We (don't) got the beat

When I was in high school, I belonged to a band called Dick Rot (our symbol was DR with a circle drawn around it for no reason at all). We had only two members, so if anyone claims you can't form a metal band with only two people, they are wrong. If they claim you can't form a decent metal band with only two people, then I'm not in any position to comment.

My friend was the lead singer and bass player*. He held those positions because he owned the tape recorder and the bass guitar, which he could actually play a little. I was the backup vocalist (because I didn't own the tape recorder), drummer (I'll get to that later), and lead/only guitarist because I had the guitar. I couldn't actually play it, so my friend (who couldn't play it either) strummed out some notes by treating it like a small bass with two extra strings. I handled the drum role by banging my social studies book on his night stand. We were both fervently driven by our artistic desire to make money and score chicks, so we practiced for several long minutes, then eventually managed to record a couple of songs. I forget their titles, but basically we packed all thirty seconds (that was as far as our talent would take us) with as much imagery of psychotic violence, sex, drugs and profanity we could muster. "The F-Bombs" would have been a better name for us, for more reasons than one. Christians would picket our concerts, if we held any, although I'm sure our performance would drive them into the churches faster than their pamphlets, if only for the improvement in music.

I should have practiced something other than the guitar, like being quiet. I didn't have the dexterity to play such a nimble instrument. I needed something larger and more blunt, perhaps a gong or a nuclear weapons testing range. What I really wanted to play was the bass, but thought that two would be superfluous. In retrospect, I don't think it would have hurt.

The sad thing is that I didn't make up any of the preceeding facts.

Needless to say, we didn't make a lot of money, and if we scored it was out of pity. I've been thinking of starting up a reunion tour. Order your tickets now. If you pay us enough, we may bypass your town.

Rhythm, out

* Pengy, if you're reading this, he's divorced and I might be able to hook you up.