Thursday, August 10, 2006

Cover me – I’m going in

Last night I didn’t feel particularly energetic – not sick, but just blah – so I curtailed the initial excursion in favor of studying, pizza, beer, and the Sims. You’ll be happy to know that Zorzan and Usagi have a successful marriage, even though she’s a Superstar and he’s currently a dishwasher. Their lives have been routine lately, so maybe they should throw a party, invite everyone in the neighborhood, and then kill them all. It cheered us all up in the past, and got rid of a few annoying children.

But back to my real (and far less interesting) life, tonight I assault Umezono and try to score Emi-san. I’ve decided to bypass the initial stages of forming a relationship – timid gestures, exchanged glances, tender words, forays into the realm of dating, etc. – and will go straight to kidnap and imprisonment in my basement. Those of you willing to help can do so by forming a group and ordering the shabu-shabu, which includes a table burner unit. Gather around the unit and turn it up to a low blaze. At the same time, one of you should casually spill a can of lighter fluid. As the flames spread to other patrons, I will heroically enter the building by blasting a hole in the wall with a rocket launcher, swinging in on a vine while riding a black stallion, and will proceed to gather Emi-san into my loving arms and gallop away with her. To the casual observer, it will look like a rescue. After I secure my objective, the rest of you meatbags should do your best (sacrificing your lives as needed) to save Umezono. After dousing the blaze, feel free to sit down to some sashimi roasted fishbits.

Oh, wait – my stallion is still in the cleaners. Okay, plan B. Tonight, I will go to Umezono alone and will attempt to talk with Emi-san. I will practice my eye-contact, shooting for something between frightened bunny and serial rapist. If the opportunity is there, I will attempt to ask her name to make my pursuit official. If that doesn’t work, we’ll go back to the original plan – fire and rockets and me riding a stallion. I’ll keep you posted.

16 comments:

Tracy Lynn said...

I'm thinking if you have to lean, lean bunny, not rapist.

H.E.Eigler said...

Isn't there some kind of eye contact issue with Japanese culture?

I always thought it should be avoided as it can be deemed aggressive to stare your conversational partner in the eye.

Of course, if you go with the swinging in on a vine approach by all means, watch where you're going Tarzan.

Kira said...

Ok, I have the appropriate shirt ready as per your orders, boss. Let me know when to help. But at the very least, let us know how it went!

Liz said...

Tell me when I need to move into my meatbag position ;)

Good luck!!

Death Warmed Over said...

How do you swing on a vine while riding a stallion. Besides that, sounds like a plan to me. Thoug I will only help if I get to yell Aiieeee while lighting the diversionary fire.

Tai said...

Ok Grant.

You forced me to do this.

The love of my life walked into my video store once.

He was wearing a Hugo Boss suit. He didn't take a movie out, instead we chatted.

He left.

A few weeks later he come back wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

He asked me what time I finished work.

I told him 11:00pm.

He said, "Do you want to go play some pool after?"

I said, "Of course."

He said, "I'll come pick you up."

Thus began the greatest romance and the saddest end 7 years later I have ever seen.

Was it worth it?

Oh. Yes.

My point?

All you have to do is ask.

PBS said...

I like Plan A much better, so dashing.

Tony said...

I just wanted to let you know, we're all behind you.

patti_cake said...

Grant listen to Tai, it's not as exciting as screaming on a stallion and swinging on a vine but I bet it will work.
Are you so intimidated just because she is J and/or at Umezono or would you be as intimidated if it were jane schmoe? I'm just asking out of curiosity. If i'm mistaken and you are NOT intimidated please excuse.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

"swinging in on a vine while riding a black stallion"

Damn...it sucks that your stallion's at the cleaners...I was SO looking forward to that part!

Do we get name tags so we can keep the names straight?

Hi! My meatbag name is: The Peanut Queen....;)

~Deb said...

Rapists...aren't they the same as homosexuals? I guess you're in my catagory now buddy! A little birdie told me that those two are the exact same.

Hmmm....forgot where I heard that from...geez.... hate when I forget!

;)

Circe said...

I love how you will enter the building. Heck, that would seriously impress me but I don't think I will hold my breath for some knight/pirate/Viking to pull that stunt and save my sorry ass. Good thing I can enjoy this vicariously.......

Grant said...

tracy - how about if I go for bunny rapist? Would that be a balanced approach?

hee - I don't think there's a major eye contact issue as much as the Japanese tendancy to approach all things from the side instead of dead on. They have a very indirect way of communicating.

kira - okay, last night's embarassment is up for everyone's amusement.

liz - I'll try again Monday.

death - it helps to have a good grip with the knees so you don't drop your horse. The battle cry sounds good, as screaming "Die Mother Fuckers!" might give the wrong impression.

tai - what girly advice.

pbs - well, Monday will provide another chance.

patti_cake - I'm not really intimidated as much as this is important to me, so it's not just a casual "Will you go out with me? No? No biggie." type of situation. The setup is not conducive to getting to know somebody, and I don't want to ruin matters with an unsolicited approach.

pq - all of you gaijin look the same to us. :p

~deb - just don't let me catch you hitting on Emi-san. Or raping her.

circe - yes, endless suffering is always fun when it's happening to somebody else.

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