Thursday, December 18, 2008

Medical Reaming, part the latest

I’ve been paying several of my doctors on a monthly basis, and so far there hasn’t been much problem with that. Reviewing that last sentence I realize that it is, technically, what we in the IT industry like to call a “lie”. They’ve been late to post my payments, quick to make vague threats about turning me over to a collections agency, and generally incompetent when it comes to difficult tasks such as deducting one number from another, giving the proper contact phone number, or putting stuff in the mail. However, if you take all that as being minimally competent (I’d be fired, but it works for them), then I haven’t had much problem with them recently.

Until recently, that is. One of the many offices bleeding me dry sent my monthly statement containing two pages of detailed entries to reflect the fact that, since my last statement, all of my monthly activity consisted of me sending them a single check. They acknowledged receipt of my $100, said they were sticking $8 in a shoebox, another $8 into a coffee can, and then politely forgot to mention the remaining $84. It probably went to the costs of printing and mailing my monthly statements.

That was Swiss clockwork precision next to the letter I received yesterday which said they were returning my check because they didn’t know which patient I was. They were able to send me the letter because my checks clearly have my full name and address printed on each one, but apparently they have so many patients with my exact name and address that they were unable to make a match and credit my account. Upon closer inspection, by which I mean the instant I looked at it, I discovered that they didn’t really return my check, just a copy of it. My checks are colorful and feature pictures of M&Ms and are totally gay unlike the black and white thing I received, although they did at least cut it down to check-size instead of 8 ½ x 11. I checked my bank account and saw they actually DID cash the check, they just couldn’t decide whose account to credit. Gee, I guess they’ll just get to keep that money for the office party and I should immediately send them another check in the hopes that they figure out who I am (that guy who has been sending similar checks for the past several months). Fuckers.

It’s cheaper to pay them monthly rather than put it all on my credit card and pay interest, but then again the credit card companies somehow manage to keep simple financial transactions straight. They must employ partially trained monkeys, whereas the medical community obviously uses an abacus (just one they have to share) operated by mayonnaise. I wonder if I should go the credit card route so we can get past the repayment phase and move on to the bitter recrimination phase. I’m sure that after I pay them off they’ll claim I still owe money, to which I will politely tell those moron fucktard twattwits that I have in fact paid my bills and will offer proof in the form of their bills and my cancelled checks and credit card statements, to which they will insist their math is obviously gooder than mine and will turn it over to a collections agency who will call me and make angry threats despite my offer to prove payments and will only go silent after I send registered mail telling them to only communicate in writing, and then I will talk to a lawyer who will advise me just to pay them off rather than risk my credit history or pay court costs and I will refuse and spend ANOTHER seven years waiting for a falsified blemish to disappear (yes, I have done all this before, just with an apartment company trying to extract an extra month’s rent from me). Or maybe, since we’re headed in that direction anyway, I should just stop paying them now. Or deliver a holiday fruitcake laced with cyanide and TNT and Zima.

Happy fecking Hannukwanzaramadamasux everyone.


Avitable said...

Post their addresses, and I'll start sending them all my junk mail, too. We'll confuse them to death.

Tracy Lynn said...

Why can't we just set them on fire again? Because that is not only good at silencing them, it is also emotionally satisfying. For us, not them.

Monogram Queen said...

That just fecking sucks... I can't believe the incompetence of that hospital

SJ said...

The hospital is trying to create patients for the psychiatric ward it seems. They don't know you are available as-is.

And the credit card companies hire Indians... hey wait !!!

SJ said...

And don't bomb them or set them on fire... throw a shoe or two at them with an optional grenade in it.

Grant said...

avi - they'll probably charge me for doing that.

tracy - again? We've done this already? I don't remember. Have I been sleep arsoning again?

mq - actually, the hospital actually got their billing straight. It's several of the medical offices outside of the hospital (they all bill separately) who are screwing up now.

sj - apparently your people have failed to achieve our American level of incompetence. We're true artists.

sj - I can't spare any of my shoes. Would an old pair of underwear do the trick?

tiff said...

The staff must all have gone to the DeVry 'safety school' for their medical billing educations.


Grant said...

tiff - I graduated from DeVry, so I know what you are talking about.

Anonymous said...

Wow, its almost as fucked up as the Canadian health care joke.