Friday, August 07, 2009

Help Wanted

For hire – one Rent-A-Friend. Must be able to sit at a dinner table with me and appear to like me whenever the wait staff is in range. Conversation not necessary. Can bring along one friend. Hot Asian women a plus, and the one friend limit will be lifted. To be paid in food. Salary commensurate with bunny-ness.

Example of hot Asian woman:


That’s right – I have rent-a-friends (RAFs). Those are people I pay in the form of food to hang out with me when I feel awkward being alone. It started when I took some coworkers to lunch and they tipped so poorly that I had to pony-up for their portion to avoid being embarrassed, and over time it evolved to where I pay for lunch completely in exchange for their presence. If you know me in real life and I’ve never mentioned the RAF concept, you probably are one.

Actually, it’s more accurate to say I had RAFs. I wanted to eat lunch at the Red Snapper, a favorite place of mine, but I feel strange sitting in an upscale restaurant by myself. So, I e-mailed every RAF who hasn’t fled the country or died to spite me, and I received: 0 replies. Apparently the taint of death is upon me and so now my offer to buy them a nice lunch isn’t enough compensation to endure my presence for less than an hour. I think I’ll post my ad in the local Japanese newspaper. Anyone who knows anybody in the Atlanta area who is so desperate for free food that they’re willing to sit across a table from me, please leave a comment. Asian bunny a plus.

Example of Asian bunny:



Hit 40 said...

Gosh I wish Atlanta was not so far! I think you would fire me after one evening. I can be kinda chatty. And... folks laugh so hard pop comes out their nose. I might even have to bring supersperm with me. Not a good idea to leave him home alone. You better just go without me.

Jay said...

Well I would go, but I don't have a lot of social skills. At some point during the lunch I will blurt out something that will leave the entire room sitting and staring at their plates in awkward silence. Then the waitress will give you that condescending "I'm sorry you have to put up with this douchenozzle look."

But, if you get a few bunnies to agree, then I'm there!

Captain Dumbass said...

Are they going to dress like that for lunch?

Whitemist said...

I refuse to eat alone at almost any restaurant and many of my friends are poor tippers even when the service is super. I will cajole, threaten and beg (I have no shame)people to go to a restaurant with me and it does work. Tho I do not always have to pay for the meal, I always leave a tip, particularly if it is a hot waitress. I have one friend tho who is infatuated by a pancake house waitress and there is a limit to the number of times I will go to IHOP.

SJ said...

Why rent when you can lease? You'll have the LAF around for a few years with very tough conditions agianst bailing out. Plus on the long term it will be cheaper. If you really want to get serious about this friend investment buy one. Preferably with a beach view.

Avitable said...

If I lived nearby, I'd be up for going out to dinner, even with the reversefatoectomy, and I'd pay. I hate splitting checks - always seems like a pain in the ass.

Nobius said...

Thanks for the Birthday wish by the way.

I'd say you could rent me but I'm way too much hot for you. :)

If you get a minute check out our new book:

Perhaps we can publish one of yours down the road.

Anonymous said...

I would hang with you for free, in fact--I might even pay YOU! I get terribly lonely here all day with just Elijah, all he wants to talk about is poop and noodles, I do enough of that already!

King of New York Hacks said...

Will they dress like that....always??

Anonymous said...

i am loving this blog! as someone who needs a daily asian fix, this is comfort food for me. great work!

Grant said...

Hit 40 - I think I will give in and go alone. The food is too awesome to resist.

Jay - I have all the social skills of a serial killer. And if I snare any bunnies, I'm not sharing.

Captain Dumbass - they get an extra dessert if they do.

Whitemist - I think I've already reached my lifetime maximum number of times I want to visit IHOP.

SJ - no long-term contracts in case I want to switch up.

Avitable - can you actually eat enough now to justify going to an American restaurant?

Nobius - since my illness, I've been unable to write. Hopefully I'll recover that part of me some day.

Samtagious! - poop and noodles pretty much sums up my life these days.

King of New York Hacks - it's summer, so I'm hoping they'll dress down a bit.

the eternal list - I'm trying to encourage more bloggers to post pics of hot Asian women. You can never have enough of that sort of thing.

Ricardo said...

I eat out often by myself. Actually more when I was working. But I find it relaxing and got blog fodder out of some visits based on what I saw.

Anonymous said...

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