Katrina Bashing

Here at the office, where our unofficial motto is “Being an Industry Leader by Eventually Jumping on the Bandwagon,” they have finally begun collecting supplies for people harmed by Katrina’s rampage. Of course, I overheard them referring to it as “Aid for Katrina” instead of “Aid for Katrina’s Victims,” but it’s the thought that counts. That is, unless they really do plan to aid Katrina by renting fire hoses and wind turbines to guide and strengthen Ophelia. Corporate compassion – so close, and yet so far.

Meanwhile, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin has ordered a mandatory evacuation. When the last people who want to leave are removed, they will begin forcing the others “using the minimum amount of force necessary on an individual basis” (I heard that on TV yesterday). I know it is dangerous for them to stay in the Big DisEasy, but if that’s their choice I say let them stay and to hell with them. Two things I don’t want to see on the news: 1) people being forced off their land by the government, and 2) soldiers and police getting harmed while enforcing some resource-wasting, bonehead policy.

Hugo Chavez, Venezuela’s momentary fuhrer, reportedly offered the United States cheap gasoline and other supplies, but we ignored him because he’s a dufus. If I am elected and the situation repeats, I would gladly accept all the help offered and say thank you in return. If he asked for our help during a national crisis, I would give it; of course, I would have offered to help even without his gesture. If he insisted his gifts obligated the U. S. to do his bidding in some way, I would tell him to suck the rigid cock of Satan. That’s my foreign policy. Actually, that’s my domestic policy. The foreign policy would be more like “Aspire el martillo rígido de Satan.”

But it’s not all bad news. After days of bureaucratic prick waving, I’m finally seeing some inadvertent collusion. While randomly cruising through blogs, I have discovered many by knuckle-dragging, cousin-marrying, tobacco juice-spitting inbred redneck hick morons who view Katrina as the wrath of god sent to destroy the Sodomites in New Orleans. Other blogs belonging to tofu-munching, sandal-wearing, $12 latte-sucking wannabe hippy wieners claim that some higher power sent the hurricane to slaughter the masses in protest of President Bush. (Note: I didn’t think to save the links to any of the blogs, and I have no desire to draw attention to those fuckheads anyway, but trust me – they’re out there.) My point is that both sides seem to agree that the devastation of the Gulf Coast was an intentional act of god or some higher power and not just a mindless yet harmful work of nature. It’s good that the two sides are working together, seeing as how they’re really more alike than either would care to admit. Too bad they’re coming together in the bonds of idiocy, but it’s a start. Of the two arguments, I find the “holier than thou die all fornicators” approach more appealing. The destruction due to bad karma leaves god or whomever looking more like a divine terrorist (the bad guys, in case you’ve forgotten) by saying “I’m against your leader, so I think I’ll kill men, women, and children at random to make my point.”

Perhaps you disagree with me. Perhaps you are a fool. Please reference my domestic policy above and leave a comment. Also do something to help those harmed by hurricane Katrina. FYI – the government was slow to get moving, but I’m proud to report they have the finger pointing under control now. You can give it a rest.

Serenity, out