder. She told me to go to the second window, called me back to the first one, then gave me $3 in change from a twenty. I tried to recall her to the window, but when I couldn’t get anyone’s attention I drove to the second window, waited for my “fast” food to be ready, then informed cashier #2 that #1 made an error and showed him the three bills I hadn’t pocketed. He asked for my receipt (which was in the bag he held), then informed the manager. She questioned #1, who refused to admit she may have made a mistake and instead loudly insisted she gave me $13. The manager asked that I pull aside and wait for her to count down the register. I waited for a while, but decided the odds of me getting my $10 were pretty low (IF the register is over by exactly $10 AND the Mcfucktard can count AND #1 made an honest mistake and didn’t pocket the money AND they own up to it…) and my food was getting cold, so I left. When I got home I discovered I paid $17 for the wrong “Extra Value Meal”, one that came with a double quarter pounder and an apple pie-like substance. I’d share the details from my receipt, but your Mcmorons kept it. As an added bonus, I lost a half-day’s pay this morning because your meal broke my three day healthy streak and forced me to spend the morning on the toilet sharting my brains out.

So, I got screwed royally and you have no system in place for satisfying customers except for a complaint form on your web site, which has as yet gone unanswered, so I’m forced to think about what would be a measured response to this grievance. My initial thought is to burn the restaurant down with all employees locked inside except for the cute little manager. I should follow her home, anally rape her to death, use her credit card to order gay porn for her bosses, family, and religious leaders, flush a bag of cement down her toilet, shit on her cats, dump canned salmon into the heating vents, and lock myself out of her home after putting “Achy-Breaky Heart” on her stereo at ear-splitting levels. It’s just my initial response – I’m sure if I put some thought into it, I could come up with something mean.

On second thought, I’ve decided to view this as a positive experience. I keep telling myself that between the bad food, high prices (even without having an additional $10 stolen, the cost was equivalent to lunch at a local Asian restaurant), and surly staff, there is never any reason to visit a “fast food restaurant” except to remind myself that there is never any reason to visit a “fast food restaurant”. So now I’m taking a solemn vow to never give another penny to any of those establishments. If I’m hungry and have nothing at home, I’ll either go to a real restaurant or grab a frozen dinner from a supermarket. Or make popcorn or miso soup. Fast food can go fuck itself.

PS – the fries were tasty.

PPS – Mcfuckers.


Crys said...

it's the universe's way of telling you that those places are the devil. plus after you eat that crap you SMELL like that crap.

and, apparently, crap and crap and crap.

Anonymous said...

Oh my, ooooh my, hahahaha! I am soo sorry you went through that but this letter..... this is amazing!

Avitable said...

Mmm, I love McDonald's.

Tracy Lynn said...

What the hell did her cats ever do to you, you bastard?

SJ said...

Yes the fries are the one good thing about McD.

For some reason they are popular in Japan or so I hear.

tiff said...

Other peoples misfortunes can be so entertaining, esp when the word 'shart' is used.

Monogram Queen said...

I'm glad your fries were tasty, I got some the other night and they SUCKED. Not tempted to go back either.
Sorry you got screwed out of ten bucks. That really sucks.

Grant said...

crys - thank you for your crappy comment.

jgrrl - unfortunately, bad experiences do lead to the best posts.

avitable - they're all yours.

tracy - guilt by association.

sj - McDonald's Japan creates some of the most disgusting creations, such as the mega fish mac (fish patty, egg, cheese, etc).

tiff - you can thank Avitable for introducing me to that word, which totally applies to my life since I got sick.

mq - that's too bad - the fries are the last legitimate reason to buy their overpriced crap.

The Social Reformer said...

are u sure?

Kerry said...


I hate McDonalds. I havent stopped there in years... and I agree. McFucktards.

Wait... I stopped there for breakfast a few weeks ago. DANGIT! Well the indian (dot) or asian whatever person working didn't f up the order and I got the correct change... but in general I hate McD's.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I don't go there. I showed my son Super Size Me to cure him of his love of chicken nuggets and Happy Meals. It worked. We hate Mcdonalds collectively.

I think your proposed punishment is both just and merciful. I am always in awe of your self-restraint in the presence of predators.

Kira said...

I haven't eaten at a McDs in over two years despite having two children who wouldn't mind eating there. Go me! You've just made me swear it'll be at least two more before I look at the place, too.

Then again, for me it's easy...I love to cook. It's a rare day I hit up a drive through anyway. I think the last one I went through was chick fil a. They're not bad for fast food, imo. The chicken actually resembles chicken.

Grant said...

tsr - yes.

kerry - I think most of them have rotten unhealthy food and are staffed by angry underpaid idiots. Considering the quality for the money, it's really not a bargain.

eotr - I liked Super-Size Me, but even though he focused on McDonalds bear in mind that most of those chains are just as bad.

kira - yes, Chik-Fil-A is a notch above, but I'd still rather go to Pattaya.

messiah said...

hmmmm.... your comment about fast food fucking itself gave me unpleasant thoughts about an Apple McPie being used for a spoof on American Pie. I can just see you pulled over in the parking lot with the windows steamed up, waiting for the manager....

not a pretty picture. i must now go dowse my brain in lysol and light a match.

(And to think I was upset because the other day I paid normal price, received the right item, wasn't overcharged, had helpful intelligent people, and then was only disappointed by the item, and it was only $9 or about $2 USD I guess.)