Monday, June 26, 2006

Why I hate you Americans

Recently, while lunching in Umezono, I had the displeasure of listening to a trio of American businessmen as they loudly sat at their table, tried to impress each other with their materialistic accomplishments, harassed the waitresses, and generally annoyed the patrons. I have to issue an apology to the dumb, fat redneck who I once thought was a bad customer. To DFR, I say – sumimasen. Apparently there are worse people than you, like upper class yuppie twits.

The three in question, wearing tre gay polo shirts and chinos, sat at a table near the center of the restaurant and yakked loudly about who had the most expensive hobby (yachting won), who had the most expensive car (Mercedes won), and who had the most expensive wife (the Alpha Jerk won – his wife burned money like it was lighter fluid). AJ stretched his legs into the aisle, leaned back in his seat to violate the personal space of the Japanese family behind him, and had a loud cell phone conversation with the expensive wife of another yuppie twit who was (thankfully) absent, and hopefully dead. I can dream, can’t I?

The woman on the other end instructed AJ to tell the sushi chef to make her a super crunchy roll, something I have never seen on the menu. Yamata-san (the head sushi chef) said he didn’t know what that was. AJ relayed that info, then responded to the nearest waitress with “She said she’s eaten here before, and that man standing right there” – pointing at Yamata-san – “made her a super crunchy roll”. Yamata-san, being Japanese and uncomfortable with a direct refusal, simply kept working and shook his head no. After a few rounds of this, the woman gave up and shouted “WhatEVER!” I know this because AJ informed the room.

At this point I really wanted to say something, but I’m not one of those types of people who takes action by doing something I know will only worsen the situation and then, when the dust and feathers settle, says “Well, at least I tried”. I leave that to the xtian fundamentalists. I knew if I said “You’re being rude” they wouldn’t likely say “Oh, really? Thank you for correcting our behavior.” If I said anything, the matter would probably escalate to shouting, and then to physical violence (okay, that would be me escalating it to that – yuppies don’t use their fists unless it’s on the wife and kids). Personally, I had no problem with getting physical. I’m not a tough guy or karate expert, but I know I can hold my own, especially against loud-mouthed losers like them. Besides, all I’d have to do is drop the alpha and the others would quickly fall in line. Some people might think the Nihon no usagi would be impressed by my rushing to their defense, but if I understand the Japanese correctly they would be uncomfortable with my actions, especially if I turned a bad situation into an even worse one. So I sat quietly by, made sure my manners were at their best, and hoped Yamata-san and the usagi noticed that not all hakujin are loud-mouthed pricks.

AJ settled down a little after getting off the phone and began loudly telling his buddies what a bitch she was, although he shied away from that term. He actually seemed somewhat impressed by her ability to raise hell. After that, the group began harassing the waitresses by asking for non-existent sushi rolls, such as the Philadelphia roll (“It’s filled with cream cheese”). The subservient yuppie pinheads offered up suggestions to AJ and let him do the dirty work. “Hey, ask her for a Boston roll next – you know, with baked beans?” In response, they sent the (I think) head waitress over. She’s the kindest and the best with English, and they call her over whenever there’s a problem, such as if you’re a stupid redneck. If somebody has to ask for her assistance, it’s a good sign you’re doing something wrong. I’m hoping to marry her, or possibly Yamata-san’s daughter. Preferably both.

In closing – わたしは にほんじん です。


Leesa said...

Does わたしは にほんじん です mean, "I am the Japanese dust?" I don't understand the idium.

I hate dumb Americans. If we wanted to have less people hate us, we would either refuse to let these people out of the country, and/or execute them.

Doug Murata said...

わたしは にほんじん です = I am Japanese.

わたしは being "I", にほんじん being "Japanese person", and です being a shortening of the phrase でいます, or "to exist." It basically translates to "I exist as a Japanese person," or "I am Japanese."

It's times like these that I'm so glad I was raised with a Japanese influence. (I'm also reminded of this whenever I have to deal with some of my mom's relatives (i.e. my white relatives.)) I've known lots of wonderful people who fit into that white American category, but it's people like this trio that just give every one of 'em a bad name.

Kira said...

For some reason, this reminds me of when my daughter was asking about why Alex was called Frog by the English and Roast Beef by the French (for being half English, half French) whenever he was in either country. She said, momma...what's the name that folks call Americans then?

I didn't have the heart to tell her it's "asshole."

However, her and her brother came up with their own. I don't know why--my kids, like their mother, are not right in the head--but they picked out "chicken buttocks." Go figure.

