Friday, October 17, 2008

Management Styles #1

The university textbooks mention many styles of management, such as laissez–faire or management by walking around (I’m not making those up), but in my work experience I have discovered a few they missed. I’m breaking these into individual posts since I don’t seem to have a lot to say these days other than Japanese women are hot.

Management by Shouting:

Here at the feckIn’ Biggest coMputer company in the world, the name of which I will not dare reveal on the advice of my blog’s legal department, I had the opportunity to observe this form of motivation. My boss’s boss came to us, asked for a report as quickly as possible, and mentioned his boss had just spent thirty minutes yelling at him for the data. I assumed it was an exaggeration, as when he later politely checked our progress and said his boss had spent another thirty minutes shouting at him. Then we had to call an accountant for information who just happened to be in my boss’s boss’s office while my boss’s boss’s boss was on another speakerphone with him. I had to concentrate on the information the accountant was giving us, but the background noise sounded like:

“I WANT TO KNOW WHERE MY REPORT IS! I NEED THAT DATA NOW! I’M SICK OF CALLING FOR IT! WHEN I SAY I WANT SOMETHING, I NEED IT IMMEDIATELY! WHY AM I STILL WAITING FOR THE REPORT!” etc. ad nauseum in nomine Satanas Luciferi exelsi

It’s no exaggeration to say I was on the phone for a full five minutes and the shouting only abated when he needed a quick breath. His questions weren’t questions, at least not in the sense that he expected an answer. That’s when I realized how happy I was to no longer be in management, especially middle management. You have to take all the crap that rolls downhill from up on high while at the same time you can’t dump on the lowly employees because, frankly, we’re not paid enough to put up with that. Power, money and prestige are just traps that erode the soul rather than grant happiness. True happiness can only come from within, by which I mean anal sex with a Japanese schoolgirl while listening to death metal in the name of Satan. Obviously.

In closing – Japanese women are hot.

13 comments:

SJ said...

I think you and my brother work for the same company in different locations.

I agree with you completely on your happiness formula but I am not so picky about the music.

Joe said...

You had me at Japanese women, Grant...

I've never understood the yelling thing. Our CEO is infamous for that as well. It takes about 30 seconds to realize that the problem is her, not you, and then all I do is tune out until she shuts up.

jGrrl said...

Between the post and the photo - I'm angrily hot and very confused. I am really glad that I never had a conventional job - I got paid to get drunk and beat the shit out of coworkers while wearing heels and tight skirts ;-) and that model..... wow...

Tracy Lynn said...

Dude, all your stories end the same way. Hot Japanese Girls.

Kerry said...

Lovely closing. I was wondering if you'd gotten off the Japanese women kick... but the "In closing" cleared that up for me.

PBS said...

Some families use that management style, also.

Good illustration of your life motto, "Japanese women are hot"

NYD said...

I checked out the band. I think I'll pass.
I am a boss and I have only yelled at my employees once, once in ten years of business. Probably because they are Japanese women and totally hot!

People who yell are obviosly not getting enough nookie from the fortune cookie clam shell.

Monogram Queen said...

Oh man, I couldn't deal with that. Postal - helloooo-oooo!!!!

Grant said...

sj - we actually do have more than 90,000 employees in your country, so it's entirely possible. I'll flex on the music, as long as it's not country.

joe - I've noticed a lot of the yellers don't get discouraged by the fact that they're usually wrong.

jgrrl - a better picture of her is here.

tracy - it's how my life goes - all roads lead to bunny.

kerry - I do my best to stay on Japanese women as much as possible.

pbs - unfortunately families don't include a paycheck, so I don't recommend them.

nyd - good that you pass on the band - I already called dibs.

mq - it's part of why I'm no longer in management.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

My old boss (not at this current job I have now) was the ONLY boss I ended up yelling back at. He was SUCH a dickweed.....I am SO glad I don't work there anymore....but man, when I let loose and yelled back, it sure felt good!!! ;)

Probably not as good as anal sex with a Japanese schoolgirl while listening to death metal in the name of Satan...but still...good. :)

tiff said...

But why anal? Wouldn't ANY sex witha J-bun be enough for someone in your position?

Hmmm??

Work UP to the anal - nirvana wasn't built in a day.

Grant said...

pq - there's only one way to find out which is better. Get on it.

tiff - I'm just acknowldging anal as the brass ring of sex these days. I also forgot to mention that I'd be eating Jif extra chunky peanut butter at the time.

GreenJello said...

"ad nauseum in nomine Satanas Luciferi exelsi"

That totally made my day.