Monday, July 07, 2008

Everybody Needs Somebody Sometime

Note – beginning hatred of humanity: 98.7% (normal)

In my case it took a couple of decades, but sometimes I’m a slow starter. After being self-sufficient for so long, I got sick with an infection that wouldn’t go away on its own and found myself at the mercy of the American medical system and my own frailty. Even after escaping the hospital I was too weak to return for my scheduled treatments, so my friend Movie Buddy had to drive about two hours round-trip each day for the following week to help me up and down the four steps in front of my apartment and to drive me to the hospital for replacement IV’s. He even paid for all the parking and went grocery shopping for me so I would have popcorn and diet sodas a-plenty (I was told to watch my blood sugar).

Not to be outdone, my friend Kira took time from her schedule and did a one-day visit, dragging her children all the way from South Carolina, just to help take care of me. I’m sure she got nothing but fatigue from the driving and shopping and cooking, but she did it to make sure I had plenty of good food and wouldn’t starve while convalescing. If there was a flaw to her plan it was that the food was so good that it restored my appetite so now I am eating more, restoring my lost weight which I really don’t want back, and I now have to make even more trips to the bathroom which are painful due to the antibiotics they are pumping into my system 24/7.

I always dreaded having to rely on other people for help, mostly because I had nobody in that role. The last time I needed help was when I broke my ankle in 1993. The VA hospital gave me an ace bandage and loaned me crutches for a week, and my roommate didn’t do anything to help me. It wasn’t that he was a jerk, he was just a guy and didn’t think to offer, not even when he saw me trying to manage crutches and a dinner plate by putting the plate on the floor, hobbling a step towards the table, then stooping and sliding the plate closer to home. This time I had friends who were not only willing to help but even seemed happy to do so.

Hatred of humanity: 92.7% (dangerously low).

My cynicism was buried under a mound of warm fuzzies. Fortunately I had nothing better to do after my hospital visit than go home and subject myself to daytime TV. The execrable TV shows didn’t help, but I give thanks to a couple of commercials for attempting to restore my old self. First was the BOGO commercial, the Buy One Get One thing for ladies shoes. The actual deal is Buy One Get One Half Off, but I guess most women don’t want to be referred to as BOGOHO’s. Just to make sure, try it on all the women in your life today and let me know how it goes in the comments section.

Even better, I saw one of the ubiquitous commercials for (I assume) an upcoming show called the Sons of Anarchy. It’s about a bunch of bikers who all dress and look and act alike, which is to say like a bunch of sissy Hollywood actors with leather fetishes. I don’t object to the show so much as the lack of honest advertising. If they only called themselves Conformity Wussies then my complaints would dry up.

Current hatred of humanity: 97.3% (low, but within tolerance).


Gib said...

Not that I question your math, but the characters who make up your typical daytime TV lineup are generally less human than your average bipedal occupant of planet Earth, so hating them wouldn't necessarily bump up a "hatred of humanity" quotient all that much.

If you wanted, I suppose you could hate them a lot more than the typical human to offset the balance.

~Deb said...

What about the commercials that advertise the foot pads to take away dangerous toxins from your body? They figured out it was only vinegar.

What an ordeal you went through. Luckily you didn't have any false Gods to rely on and unfortunately didn't have any atomic chickens to entertain yourself with, but you did get some good grub that stuck to your ribs! :) The very frail and thin J-gals like their men with meat on their bones yanno!

Just sayin'...

Kerry said...

Sounds like you're feeling better! HA!

Joe said...

Glad to hear that you're feeling somewhat better...and that your friends were there to help you through.

That said, I'd imagine that a buy one, get one ho sale woud go over well in a men's store.

Monogram Queen said...

How wonderful your friends stepped up to the plate! I wish I lived closer, I honestly would have tried to help. I swear! Six hours one way is just a wee bit too much.
I hope you are on the mend Grant. The infection thing is s-c-a-r-y.

metalmom said...

I'm so happy you had such wonderful friends.

I had every intention of helping you with that infection thing, but when you said that the only way to get rid of it was to suck it out through your penis I got skeptical.

Grant said...

gib - I don't consider them as real people, they just help me maintain a healthy hate for the regular world. Especially that Sons of Anarchy commercial. I think I'll submit a fan script in which all the characters get killed.

~deb - so, you can just wear sandwich baggies on your feet filled with vinegar for the same effect? I do that already.

kerry - yes, I am. HA!

joe - if they ever run that promotion, I'm hanging out in the geta section of the store.

mq - maybe you could just mail me some BBQ.

mm - that treatment technique generally applies to Asian women. For caucasians, I will accept anal.

Tracy Lynn said...

If you really want to restore your hatred levels, you need to watch Maury. Just sayin'.

SSC~ The Domestic Diva said...

OMG I hope you feel better. My care package is on the way.

Grant said...

tracy - you don't think Jerry is more insipid?

ssc - thank you, and I love the new profile pic.