Friday, September 30, 2005

Time to belly up to the bar

Time for the hard liquor experiment. If you’re just tuning in, I’m coming off a month long vacation from drinking and I’ll be doing a two ounce shot of whiskey every half hour until I yark, pass out, or succumb to sweet death. I’m starting late, but since I’m such a lightweight drinker after my hiatus I’m sure I’ll be facedown in a pile of puke by midnight. And on that happy note, let’s get started.

9:30 PM I belly up to the bar (a.k.a. computer desk) and pour my first two ounce shot of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey. Two ounces never looked like so much. Okay. Time to gird my loins, braid my chest hair, and remember that I’m a man. A manly man. If the cowboys can do this, so can I.

BLEAH! Oh, god. Kill me now. What the hell were the cowboys thinking?

Water’s not washing the taste away. Need something with flavor. Peanuts not doing the job either. Time for drastic measures. I’ve got a few Mountain Dews in the refrigerator for company. MD and JD don’t go together well, but I’ll try anything at this point.

Okay, better. I may make it to 10 PM.

10:00 PM Better. The combination of water, peanuts, and Mountain Dew may get me through this night. So far I’m not feeling any effects.

10:30 PM Feelin’ fine, although the booze still tastes awful.

11:00 PM I have the system down now – shoot the shot, follow immediately with a large drink of water, small handful of peanuts, drink of Mountain Dew. I barely suffer at all that way. Since I’m feeling so good I have decided to up the rate to one shot every twenty minutes.

11:20 PM Uh oh. Out of peanuts. I may have to double up on the Mountain Dew. BTW, three things I’ve learned not to do while drinking: 1) Install software. 2) Buy anything online. 3) Leave comments on people’s blogs. Note – I didn’t do any of these just now, I just thought of it for some reason. Booze greases the brain, allowing the Great Magnet to speak to me more plainly.

11:40 PM The whiskey is tasting better. It’s the Mountain Dew that’s getting worse. I may be able to cut it out after the next round.

Midnight The chickening hour is nigh. I’m feeling great. You listen to rock and roll? I am rock and roll! If only I felt this good all the time, like at work…
Then I wouldn’t have a job. Imagine: “Hey, Grant, can you – “
“Fuck you! Blamblamblam!”
I guess it’s good I have some restraint in the cube farm.

Chicken + 20 No new revelations, but still feeling mighty fine. This makes one pound of booze I’ve pounded down, and I’m still not dead. Which is lovely. The cube rute of eight is two.

12:40 AM Before DST, this would still be on the respectable side of midnight. No new e-mails. Do not force Zorzan to go Voodou on your buttocks. The bottle is still two-thirds full. It’s possible I may outlast the JD. I didn’t consider that outcome when calculating the odds. Also, I may be abducted by aliens. So, if I should suddenly disappear from the web, I’m either dead or in another galaxy. In either case, touch my iPod and I’ll kill and/or haunt you.

01:00 AM Too unfocused to play video games. I put on The Green Mile, a gift from a lovely woman I won’t mention here because she may have a cyberstalker after her. Let’s all wish her well. Death to the other guy. Painful, burning death. Horrible, savage, rotten death. I hope his kneecaps get bitten off by a thousand rabid beavers, set aflame, and shoved up his anus by tap-dancing sparrows or Paul Anka.
The booze isn’t working. I feel completely normal. See you in a bit.

01:20 AM Good is bad, bad is good, all the stuff’s the same.

01:40 AM JD is half empty. Or half full if you’re an alcoholic optimist.

02:00 AM Nothing new to report. The world has paused. Bibbity-bobbity-boo. I am immortal. The great thing about making that claim is that the only way to disprove me is to kill me, in which case I will be inconveniently dead and thus unavailable for comment. Therefore I will receive no comeuppance.

02:20 AM Fatigue is overcoming me faster than alcohol. Must sleep soon. Must worship the devil. I feel stupid.

09:11 AM Well, I didn’t exactly pass out. I think I just got tired and went to bed. I don’t remember. I woke up naked and found my socks stuffed under the bedroom door. There’s a wet spot on the carpet, but it’s only water. My brain feels like it’s running twenty degrees hotter than the rest of my body. Otherwise all is well. I think I’ll be spending today lazing around reading and watching TV.


PBS said...

Ha ha, I've done #2 and #3 while (well, after) drinking! Yeah, usually not a great idea.

Nobius said...

A guy embarassed how about who he wants to shag. Look on the right day, I'd shag my computer if it had a hole in it.

Tell me humans aren't animals. :)

Seriously, you've seen my list before which is umm...quite large. The girls from Gilmore fall in my top twenty definitely. Especially Larenn. She has the "girl" next door look.

annush said...

i'm glad to see you didn't die in the attempt...i so wonder how your socks got so far away from the rest of your body though and why you woke up naked...

K said...

Sir, don't ever put your poor liver under that kind of strain again!! You're too funny. I hope that other guys gets what's coming to him.

That was an interesting post. I'm so glad you didn't choke on your own vomit. That's never good.

I have a few nut jokes I could throw your way but that's inappropriate behavior.

no shouts here, just a whisper for a comment. hush, little one. rest now. we'll laugh and tell jokes later.

sands of time said...

Im late reading this.Are you still with us or still in a drunken stupor.

Malia said...

So, what is your next experiment going to be?


lccb144 said...

glad you're alive? :)

Lor said...

Wow, I'm surprised you remembered about Alex.

My obsession stopped mid-December, I think. I decided it was stupid to be pininng over some guy I barely ever saw and who I talked to even less. That, and I started likingthis other guy, Danny, more. Then I found out he had a girlfriend, so I got over that pretty quickly. Then in about February, I started liking this other guy, who I started dating in March, then we broke up two months later, then we started going out again in July.

Hehe, I find it kind of funny that his name's also Alex.

Weary Hag said...

"The Bitch is Back"

I've just been reading here through your last few posts. I see you've got things completely under control. So comforting.

I like your little experiments. I may try one myself sometime soon. It will involve nicotine and an all-new blog (dedicated to reporting of said experiment). You will be mentioned in it many times, as a source of inspiration.
I dread this whole thing.

circe said...

I kinda wish you had commmented something insane on our blog! LOL
Oh, and I plan to go a month boozeless but it didn't get off to a good start. I ended up drinking ONE glass of CabSauv wine with dinner Monday. But my resolve is firmly in place again for the rest of the month.