SJ said...

Hmmm Japanese don't have emotions? Seriously I don't see why they can't karate chop these guys. Oh yeah it's called culture. Whatever.

Anonymous said...

nice japanese gentleman, keep up the good work and marry the Japanese lady. Then protect her from all other redneck pricks.

RefleXtion said...

That would have been one helluva irritating lunch! Usually outta-towners don't behave like that do they? I mean they stand out like a sore thumb...but they don't bring attention to themselves...but upwardly mobile just-got-rich-in-this-generation yuppies always do!

Mel said...

It's why we all hate Americans - we love your donuts tho... mmmm Krispy Kreme....

Ayako said...

Wow, that is just atrocious. I've had a similar experience at Komachi too with some prissy fratboy driving around with his daddy's BMW and his token blonde bimbo girlfriend. They were so rude to the owner that I wanted to walk by and WHACK the guy on the back of the head. But I had to settle for shooting them dirty looks for the rest of the time they were there. You've got army training right? Put it to good use the next time =D


Enemy of the Republic said...

Did they discuss penis size and how many women they have stashed in various apartments? Maybe that's only on the East Coast. When I used to wait tables, I knew people who would spit into food or flick their cigarette ashes, even leave cigarette butts in cheesy pizzas. It is bad business to mess with a server. Not all will let God take revenge.

BBB_0202020 said...

stopping by to show some love...havent heard been by in a while

PBS said...

Wow, hope the servers did do something bad to their food. But I bet they didn't. I've seen people like that in airport lines, talking loudly into their cells and to each other about business deals, car names "Pick me up in the Jaguar, Hon." and women. Disgusting.

Angie said...

I recently read an article about how Americans are more immature than in the past. The 3 morons you describe certainly seem to uphold this theory. Doesn't this seem like behavior you'd expect from ill-mannered teenagers?

patti_cake said...

I can't stand yuppie assclowns like that either (male or female versions) but I don't particularly give a shit about what the rest of the world thinks about americans either. Or me.

Joe said...

There are gay polo shirts? I need to be much more careful when I'm shopping from now on.

Anyway, that sounds like the most annoying lunch of all time. I commend you for not escalating things, but how you refrained from doing so is beyond me. As always, you're a better man than most, Grant.

Grant said...

leesa - I suspect you of using a computer program for the translation. You should learn the language proper, like we Japanese folk.

doug - quit giving away our Nihongo secrets. I'm keeping our club exclusive. :p

kira - I'll spread the word as soon as I learn the word "buttocks" in Japanese. It should come up in class soon.

sj - yes, I wish they would pick up the American propensity towards violence.

fatty - as you command. I think I'll propose marriage the next time I order. If she refuses, I'll just act like my Japanese is a little off. "I meant to ask for the yasai tempura."

reflextion - they were locals, but you're right - the yuppies think we envy them, stupidly unaware that most people don't have the same shallow value system.

mel - note to President Bush: bomb Australia next. The have, um, WMD's. That's right. And Osama bin Laden was just spotted there in a donut shoppe, so take those out first.

ayako - assuming I translated your Hiragana correctly, yes, I will marry you. :p Actually, I can read the Hiragana but I don't recognize all the words yet. I'll keep studying.

enemy - I'm kind of glad they didn't do anything. Those guys deserved a comeuppance, but I wouldn't have wanted to see the Nihon no usagi stoop to their level. I hate it when the lowest among us set the tone.

tigerkiss - your love is acknowledged. =)

pbs - I think it's funny that they actually think they're impressing others by bragging instead of just demonstrating what louts they are.

angie - I can believe that people are less mature, although most teenagers aren't that bad. It takes a few years in the office to develop a true yuppie moron.

patti_cake - I care just because I've travelled and have had to deal with other people, plus it reflects poorly upon them. It's just another form of prejudice, like racism (countryism?). If they're justified in hating all Americans for the actions of a few, then the KKK is justified in lighting crosses because I once met an inconsiderate black person.

mal said...

the only good thing to say about "the ugly american" is that most countries have their own version of them. Not a very warming thought

Anonymous said...

good idea, i expect an update on your success.

Weary Hag said...

I was going to say exactly what Mal said. Every culture has em. And every asshole belongs to some culture.

You're such a good boy to refrain from killing or maiming in this situation. Soooo.... where'd it get ya?

Anonymous said...

Americans rock !!!!! Dont be so jealous,it shows and i feel sorry for all of you.haha