Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Terrorism 101

There has been a lot of talk about terrorism lately, natch. I don’t feel like going on a full rant at this time, but let me toss a few things out to consider:
1) Terrorism existed before the Bush administration; even lovable slick Willy dealt with this problem.
2) Terrorists are hate-sickened individuals that use governmental policy and religion as excuses for carrying out atrocities that don’t achieve their goals or directly harm those they blame.
3) Even before the United States of America existed, the Middle East was not a peaceable land flowing with milk and honey.
4) I agree with Tony when he said the world woke up after 9/11, and then unfortunately rolled over and went back to sleep.
5) Cashews rule, even when they are a bit too salty.

I’ve heard a lot of people talking about what they would do if they were terrorists, such as whacking a political leader or bombing a strategic military target, and I must say you people are all imbeciles. You know nothing of being a terrorist. Clearly defined objectives? Non-civilian targets? What are you thinking? But as this blog is all about caring and sharing and helping others, I’m offering a quick tutorial in Terrorism in place of calling you a bunch of names, you snicklefritz pud-knackering pile of goose barf you.

To be a successful terrorist:
1) Thoroughly read a religious text, be it the Talmud, Koran, Tao Te Ching, latest Harry Potter installment, or one of the many xtian Bibles.
2) Whatever it actually says, convince yourself the underlying conclusion of your chosen religion is that god wants YOU to kill in his or her name.
3) Pick a godless heathen infidel target like the American Military, Parliament, PETA, or the nearest Wal-Mart.
4) Teach them a lesson by bombing an unrelated civilian target, killing as many people as you can regardless of what nationality and/or religion they represent (including your own).
5) Claim victory in every printed rag and web site that will carry your words.

Also, remember that suicide bombing is a serious business - there's no room for amateurs. The key to getting it right is practice, practice, practice. I suggest you go to a remote so you can work in peace and practice detonating yourself. Use live explosives since you need to train in a realistic environment. After you manage to blow yourself up three consecutive times, you’ll be ready for a live run.

On a slightly related note, I’m disappointed in the paucity of negative comments this blog has been generating of late. People used to drop by just to go into caps lock mode and scream at me to FIND JESUS, GOD DAMNIT! So, in an attempt to get things going again, I just want to say that your religion wipes, those pants make your butt look big, and (your political or religious leader here) sucks the great schlong of Satan.

10 comments:

Angy said...

Youa re hilarious! And 100% correct. I agree with you.

annush said...

Hey! YOu can say whatever you want about my religion and my religious leader but DO NOT TALK SHIT ABOUT MY BUTT!

:P

Sask 1 said...

How can i say your butt looks big when mine is twice that size.

Ms. X said...

How true! I do the same thing, imagining what I would do if I were a terrorist...thank you for making me realize how stupid I am--and that is not a sarcastic remark.

Sarcasmo said...

Well said...except the bit about the cashews, which is just crazy.

Walnuts, in fact, rule.

VomitGod said...

You stupid asshole! :)

Nobius said...

Why need Jesus's love when you have Nobius's love?

dan said...

I think you've pretty much nailed it.

Toad734 said...

Fuck you I disagree, cashews are only good when they have a small amount of salt!

Lupe Dameron said...

I hope you are well!