Thursday, October 21, 2010

Showing the LGBT love

I've heard today we're supposed to wear purple to show some kind of support for the gay community. As it happens, I was wearing purple when I got the message, so I was ahead of the curve. Then I took off my purple to go out into public because the only purple I have is a t-shirt which is not kosher for the office. So, since I didn't get to gay it up in public, I decided to do the LGBT community a service by patiently explaining what actions they can take beyond occasionally duping haters into wearing something that could be misinterpreted as support.
  1. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em (and then act like a complete twat). What's better than carrying around a sign hating on the haters while trying to impart your wisdom to the community through a superior force of lungs? Joining up with them and discrediting their movement by acting even crazier than they do. Bring coffee and donuts to an early demonstration, treat them to some delightful hateful conversation (sprinkled liberally with words like "Jesus" and "wedlock"), then when the demonstration begins whip out a hidden sign and start screaming your agenda. "Free abortions for gay fetuses! Kill all the attractive gay guys in the name of Jesus so more women will have to turn to me for comfort which hopefully leads to them getting drunk and me going for anal!" Note - the second one makes for a really great chant.
  2. If you can't join 'em, beat 'em. If the previous one sounds like too much work, just kick the crap out of them and move on. Moving on.
  3. Announce loudly and with plenty of warning what the supporters will be doing. And then make it something only the hardcore haters will avoid. Instead of something silly like "today, anyone who supports us will wear a tutu and snorkel" and then hoping to catch some haters off guard, post everywhere that "November 23rd, 2012, is the day we show our support by not publicly eating our own intestines." Any hater who manages to avoid that demonstration has earned his right to hate.
  4. Remind them that if the LGBT's go away, they'll take their girl on girl porn with them.

And once again I have made this country a better place through the judicious use of bunny. As usual.


Jay said...

I don't want to live in a world without girl on girl porn.

Maundering mutterer said...

Great chant that: ever so snappy. Haters ought to remember it easily since they believe (an dpresumably remember) everything they're told anyway. 'Unk unk unk!' Might be easier, but its not very intellectual is it?
Had a sour apple over here writing to the press to complain about the gay festival. He expressed the thought that although gay guys are just AWFUL and shocking, immoral etc, gay girls are ok since they only do it to amuse men anyway. Snigger.

Lady Tragic said...

I'm a pansexual and I approve of this message, so does my husband AND my girlfriend ♥

Really Grant, awesome :-D

metalmom said...

That was a great post.

It made me happy enough to make out with Tragic!

Captain Dumbass said...

I'm with Jay.

Ricardo said...

And we simply can't afford to lose girl on girl action. It's essential for my well being.

Avitable said...

And here I thought you were a fighter, not a lover.

Grant said...

Jay - what sane person would?

Maundering mutterer - yes, we men wisely understand that everything you cute girlies do is for our benefit.

Lady Tragic - does a pan sexual mean you have sex with bread?

metalmom - post pics of that.

Captain Dumbass - he does make a good point.

Ricardo - more doctors should prescribe it.

Avitable - I'm more of an anal rapist, so I'm working both angles.