Friday, April 10, 2009

Your call is important to us

For those of you pretending to be concerned who want my phone number to contact me in case I drop out of sight again, it is 14678. That's all the numbers, including the area code. They're not in order and some are used more than once, but if you can't figure it out then I don't really want to talk to you anyway, you moron. When calling me, please observe the following guidelines.

  1. Never, ever, ever, under any circumstance should you call me.

  2. In the event of an emergency, please see rule #1.

  3. If you must violate these rules, please leave a message. I won't be angry because I won't know (I delete all messages without checking).

My phone stays off at all times unless I am making a call, usually to order a pizza. When I turn it on, the first thing I do is delete all messages unheard because my inbox fills daily with v-mail spam. If you need to call or leave a voicemail message, the best way is to e-mail me and propose a time for me to intercept your call. I will promptly respond by calling you names and telling you to just stick with e-mail.

If you really care about me, you will either give me a laptop with a built in sattelite phone for the Internet connection, or you will send me a Japanese nurse to help care for my wounds.

Nurse Bunny!

10 comments:

Sam said...

Ahh you're back to yourself again ♥ I don't answer the phone either, even though I have caller ID and I can see exactly who is calling me -- I take that as a message to IM them and then after they're done calling me I usually get them on facebook or messenger.

I like Skype though, I hate answering my phone but I don't mind answering my headset because unlike pitiful wretches I know in the meat world -- I actually really like the people I know online.

Monogram Queen said...

Grant, good to see the old Grant shining through! You have been on my mind friend.

For the record I despise the phone.

Jay said...

I suddenly feel like I need a personal nurse.

Captain Dumbass said...

Better, much better.

Ricardo said...

But I had a Japanese biker chick that wanted to call you.

Matt said...

We should all chip in for a hooker to help you get the poison out. Hey! You should totally put up a paypal donation button to help import Asian hookers!

Sridhar said...

If I find a nurse like that I'll send her your way... yeah right!

Grant said...

sam - not quite myself, but on the mend (again).

mq - yes, phones are evil. And not the good kind of evil either.

jay - Asian bunnies tend to have that effect.

cda - every hospital should have a supply of bunny nurses.

ricardo - tell her to apply in person.

matt - how much does it cost to buy a bride from Thailand?

sridhar - I'll be patiently waiting for your gift.

SSC~ The Domestic Diva said...

Grant are you sick again? OMG are you okay? Can I promise you a care package again and not send it, I am good at that. This time I promise to get on it. See the last time international laws prohibited me from jamming a Japanese woman and bonding her for you. Sorry I will think of alternative methods.

BTW I sent you an invite via email for my other blog and well you haven't accepted so this blog post about emailing means crap. What do you delete all your emails as well as your vm messages?

BITCH PLEASE!

Kerry said...

I'm glad you're back to blogging!!! :)