Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Brush with the law ver 2.2

Aftermath #1: my lawyer sent a few letters to the college, who wrote back and said they would consider submitting my case to the student council (who is supposed to be in charge of these things) if I paid for extensive therapy and produced an evaluation from a psychologist proving that I was not a danger to anyone. I responded by killing everyone on campus using only my teeth. (Okay, sorry about that last bit. I'll return to the truth now). I mentioned the fact that the school's rules stated 1) a student couldn't be expelled without a hearing before the student council first, and 2) if the student was deemed to be a danger, the school would pay for an evaluation. My lawyer said the student code wasn't legally enforceable. I also mentioned the fact that they listed me as voluntarily withdrawing instead of involuntarily escorted out by armed guard, but he didn't think that was worth pursuing either. I further mentioned the fact that Dr. Bumperhumper had invoked the law of privelage, but my lawyer said that he had lied - it didn't count since I was his student, not his patient. I saw that nothing was going to come of the letter writing, so I asked about taking them to court. He told me he would only proceed if I paid his legal fees up front, about $3,000. I couldn't afford that, so I had to drop the matter. He then informed me that he was not only charging for the letters, but had been billing me for each time I called to ask what was happening. I spent several months sending all my spare cash to him, during which time he sent me a letter every month threatening to turn the matter over to a collections agency (fortunately, he didn't charge me for those letters).

Lesson learned #1: never, ever hire a lawyer unless it's a criminal matter or you're very rich. The main goal of the civil legal system is to create more laws which means more work and more money for more lawyers (this is not just my opinion - a civil attorney told me). Further note: die, lawyers!

Aftermath #2: shortly after being forced to quit the security business, my house was robbed. The thieves were obviously after my gun - they ransacked the place until they found it, then stopped and fled. I previously mentioned that I lived in a bad neighborhood - my front porch had a good view of the local crackhouse. I'm guessing the owners or one of their many clients noticed I no longer left in a security guard uniform and went shopping. Anyway, that gave me the fun task of having to call the police and report the crime. They sent out a different copper to take the report.

Lesson learned #2: none. Just kind of ticks me off that my Glock is now in the hands of a real criminal.

Aftermath #3: I tried not to let this shake me, and it didn't except in the short term. I took a break, visited friends and relatives in Chicago and Colorado (neglecting to mention why I was out of school), then returned and applied to the state university. I got in without a hitch, except most of the courses the community college made me take transferred over as electives, which meant all the really cool, optional courses I wanted to take had been spent on their agenda. Some courses didn't transfer at all, which was another setback. The community college had guaranteed that their program was 100% compatible with the state's curriculum so I probably could have sued, but see lesson learned #1.

Lesson learned #3: good is bad, bad is good, all the stuff's the same.

Aftermath #4: for awhile, I told myself that I must be a pretty good writer to cause that kind of stir, but that's just wishful thinking. It doesn't take talent to cause idiots to behave stupidly. I do think I'm a pretty good writer (not that you can tell from here - this blog is just an unfocused rant), but it has nothing to do with my ability to freak people out.

Lesson learned #4: see lesson learned #3.

Lesson learned #5: I was going to preach about not lying on college essays, aptitude tests, or personality inventories, but on second thought I don't think I can advocate that. I didn't feel like I had a choice in this case. I suppose I could have gone to the good doctor, explained my dilemna, and begged for an alternative assignment, but the thought of asking for help turns my stomach.
In the workplace now, many companies are giving potential employees personality tests to see if they fit in. They tell you not to lie since you'll only find yourself the outsider in the group. Newsflash - I already know I'm going to be the outsider; I've been one everywhere I've gone my entire life. I still need to pay my bills, so the rest of you are just going to have to suck it up and deal with my presence. If I bother you that much, go find a new job and/or kill yourself.
Another time I felt compelled to lie was on previous college essay. My English teacher, a wrinkled prune of a Brit, had the class write about something from our Christian point of view. That's right - never mind separation of church and state, she just assumed everyone in her class must be a Christian. I did what she said, and wrote as a Christian - not the humble, go-to-church, say-your-prayers type, or the typical finger-pointing hypocrite type, but the extremist "Kill the abortionists in the name of jesus" type. I was hoping to show the error of her assumptions, but instead I got a 100 on the paper with a note saying the only thing I could have done to improve it would be to include more on my "personal walk with Jesus." I thought about filing a complaint on her, but then heard she was dying of cancer and was only teaching as long as she could manage the pain, so I felt sorry for her and let the matter drop.
Don't get me wrong, I really do believe honesty is usually the best policy. It just doesn't work all the time, especially when dealing with the authorities.

Lesson learned #6: not really a lesson, more of a pondering. Did I do the right thing by cooperating with the fuzz? No telling what would have happened if I didn't, although legally they couldn't do anything to me since I didn't commit a crime. If there was an offense involved, they didn't tell me (they just said I was under investigation). I had always thought crimes were reported to the police, then they attempted to catch the guilty party. It seems they were working a different angle - identify the bad guy, then see what they could pin on him (me).

Lesson learned #7: don't believe authority figures. The only thing I really did during this entire episode was to tell one lie. Actually it was ten pages of lies, but they were stapled together so they only count as one. The authority figures (henceforth to be referred to as ass-clowns, or AC's) responded with their own lies. Dr. Bumperhumper made false claims of privelage (promising to keep all essays secret), then asking to discuss the matter with me after he had already had me expelled. The school board lied by not following any of their own guidelines and by claiming I dropped out with no notice. The pigs lied about my permit, and their intent when they thought they tricked me into showing up at the police station. Allow me to restate the most important lesson here: DON'T TRUST THE AUTHORITIES (ASS-CLOWNS)!

One final note: this happened in Alabama, which has a national reputation for being populated by ignorant hicks with a mideival attitude towards criminals. People I visited in Chicago insisted this could never happen where they lived, it was just a sympton of Alabama redneckery at work. Don't kid yourselves people. Alabama's legal system is a revolving-door joke. Even cop killers frequently make bail in under 24 hours. If it happened there, it can happen elsewhere. Come to think of it, it did.

Kill the pigs, acid's groovy, out

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