Friday, February 24, 2006

I Do Not Have Yellow Fever – Part II

Now to my main point: I do not have yellow fever. Many of you probably think that I am obsessed with Asian women and culture, but it’s just not true. Sure, I’m attracted to my dentist, and by attracted I mean I love her deeply and forever and would gladly kill or die according to her whim (although I prefer the former) and I have entertained thoughts of trying to impress her with a musical suicide run, but her Asian heritage is only a small part of the appeal. She speaks as though she was born and raised in the U.S. and I like the way she is polite yet direct, intelligent with a good vocabulary, caring, and does not treat me like a nuisance or inferior. The fact that she’s also the most stunningly gorgeous woman I’ve ever met doesn’t hurt either.

I’ll admit I do find Asian women more attractive than others; that is, while designing my perfect woman (and who hasn’t thought of their perfect mate) I would choose to make her Asian just because I think the gold-kissed skin, almond-shaped eyes shining like wet coal, shimmering straight black hair, and lean, elegant figures comprise the most attractive compilation, kind of like how most men default to blonde hair and big boobs. For some reason you can claim to like nymphomaniacal big tittied platinum blondes and it’s considered a healthy preference; say you find Asian women more attractive and it’s called a fetish. I could see that if I ascribed a certain mystique to them, but I don’t. Just because a woman is Asian, I don’t automatically assume she’s courteous to the point of being obsequious and deferential, or suicidally hard working, or desperate to get married and squeeze out babies, or that she has some instinctive Oriental secret orgasmic super powers she can whip out in the bedroom. I just like the look.

The funny thing is, in my horny high school days I thought Asians were the least attractive of all the girls. I liked dark hair and pale skin (and later redheads) the best, and I also thought black and brown girls looked just fine (depending on the individual), but yellow skin was a complete turnoff because it looked like dirty white skin. Whenever somebody would get hold of a picture of an Asian hottie modeling a bikini or lingerie, I would look at it and immediately think “She needs a bath.” Fortunately this didn’t keep me from swimming in pools of underaged nookie; my personality took care of that. Besides, in a high school of around 2,000 people, we only had one student of Asian descent – a girl a couple of years behind me who wasn’t anywhere near pretty, the poor thing. People complain about being a woman or minority in a white man’s world. I often wondered how she felt, being the only one of her race at our school (and unattractive to boot), but I guess I’ll never truly know. I did feel bad for her – lanky, gangly, wearing glasses that weighed more than her head, and subjected to comments not quite out of earshot from students I wouldn’t have guessed were normally racist or even mean-spirited.

But to hell with her. Back to me – I do not have yellow fever. Yes, I find my nihongo no sensei to be extremely kawaii, but last week I managed to work with her for an hour during my private lesson and not once did I mentally undress her and think about the two of us having sex on the classroom table. It was more like ten times, but that’s still way lower than my normal average with any attractive woman. Despite the mini hottie in the room with me, who was actually making eye contact and asking me personal questions (“Are you Japanese? Is that your car?”), I managed to focus on the lesson.

Class update – this week I’m bringing a tape recorder to get a sampling of the way she pronounces a few words so I’ll have it as a future reference for when I’m practicing at home. After I got her permission to do so via e-mail, a dirty (read: guy) trick occurred to me: I should slip in a few naughty things for her to say in addition to the bits of polite conversation. “Hajimemashite. Douzo yorishiku. Penetrate me, you big gaijin stud-muffin. Doumo arigato.” I wonder if she’ll notice and, if she does, object? If I slowly slip these little gems into the conversation, maybe she won’t notice as I steer our language lessons to something a little more kinky over the following weeks. With enough subtlety she won’t even notice when I begin taking nekkid pictures of her (I’m shooting for week nine – wish me luck). But do not tell me I have yellow fever.

I’ll admit to a certain fascination with Japanese horror movies, but it’s not just due to the Japanese cuties who tend to get naked and sexed-up before being carved into hunks of quivering sushi. J-horror not only blurs the lines between horror and porn, the violence is keenly over the top. Just watch Ichi the Killer, Battle Royale, and Suicide Club before viewing Kill Bill. They’ll make you want to find Tarantino and scream “Pussy! Is that all you’ve got?” in his face. Besides, Japanese schoolgirls (the preferred J-horror victim) have a cuteness factor that makes them more ironically ideal than any other. They walk onscreen in their identical outfits, chatter in their high, chirpy voices, the director inserts a vestige of a plot in order to connect the scenes of wanton carnage, and then most of them die leaving behind adorable little corpses. But don’t say I have yellow fever just because I appreciate serious art.

