Thursday, February 17, 2005

Process Improvement

Sarcasmo posted a link to a lovely story about robots being outfitted with weaponry and trained to kill. Personally, I welcome our evil robot overlords (anything that breaks up the monotony of the work day), but it occurred to me that, while robots should be able to kill more efficiently than their messy human counterparts, they lack artistic sensibilities. Therefore, I have devised a basic program for killbots designed to add a little flair to their work. All you have to do is hard wire their CPU to randomly choose from the following commands, and viola! Robopsycho! Now complete with RKS (Random Killing Spree) technology ®. Available commands (beta version):
1. Activate Flamesaw ™.
2. You do the hokey pokey.
3. Random compliment – “Gee, your shoes smell nice.”
4. Stabbity-stab-stab.
5. Anybody want a waffle?
6. Say hello to my little friend.
7. Hey, Macarena!
8. Kill! Kill!
9. What makes the grass grow?
10. Take a souvenir.
11. Because that’s what it’s all about.
12. Swing the bat.
Obviously there’s room for improvement. Every generation could include another dozen commands on top of the ones provided above. Also, every robot should be outfitted with a clown wig and jackboots (unless they have treads, which should be shaped like daisies) but I think that goes without saying.

Metal, out

1 comment:

Nobius said...

Good post.

Here's a few more commands:

Wet Willie.

Pull my finger.

Kung Fu Grip.

Hairy Palm.

Go go gadget gas. (Pull my finger II.)

BLOW torch. (Yes, BLOW in caps.)

Kick Ass.

Moonsault followed by Walls of Jericho.

Hey little girl, wanna piece of candy?

...okay so I could go on and on but you get the idea.