Thursday, April 24, 2008

Time for Humanitarian Intervention

Today another J-bunny schoolgirl took her own life, this time by the latest fad method of creating hydrogen sulfide gas out of household chemicals. Due to a paucity of readily available guns in Japan, people can't off themselves quickly and efficiently and must impact those around them. Jumping in front of a train is very popular, but it always shuts the line down as they identify the person and hose the guts out of the wheels. Leaping from tall buildings is also very chic, but there have been stories of injured and killed pedestrians below. They need to invest in "Look for falling schoolchildren" signs over there. Now they have poison gas, which is a great idea because it is quick and painless but has the teensy side effect of harming other people, such as family and neighbors or whoever else has the audacity to breathe the same air. On the other hand, if you are so miserable you are willing to gas yourself to die, they were probably part of the problem and got what was coming.

J-people are learning about the deadly combination from the spate of suicide websites that abound in Japan, which brings me to the problem. These sites tell people how to commit suicide and help them meet each other in case they need support / want to commit mass suicide, but as usual the suicidally depressed are only thinking of themselves. If they're going to die anyway, why not have sex with some hopeless geek first? So, in the spirit of international cooperation, I am opening the first J-bunny suicide club in Atlanta. If you are a hot Japanese female and feel like committing suicide, contact me and we will have sex first. You're going to be dead anyway, but I will live on and will have my needs, so why not? I'll throw in free sushi and ice cream to seal the deal.

And, no, I'm not thinking that a romp with me will be a life-affirming experience that will cause them to rethink matters. I just think a pre-gas suicidal J-bunny would be the ultimate one-night stand. No baby, no paternity suit, no embarrassing moments when we bump into each other in the market, I'll just pay to have the body cremated and then scatter the ashes because I'm such a decent guy. As a paragon of virtue, it would be indecorous of me to suggest sending the body to the taxidermist and keeping it for future mounts, so I won't even suggest that.

In other news, we awful Americans are meddling in Japanese affairs in an attempt to get them to outlaw child pornography. (Yes, child porn is still legal in Japan, which I mention here even though there couldn't possibly be a link between abused suicidal children and all the child porn and underaged prostitution.) Clearly, American intervention is required here. After the unabashed success of our mission to convert Iraq into a peaceful fundamentalist democratic nation, how can we go wrong here?


metalmom said...

I checked the story about the girl and I can't believe how widespread the problem is. Who knew so many girl would rather die do death than do you!

What really caught my eye was this:

Japanese man under fire in Philippines for tapping woman's bottom at airport

Why didn't YOU tap that?

SSC said...

That is so very sad, I feel so sorry for these young girls. Your idea should brighten their day, only if you were to offer citizenship...hey where theres a will theres a way.

Patti said...

Wow that is really sad.