Saturday, November 27, 2004

Suggestion for Writers Everywhere

For practice, and to make the world a more interesting place, I am calling for all writers to write everything in a more dramatic, literary fashion. I'm not talking about what you normally refer to as "writing," I mean everything you write on a daily basis from checks to business memos to post-it notes. From now on, all my checks will be written in the mystery/horror genre, with a little comedy thrown in. As a further example, following is my grocery list:

Bob pooled the shaving cream into his open hand, reflecting on how much it looked like WHIPPED CREAM and nothing at all like MILK (SKIM). He rubbed the lather into his beard, reached for his razor, and then froze. He sensed an evil presence behind him, although the mirror revealed nothing because it was a vampire back there and reflecting is just one of those things they don't do. Anyhoo, the vampire sank its fangs into Bob's neck, his warm, salty blood soaking into his shirt, creating the type of stain that COLOR SAFE BLEACH won't fix. Bob's bladder let go, soaking the crotch of his sweats like spilled MOUNTAIN DEW (2 LITER), although it was warm unlike how MOUNTAIN DEW (12 OZ 12 PACK) is normally served so you can just put that image out of your mind. The vampire's eyes flared red, one bright like MARASCHINO CHERRIES (WITH STEM) and the other closer to HORMEL CHILI (ANY FLAVOR EXCEPT TURKEY WHICH KIND OF SUCKS). Bob farted, then died. As he fell to the blood-spattered tile, his last thoughts, before his spirit fled this giant mudball, centered on HOT DOG BUNS.

PREFERABLY FROM THE DELI, BUT SARA LEE IS OKAY TOO.

I confess: I really don't need cherries or (bleah) canned chili, but they fit the story. This brings up an interesting dilemma - what takes precedence, my story or my pantry? As a dedicated artist I can't betray my integrity, so I could be eating some pretty weird stuff. "Yes, the Hamburger Helper calls for ground beef, but I felt the protagonist would have really defended himself with fava beans and a quart of lighter fluid."

Word, out

3 comments:

Nobius said...

That's a good one. Of course with four kids and a wife, my grocery list story would have to be a novel!

-Nobius Black
"Angels eat it with a knife and fork." --Nobius
nobius.blogspot.com

Sarcasmo said...

I *love* this idea.

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