Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Patent Ideas

The problem with America is that we don’t have enough products out there. Sure, the stores are crammed full of crap, but have you ever noticed how many of our needs aren’t being met? For example, where are the:

Hydraulic Pogo Sticks. For those of us who like the concept of pogo sticks, and would even like to ride them to work or downtown, but don’t have the energy to go thirty miles on one. The solution? Jackhammers powered by detachable batter packs with foot pegs on the sides and a rubber stopper installed on the bottom. The hardcore can accessorize with flames and leather saddlebags.

Refrigerated Pillows. Every time I turn during the night, I rearrange my pillows for that brief sensation of cool fabric against my overheated head. Scant seconds later, and it’s gone. If only there were a way to keep the pillow cool all night. Enter the refrigerated pillow with a condenser core and power cord running to the nearest outlet. Turn it down to maximum for a hangover or throbbing tooth, or to keep your beer cold.

Cardio Exorcism. Since Cardio Strip has (supposedly) been sweeping the nation, it’s just a matter of time before people start looking for the next new exercise fad. Well, here it is. It requires at least two people, but can be done as a couple or group activity. Decide who will be the possessed (you only need one), and who will be the clergy and/or witch hunters. Start with some warm-up chanting and bed thrashing. Step it up with a little jogging in place and Latin curses. Move into resistance training by waving around bibles, attempting to shake the demon from the afflicted, and projectile vomiting. Back to cardio with a series of half-jacks and self-abasement before your god(s). “The power of christ compels you. Okay, left side.” Cool down with a few push-ups while begging for strength and/or absolution. As an unexpected twist, you can end the workout by having the demon kill everyone in the room.

Patently insane, out

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