Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I’ve Been Chicked!

Warning – this post might take a minute to load if you have a crappy old dial-up system. Of course if you do, I laugh at you with sardonic wrath. Get DSL or a cable modem, you cheap bastard. I could walk the data over to your house faster than your modem delivers.

Anyway, in preparation for movie night tomorrow I stopped by the store for organic mini cheese pizzas and German beer. While downloading the beers into the refrigerator, I discovered a chick tract hidden inside the carton. For those of you lucky enough to be unfamiliar with chick tracts, they’re simplistic and violent little cartoons intended to scare people into xtianity. It’s basically the same homegrown terrorist mentality as those who think that they can end abortions by displaying grotesque pictures of dead babies with their little fingers splayed outwards as if giving you a bye-bye wave from the afterlife, or the holy morons who glue a jesus fish to their bumper believing they’ll convert a few tailgaters on the way to church. The chick people want the converted to witness JC by handing these out to gullible heathens, especially in lieu of Halloween candy, and then stand back and watch the souls ascend into heaven. From what I’ve heard, the pious have also been using these in place of money when they tip their waitresses and, as I discovered, they like to leave them in places where the wicked are likely to discover them. Because good people don’t drink beer.

Following is the complete converting cartoon “Somebody Loves Me.” Lacking an actual scanner, I took pictures of the pages and posted them below.

*EDIT* In order to preserve bandwith, I removed the images and have provided a link to the tract here.

If you can’t tell, their suggested prayer has the words “precious blood” in bold. Those chick people love to include the word "blood" in all their prayers.

Now doesn’t that just motivate you into action? Personally, I’d like crucify the chick people on the grounds of general stupidity and a complete lack of sense. Also, if I catch anyone in my neighborhood handing these out at Halloween, I'll trick them with my variation on the old flaming bag of dog poo trick. In my version, I set a paper bag filled with doggy doo on their porch and light the bag on fire. When they come out to stomp on it, I shoot them with a bazooka.

14 comments:

Valkyrie said...

That is a waste of paper. Ugh. How nauseating.

Mel said...

Holy Flamin' Moe! I would say 'I don't believe it' only I do believe it - I'm thankful I live in my sometimes racist society packed full of people who mostly refrain from plastering nonsense like that around -
I hear you guys get besieged by idiotic bumper stickers proclaiming all sorts of weird things as well...

Just Some Gal said...

God, they are rampant here in the Houston area too. I hate them, always have, always will...to me its as if they have picked that garbage to draw from the imaginations of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson... *gagging*

Mel is right, they do bumpersticker conversions too...

*SIGH*

Sometimes I sooo hate living in the "bible belt" region.

Seven said...

That looks like a perfectly comfortable box to me! Seems like the kid is doing OK owning his own place and all. He just needs a dog and a wife to finish it out.
I'm actually not offended by this nonsense; it simply reveals a level of 'diminished intellect'. That is what is scary, not the message itself.
To understand that people are trying to persuade others with such simplistic messages is TRULY SCARY.
To be persuaded by such a simplistic message is scarier yet.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Ugh....that's just sad.

P.S. - And as far as dial-up, Mr. Smarty-Pants...that's the only interenet access I can get here in Hicksville, USA....;)

It REALLY amazes me that I live in one of THE tourist capitals of the world, I can damn near see Disney's fireworks from my damn backyard yet there is NO high-speed internet access available to my area. How stupid is that???

It truly sucks...:(

circe said...

Oh hell, Grant, I'm totally motivated now!

:)

Connie blinked at said...

the christian club at our school used to pass those out. they have a HORRIBLE anti-mormon one too.

Liz said...

So Jesus is good because he lets you become a slave, get beat, become homeless, and then lets you die on the street. Wow he sounds like a swell guy. Sign me up. Thanks for saving my soul Grant.

I’m with you, I know who needs the real beating here. See ya in hell:)

Valkyrie said...

I saw a pagan version of this kind of propaganda floating around Portland. It was about how the some days of the week are named after pagan deities, mostly Norse.

Like Thor and Freya.

(I guess since I have a good dose of Norwegian blood in me, they're my true gods. All hail Odin)

Leesa said...

So is your bazooka a registered firearm? At least it is not a semi-automatic weapon.

JB said...

Prayin' for all of you.

PBS said...

Wow, like THAT's supposed to recruit someone!

Honey-Libra said...

I have never seen one of those before..wow

unforgiving b*tch said...

That's so sick....I mean, I thought (perhaps naively) that Christians were supposed to be proclaiming Jesus' love for others -- not watching them get beat so he can "save" them later...

WTF?!?