As for the serial killings, I prefer to hunt outside of my ethnic group because, according to the “rules” of the FBI profilers…okay, my lawyer has informed me it would be best not to complete that sentence. Let’s just say that I love to screw with their profiles by ignoring the established rules of victimology. So, okay, maybe the random killing sprees are suddenly looking a tad less random, but if it keeps the cops away from my front door (and, more importantly, basement) it’s aces in my book. Besides, when you’re planning spaces for cages and shallow graves, Asian schoolgirls don’t require nearly the amount…okay, my lawyer is once again informing me to move on. He’s such a stick in the mud. Fortunately, the world will never miss him. :)

That’s all for now. I have to study my Japanese lesson for class tonight. After class, I’ll go home and relax with one of the many J-horror and / or anime discs I have from NetFlix, then go to bed early (and hopefully not be awakened by non Asian women wanting my beer) so I can arise in time for tomorrow’s lesson. But I do not have yerrow – I meant, yellow – fever.

Sayonara, y’all.

11 comments:

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Hey, I'm not name calling...I have a fetish...er...I mean, since I grew up, I've always had a "thing" for guys with British accents.

How on earth I ended up married to a man from Illinois with a southern drawl almost as bad as Rhett Butler, I will never understand.

And just for the record, there is NOTHING wrong with kinky language....I say go for it! ;)

Kerry said...

Do it!
I double dog dare ya! Insert extra words (those you mentioned to be specific) and see if she notices... or makes mental notes to take advantage of your offer later :)

Eternity said...

I want to say something of interest but I am too distracted by the murderer downstairs...

PBS said...

Yep, I have a thing for tall, dark and handsome men (really!). It's so cliché, what can I say about your, um, interest?

fatty ~ said...

give me a sexy south american any day... argentinians!

thank you, thank you and thank you again. woot! =D
Being in the minority group - your in that akward place of being looked over as not an option. Tis quite unfortunate...(though i'm too tanned to have yellow skin)

not that it doesnt work the other way... most asian guys/girls go for other asian girls/guys - which is sad, coz scrawny, spiky-black-haired guys do not turn me on at all...

Kira said...

I suppose since I have pale skin, red hair, and curves I'm ruled out for hot Grant lovin'....damn! And here I am needing backup men due to the fiance's exhaustion!

We're attracted to what we're attracted, and that's that. For me, though, I don't think the criteria has ever changed. There's three things I really find striking: dark hair, light eyes, and a strong jawline. Height is a non issue for a 5'2" woman...unless I'm shopping for my man in the midget department of the circus, he's going to be taller than me. But the other three items? Damn, I don't care if the guy is 20 or 40, if he's got that unholy trio, I'm hard pressed not to look. I didn't ask to be set up that way. It just IS that way. Chemistry is just what it is.

Prata said...

Jhorror. Man, I make jhorror my life! Ichi the Killer was excellent. Also, watch the original "The Grudge", Juon.

Excellent!

I have so much anime man. I'd send you some if you let me know anything you like in particular. My collection is rather large. Apparently I have a thing for asians yeah...I'm told I should discuss this in the open anymore. Feds and all.

Spider Girl said...

My first boyfriend was Asian. He had a cute round little face and glasses and always wore a tie to school. His name was Eddie Wu.

His parents talked to my parents about a possible wedding contract. I still have the pretty little wedding doll Eddie gave me.

He once stood up in class and said, "All girls are made of poo excepept for Spider girl!".

We were six years old. Sigh.

Liz said...

So do you have some kind of gum disease or what? Seems like you go to see the Bunny every few weeks. I've probably missed that info somewhere.

Murdery Tip: Always keep it truely random for your anonymity.

Maybe your lawyer and Cheney should go hunting together sometime.

Grant said...

pq - have you tried making him speak with a Brit accent?

kerry - well, it's a lucky thing you didn't triple dog dare me. She's married and I have a rule about mixing personal and professional relationships, so I'm not crossing that line for at least two more weeks.

eternity - it's always the quiet ones who live nearby, isn't it?

pbs - I think the Asian thing is becoming cliche as well. Poor big-tittied, blonde nymphomaniacs.

aka fatty - I've heard gaijin have something of an advantage in Asia, but it's probably just a myth.

kira - redheads are still my 2nd favorite (leftover from my high school / army day), so don't lose hope. I'll just keep stringing you along in case the world runs out of Asian women.

prata - Jhorror rulz! I've seen Ichi, as well as Battle Royale and Suicide Club which I've heard one critic refer to as the triad foundation of Jhorror. Pretty much anything by Takashi Miike is good (I'm watching Dead or Alive 2 as I type this).

spider girl - does he have a sister? And can you perhaps post the tale of this marriage contract?

liz - I don't have gum disease, but I did have a lot of cavities and a couple of chipped teeth so I had a lot of upfront work done. I don't see her every week - it's more like every six months. I just blog about her every week. I love my Ninja Bunny Dentist. :)

Kerry said...

I almost Triple Dogged ya... but I thought it was more appropriate to start with the Double Dog and move on up if necessary.

umm... the being married part concerns me some. I'm thinking a pissed off hubby isnt really a fun time. ;)