Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Open Letters

Dear Sonny’s BBQ,

I haven’t dropped by since your cashier farewell’d me with “Seeya – wouldn’t wanna beya”, but I missed your food and decided to brave your “service” again last night. The lady at the register told me $9.52, so I gave her $20.02 which confused her to no end. She left to seek advice. Long after my food was ready, she returned with (drumroll) $10.49. I was trying to get rid of the fecking pennies that seem to multiply in my pocket like rabbits and she brought me more. I know your staff is probably at least partially educated by our wonderful public school system, but please start your own training program to explain the concepts of money and math. If they are confused, tell them about that neat little trick wherein you can punch the amount into the register and it will tell you how much to return. See you next year.

P.S. The fries were delicious.

Dear Schick (or however you spell it),

I couldn’t find replacement twin blades for my old Gillette razor, so I gave your Titanium Quattro line a try. Despite the four blades, it shaves as well as a belt sander but is not as gentle. Upon inspection I noticed safety wires over the blades. This is a great idea since it will prevent us stupid consumers from accidentally cutting something, such as facial hair. And what are the four blades supposed to do? We, the public, bought (barely) the story that the two blades work together to pull and cut, but what are the supposed functions of numbers three and four? Wash and wax? Lift and separate? Binge and purge?

Also, get a brand name that doesn’t sound (appropriately) like “schtick”. I would recommend Slicey Bob, but that might give the impression that your blades can cut. May I respectfully recommend Mr. Scrapey?

Note – I swear I did not steal this idea from Joe. Apparently we just think alike. Joe, keep your hands out of my bunny jar.


SJ said...

Those were good if getting paid for open letters is a possibility then you would be a billionaire.

Avitable said...

The cashier honestly said that?

I've never been to a Sonny's. I don't know that I want to start.

Grant said...

sj - I'm good at stuff that doesn't pay.

avi - yes, she said it as she was shutting the window and I was walking away. I reflexively shouted "Bitch!" at her, but she didn't return.

messiah said...

Real men use straight razors. Real men with a steady hand use them more than once. And none of them sissy safety wires to worry about.

tiff said...

Safety wires?

The fuck?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Your Sonny's waitress reminds me of a cashier The PK and I went round and round with at The Home Depot.

She gave us ten bucks too much change back and no matter how hard The PK tried to give it back, she wouldn't take it. She kept saying "I don't know what kind of scam you're trying to pull but it's not going to work!"

The PK was like "Lady, I'm TRYING to give you ten bucks BACK. How can that possibly be a scam????"

She refused to take he did. Duh.

As far as the razor thing? Fuck it...just let all your facial hair grow and then you can give your j-bunnies mustache rides. ;)

Anonymous said...

What a great site you have! You're witty and intelligent - I had to tell you that I like your style :-)

Joe said...

Maybe she just wouldn't want to beya because that would involve knowing math -- and who wants to carry that kind of baggage around?

Steal the idea? I've never written letters to Sonny's or Shick. That's just crazy talk, Grant.

Grant said...

messiah - a REAL man would use a blowtorch.

tiff - I admit I wasn't expecting that. I just noticed them upon closer inspection after my first really bad shave.

pq - there is actually a scam that involves pretending like the cashier gave you too much money while asking for change, but I forget the entire routine.

jgrrl - thanks!

joe - you're right - math is hard.

Monogram Queen said...

WTF on the Cashier? You should have flipped her off. Politely of course. It IS the South you know.

Mariel said...

Good words.