Happy Halloween

It’s that time of year again, kiddies, when we grab our chainsaws, dress in weird clothing, and let the gutters run red with the blood of our enemies and a few random strangers.

Whoops. My bad. That’s Arbor Day. This is Halloween, a religious observance wherein we give thanks to the patron saint of dentists (Saint Ouchie) by dressing in cool costumes, going to parties, and scarfing enough sugar to rot our teeth for the next four generations. Costumes, parties, and candy – that’s Halloween, and don’t let anyone tell you differently.

Some party poopers, i.e. xtians, may try to limit your costume choices. If they’re not your parents, teachers, or bosses, just tell them to take long drop with a short rope and hug the afterlife. Don’t forget to tell jebus you want your Sunday school time back. If you have to abide by their wishes, remember that there are ways to follow the letter of the law while completely trashing the spirit.

If your detractors decide you are not allowed to wear any traditional “evil” costumes, try dressing as a good witch or a reformed serial rapist. Or you could try being a sort of nouveau vegan zombie that only munches tofu (insist on being referred to as an Undead American). Even better – dress as Satan and insist that He is good and that the entire bible is biased by the drugged out followers of their zombie hippy god.

Another xtian trend is to limit costumes to things Historical, Biblical, or Occupational (HBO). That leaves open plenty of room to maneuver. You can dress as a practitioner of the world’s second oldest profession (the oldest one actually being god, of course). Don’t forget that in ancient times, street walkers sometimes wore nothing at all while applying their trade. Go to it, and good luck. Once again, HBO limits leave Lucifer as a viable alternative, and also Hitler, seal clubbers, and Roman gladiators.

But the ultimate costume for this year, the one that passes all the standards and rules, is Police Officer: uniforms are sexy, cop outfits are easy to find or create, and nobody has to know you’re dirty. Just smile for the public and, when nobody is looking, sell crack to toddlers and take bribes. Remember, kiddies – bribes come in all forms, not just money and free donuts. Sexual favors and more drugs count too. And don’t forget that the key to a good costume is authentic accessories. If anyone tries to gig you for wearing a costume that’s too authentic, just complain in a whiny voice. “Aw, c’mon. The gun’s barely loaded.”

Whatever you decide to wear, be sure to practice basic outdoor safety while wandering around at night. Stay in well-lit, well-trafficked areas like the median strip of an Interstate highway, or a football field during the game, or the runway in a strip club. If you must do drugs, avoid the psychogenic stuff until you get home. This is not the time for hallucinations. Finally, be sure to carry a light source on you at all times. I recommend parading around with a lower-case letter “t” held aloft and set ablaze. This works especially well in conjunction with a traditional ghost costume, especially if you have a pointy head. Be sure to goose-step as you walk along; the added cardio workout will come in handy later when you want to metabolize away those little Snicker bars, or when you have to outrun hordes of ethnic Halloweeners.

Have a safe and happy Halloween weekend, everyone. Uncle Zorzan has to prepare for your arrival on Monday. Let’s see. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups: check. Baby Ruth bars: check. Industrial strength beer: check. Hockey mask: check. Flamesaw ™: check…

Evil, out