Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Welcome, 日本女の人

The daily J-news has a weekly travel feature. This week they declare Atlanta, Georgia, United States, a great place to go despite the fact that we are loud and boorish and each of our thighs weighs as much as the average sumo wrestler because our idea of foreign food is Taco Bell and our mass transit system works best if you own at least one car (preferably a pick-up truck) and our roads were designed by gophers on LSD. But no matter – this is indeed a great place to live and visit. Key quote:

“Finally, if you find yourself in Atlanta lost or confused about all the Peachtree places, Spurgeon Richardson, head of the Atlanta Convention and Visitors Bureau, has this advice: ‘The people down here are very nice and friendly and would be happy to give you directions.’”

Ha ha ha ha ha hoo hoo hee hee heeeee ohshit that was a good one. Seriously, any J-peeps asking for directions will discover one of two things – nobody living in Atlanta actually comes from here and will be just as disoriented (ha!) as them (although they won’t learn that until they try to follow some of the directions), and the odds of finding a person in Atlanta who speaks Japanese are roughly equal to that of winning the state lottery by sacrificing a hamster to Odin. However, if they speak Spanish, they should be okay. I’m sure Spanish is as widely spoken in Japan as it is in the US.

One service not mentioned in the article is that there is a free hostel open to any Japanese women between the ages of 12 and 60, the entrance of which is conveniently located in my bunnycage walk-in closet. Any women wishing to take advantage of this offer can contact me, by which I mean send naughty pictures, and I’ll send directions and the types of lingerie that is currently legal in our country (“none at all” is usually good).


Side note – for a real cultural clash, try the Taco Bell Taco Fu game.


Kira said...

I remember we ran into some Japanese girls in France on the subway (this was before we knew you, Grant, or else we'd have taken them home for you). They were sooo lost and talking to each other in Japanese. Then we heard an English word or two, and Alex lept to help them figure out where to go. Apparently, they had tried to ask other folks for directions, but all they knew was Japanese and English. Poor girls. But at least by having English as a backup, they had a chance. I can't imagine a Japanese person going anywhere in America past the west coast or anywhere in Europe only speaking Japanese...and making it. You're right, though--Spanish might help. Especially if they visit Florida, Texas, or California.

~Deb said...

Bunnycage! Too much. Now that has to be the best looking Asian I have ever seen! (Most are always beautiful - but she is stunning!)

And here I thought that the foreign cuisine consisted of local Chinese takeout food.


Patti said...

Okay I admit that the peachtree thing throws me off too. Way way too common.

グラント said...

kira - it seems like English is the most widely spoken second language in the world, so we can both stop trying to learn those fecking foreign ones.

~deb - that's Yuri Ebihara (often called えびちゃん). Despite the lightened hair, I agree that she's absolutely stunning.

patti - it's easy if you stay out of downtown. I stick to the suburbs myself.