Gift List

Here’s another idea stolen from Leesa in the spirit of the holiday season: “I thought it would be fun to list items that I would give you – if money was no object. And the cost of the object would in no way reflect how valuable you are to me.” Check out her post and note the fact that she got me absolutely nothing. :p

Annush: your own pet cow named Lunch. “I shall name him lunch, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my lunch.” Hopefully it will reacquaint you with the joys of eating meat, you psycho vegetarian.

Vomitgod: the Satanic Bible signed by Lavey (after his death).

Weary Hag: a romantic honeymoon clubbing baby seals. Happy marriage!

Gib: life-sized Buffy action figures. Don’t tell anyone, but they’re actually the original cast sealed in wax.

Leesa: this book on etiquette for a proper lady. I figured you could use a laugh.

Libélula: 10 free heavy metal music downloads and a “Computers for Dummies” book for your stand-in.

PBS: Who Moved My Cheese, a corporate book about dealing with change that would insult a toddler’s intelligence. I don’t want you to read it, I just think it would be an ironic choice of murder weapon when you take out Bosszilla.

Melly: Industrial strength Velcro to keep you from falling off the Earth since you chose to live on the bottom half of the planet.

Malia: a copy of The Exorcist to play for your new church. I’ll try to have it autographed by Satan.

Ddot the King: The patented Flamesaw in the hopes that it inspires you to experience the unbridled joy of random killing sprees.

R: a new computer (not a Gateway 2000) loaded with the first two versions of Carmageddon and a year of NetFlix free so you can see all the J-horror you want.

Mik: An annual bus pass, a baseball bat, and a get out of jail free card.

Peanut Queen: a twenty pack of “I’m declaring myself single for a day!” vouchers and a bag of snow.

H. E. Eigler: an inflatable muse complete with an electronic voice that periodically screams “Get back to work.”

Pink Lady: an IM death ray and a family-sized bottle of hot sauce.

Liz: an industrial strength surge suppressor and a mug with “coffee – two f’s, two e’s” printed on the side.

Prata: a lifetime supply of rotgut whiskey laced with bleach. I can handle you being younger and better looking, but I’m not risking you being a better writer than me. It’s time to cill some brain kells.

Sarcasmo: just in time for your vacation, an American to English phrasebook based upon A Clockwork Orange. “Can ye spare some cutter, me droogie?”

Butterscotch: a bottle of Sominex and a ticket to Scotland. Note – don’t use both at the same time.

Spider Girl: an Indian war club so you can pagan it up American style.

Ava Toxic: U2 tickets. Also tickets to see King Diamond in the hopes that you develop some decent metal tastes.

TOAD: This t-shirt.

Blondie: this child safety harness. Note – he’ll grow up to hate you, but you can keep him uncomfortably close in the meantime.

Nobius Black: the recut Sin City.

Kira: pick your generator. We can’t have you turning blue again. People will call you O’Smurfette.

Circe: Conan O’Brien