Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Not at all Random Tuesday Thoughts

So, the Deathstar Healthcare and Anal Rape Billing monstrosity is now threatening to turn my account over to collections if I don't pay them the remainder of my medical bills RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW, despite the facts that:
a) I've called them several times to arrange payments, but they have an impenetrable bureaucracy (their only contact info is a phone number which leaves you on hold for five minutes, then announces they're too busy to talk to you but you can leave a number and they'll call you back, which I did but they didn't)
2) I've been making monthly payments around $300/month in an attempt to finally get them out of my life
iii) at the going rate I'll have them paid off by the end of the year
四) they're still sending me new bills
All of you telling me about how hospitals have no choice but to silently sit there and take it as long as you're paying them a pittance every month need to have your meds adjusted, or you're living in some hippie commie socialist atheist place that does ungodly stuff like aborting pregnancies, providing healthcare for all, and perpetuating shows like Degrassi.

I'm processing the paperwork to withdraw all of my 401k funds to help squeak by the rest of the year. My 401k plan consists of my employer taking a deduction from my pay without my permission or knowledge (seriously, I had to research the issue when I noticed my pay mysteriously dropped - this happens periodically) which goes to a company that apparently invests in reliable business ventures like lottery tickets and dehydrated water, which then sells my account to another company that announces my money will be untouchable for four months while they handle the transition, who then loses more money on the stock market and tells me that if I want to borrow any of my remaining funds I have to pay them $50. Fortunately, I found a loophole hidden deep in their documentation that allows me to withdraw my funds without paying them if I have one of the hardships on their list. #1 was UNPAID MEDICAL BILLS, so I didn't have to read any further.

Now I just have to make a copy of any of my bills (each one exceeds the remaining funds in my 401k) and send it to them. When you work for one of the largest tech companies in the known universe, this is (of course) a problem. Twice a day I make the rounds on my floor looking for a copier that is both functioning and not currently printing the collected works of Stephen King. I'm now starting week two of my hunt with no success.

BTW, I think I've figured out the 401k process for you ordinary regular jackoffs who don't understand the American banking system. Once a week, your (along with several others') money is withdrawn from the bank and placed on the floor of the executive conference room. A dyslexic hamster (his name is Bort) on crack is loosed in the room while all the executives try to shoot it with a tranquilizer gun. If Bort piddles on your money before they take him down, they add a dollar to your pile and put it back in the vault. If not, they spend the money on martinis and golf and send you a ten kilo catalog explaining how market downturns have affected your account, how much money you would have made if you lived in another country and were smart enough not to do business with them, and how the cost for printing the catalog went way over budget.
/end educational portion

Babel: a quick movie review.
Movie = Very Good.
Best part = naked bunny.
Worst part = have to be in the mood for a long film with no 'splosions.
Take that, Roger Ebert.

I recently added a hidden hit counter so I could look at the weird things that bring people to my blog, and I discovered the overwhelming majority (>75%) of keywords leading people here involved things like "pictures of Catherine Bell." So, to increase traffic further let me just state you will find no PICTURES or IMAGES of CATHERINE BELL on my site. I did once post a pic of her when (in my pre-bunny days) I listed the top five actresses I'd like to do, but it's now long gone.

And here is a repost of goth bunny Shoko Hamada:

Bunny!

17 comments:

Jay said...

Apparently you went to a mafia owned hospital.

When I got laid off they didn't want to give me my 401k money back. They were like, but don't you want to continue to add to it through payroll deductions and employer matching program. I reminded then that I no longer worked there, but they couldn't seem to grasp the concept.

Nice movie review. You talked me into watching it.

I think I like Shoko.

Robin said...

That is a fucked situation, I'm sorry. I hope it gets better and they actually help you. Shocking to image a health company helping but you know, we can all dream.

tiff said...

Wait - 401K are supposed to be voluntary, right? Or am I not checking my pay stubs carefully enough???

YIKES!

Tracy Lynn said...

Black underwear and stockings, or even a cross on our neck, do not make you goth.

dr.alistair said...

we are in a decidedly kafkaesque world when it comes to "our" money.

i will not discuss my strategies on public forums, but i wil tell you that i refuse to give "them" anything but the smallest amount of my hard-earned money...and most of that via consumer taxes.

and your situation does nothing to disuade me from my approach.


check out marc stevens on youtube or go to www.adventuresinlegalland.com

i believe you may be approaching a point where you can accept some of his positions.

Hit 40 said...

I agree with Jay!! WTF is with this hospital. You are paying them!!

I am very sorry. Being sick and having to deal with medical bills is freaking criminal. Been there and done that. IT SUCKS!!!

Ricardo said...

Haven't we seen this young lady before? I'm not complaining.

I too am getting harassing calls over bills that I am trying to pay but had to empty out my 401k long ago.

Who gave you the false illusion that they (the hospitals) will allow small, affordable payments? They need more than their meds adjusted.

Yes,the 401k allows for medical stuff and I believe recovery from natural disasters.

I liked Degrassi but I was young and foolish.

Captain Dumbass said...

Catherine Bell could eat Shoko, and I didn't even mean that in a dirty way but could you imagine if it were possible?

Sorry, cold medication.

No, I'm not sorry at all. Can you imagine that?

Grant said...

Jay - when I quit my previous job, they didn't want to give back my 401k money either. They held onto it until they lost so much that their standard procedures said they had to give the remainder back. Fuckers.

Robin - I'm doing better now that I've escaped their clutches. And I know never to return there.

tiff - it depends on your employer. Most ask first or at least give you a one-time chance to opt out. My employer will do things like change your health / dental insurance mid-year without warning so you have to satisfy another deductible or may arrive for an appointment only to realize your doctor won't take your new insurance.

Tracy Lynn - what if I tell you she secretly cuts herself and listens to whiny bands that sing about how nobody understands them?

dr.alistair - I welcome the chance to get my money back from the corporations and to pay taxes on it. In my case, the government has been more reliable than the 401kers.

Hit 40 - one more payment and they'll be out of my life forever.

Ricardo - several people in the bloggysphere have the belief that hospitals have to be nice to sick people. They've probably never run afoul of the system before. And, yes, I got lazy and just reposted a former bunny pic.

Captain Dumbass - I'm imagining it in a dirty way. Mmmm, Bell on bunny action.

Ricardo said...

I have run afoul also and was reported to a collection agency. It was fun!

R said...

I just doesn't get any better than that.

The picture, that is.

Sheen V said...

Such a nice tummy! And I love those stockings.

Grant said...

Ricardo - one more payment and they're out of my life. Hopefully they'll hold off the collections agency for another month.

R - I agree, except for Ebi-chan, Sora Aoi, Ami Tokita, and Sayuki Matsumoto. Also possibly Jun Kiyomi.

Sheen - and the black cross. I hope she worships the devil and owns her own liquor store. Then she'll be the ultimate bunny.

April said...

I'm sorry the hospital people are a bunch of fuck wads!

That bunny? She looks good from the belly down. From the tits up she looks 13. Just sayin'.

Avitable said...

I think this is the first hot bunny you've posted yet.

Grant said...

April - I think the problem is that you view the typical growth / development / early death of our obese Southern women as normal instead of using the perfection of bunny as your base of normality. You probably turned bitter when you hit your 40's.

Avitable - I'm glad you are immune to the allure of bunny so I don't have to compete with someone as sexy as you for their attention.

Monogram Queen said...

Okay i've gotta say it - her stockings are tres' tacky!