Dear parents,

Get a grip. I would tell you to get a life, but you already have more than one - yours and your charge(s). Do me a favor and take a quick look at your offspring. If they are either (a) pre-adolescent or (b) displaying an strange hair cut or die job, then this is not aimed at you. Skip down a bit and see what I said about your religion.

For the rest of you, let me start by saying I understand your need to set limits, such as telling the kiddies not to run in the house while carrying an Uzi and smoking crack (take it outside, little Bobby). But the hair thing? Too short? Too long? Too shaved? Wrong color? You guys have been harping on this for as long as I can remember, and probably much longer than that. It's hair, people. It's a perfect medium for self-expression because time will erase anything done to it (i.e. it grows back).

When I was in high school, I wanted to dye my hair black (it's already brown, so I'm practically there). Actually, I wanted to dye it dark green or purple, but seeing as I didn't even have permission for black, I decided to start the rebellion there. Besides, I don't think Clairol carried a decent forest green (maybe that's changed since then). Anyway, I selected the blackiest black they had (the blueish kind) and took care of matters after school. Predictably, my mother had a conniption and accused me of being in league with the devil (I ignored her and finished sacrificing my goat). Later I tried adding a silver stripe to it, but I put the kibosh on that one after deciding I looked too much like an upright black metal skunk.

Okay, I'm through addressing you parents. Skip down and see what I think of your religion.

Dear Hair Oppressed,

Here's the root of the problem: you have to be licensed to drive or get married, guns have to be registered, but they'll let anyone procreate and dominate another human being for eighteen years without even taking a test. I suggest you administer a test now. Go to your parental units and ask them "Why did you have me?" See which of the following categories best describes the answer.

1. I wanted to share my love with the world.
2. I wanted to correct my parents' mistakes.
3. Do I know you?
4. You were a mistake.
5. I'm tired of mowing the grass.
6. You were a gift from god. Go repent, you vile heathen, and clean your room.

Whatever they said, they're wrong and probably lying anyway. The test was just to peg the category of wrong (airheaded, resentful, lost, mean, lazy, or nutso, respectively). The real reason most people have children is that they're too young and stupid to know better (the corollary for older parents being, although they're not as young, they're still stupid). No, I'm not knocking procreation - I understand that it's important for the survival of the human race. I just think most people have children without fully considering what they're getting into, trying to raise and guide a whole human being, all day long, every day, even on weekends and holidays, a person who will be filled with emotions and ideas, frequently conflicting with their own. And as if there aren't enough real concerns, they want to make an issue of trivialities like hairstyle, embarrassed that their son or daughter no longer accessorizes well with their corporate yuppie/devout xtian hypocrite ensemble.

Perhaps you don't agree with me. Perhaps you are a fool. Get your own blog, or post a comment, or set yourself on fire.

It would be irresponsible and unethical of me to suggest that you go out and dye/cut your hair however the hell you want in spite of your parent's wishes. Likewise, I won't mention the fact that it will probably start a fight, but if it didn't something else would and you might as well start learning to stand up for yourself while you're young. Also, it would be very bad if I said Fuck 'em. So I won't be doing any of that. Instead I'll just say good luck, take care, and your hair looks great.

Follicle, out