I’ve Been Chicked!

Warning – this post might take a minute to load if you have a crappy old dial-up system. Of course if you do, I laugh at you with sardonic wrath. Get DSL or a cable modem, you cheap bastard. I could walk the data over to your house faster than your modem delivers.

Anyway, in preparation for movie night tomorrow I stopped by the store for organic mini cheese pizzas and German beer. While downloading the beers into the refrigerator, I discovered a chick tract hidden inside the carton. For those of you lucky enough to be unfamiliar with chick tracts, they’re simplistic and violent little cartoons intended to scare people into xtianity. It’s basically the same homegrown terrorist mentality as those who think that they can end abortions by displaying grotesque pictures of dead babies with their little fingers splayed outwards as if giving you a bye-bye wave from the afterlife, or the holy morons who glue a jesus fish to their bumper believing they’ll convert a few tailgaters on the way to church. The chick people want the converted to witness JC by handing these out to gullible heathens, especially in lieu of Halloween candy, and then stand back and watch the souls ascend into heaven. From what I’ve heard, the pious have also been using these in place of money when they tip their waitresses and, as I discovered, they like to leave them in places where the wicked are likely to discover them. Because good people don’t drink beer.

Following is the complete converting cartoon “Somebody Loves Me.” Lacking an actual scanner, I took pictures of the pages and posted them below.

*EDIT* In order to preserve bandwith, I removed the images and have provided a link to the tract here.

If you can’t tell, their suggested prayer has the words “precious blood” in bold. Those chick people love to include the word "blood" in all their prayers.

Now doesn’t that just motivate you into action? Personally, I’d like crucify the chick people on the grounds of general stupidity and a complete lack of sense. Also, if I catch anyone in my neighborhood handing these out at Halloween, I'll trick them with my variation on the old flaming bag of dog poo trick. In my version, I set a paper bag filled with doggy doo on their porch and light the bag on fire. When they come out to stomp on it, I shoot them with a bazooka.