Friday, May 23, 2008

Superhero movies, part the first

Yesterday I added a contest just before posting my opinion, but I didn’t lay any ground rules. That’s okay because nobody won. So for today, leave a comment saying which movie you think I’ll post next time as my 2nd least favorite superhero movie and if you guess right you’ll win a prize. Contest rules – One entry per person unless you are sleeping with me. Void where prohibited. Odds of winning – not too shabby. Asian hotties automatically win.

So, without further adieu…worst – superhero – film – ever:

Sucks!


Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer
The Good: the laws of this country do not make it required viewing.
The Bad: those scenes that fell between the opening and closing credits.
The Ugly: the Thing suit, which looks convincingly like a wad of orange rubber.
Review: After years of making competent to great superhero movies, Hollywood relaxed and dumped a steaming pile of f/x on America’s theatres. This movie should be ashamed to show its face in public. No, wait – that’s my opinion of the far superior prequel. This movie should wish it were good enough to be the movie that should be ashamed to show itself in public. Contains Jessica Alba, an overrated and completely bland beauty. Geeking her up with glasses did nothing for me. I cheered when she got killed, but the joy was fleeting as I knew they wouldn’t have the guts to leave her dead.
Suck factor: this movie can peel the chrome from a trailer hitch at thirty paces.
Overall rating: half a donkey testicle. I’d give it a zero, but at least it had moving colors and noise. If you have an iPod and a lava lamp you can replicate the experience at will.

6 comments:

Tracy Lynn said...

Never saw it.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I saw it...and was VERY glad it was a rental instead of one I'd gone and seen in a theater.

As for #2? I'm taking a complete stab in the dark here and going with "Daredevil"?

Avitable said...

I actually liked it better than the first FF movie, mainly for the scenes with the Surfer. Those were incredibly cool, and as much as Jessica Alba and the guy playing Reed suck, the Torch and Thing characters are very well done.

I'll guess that your second least favorite is Batman Returns.

Gib said...

The FF sequel is Batman Friggin' Begins compared to the steaming pile of yak waste better known as Elektra.

グラント said...

tracy - that's 90 minutes of your life you can better spend elsewhere.

pq - I actually thought that one was okay. Not great, but middle of the road.

avi - beyond his ability to be shiny, I wasn't impressed. Basically I hated the entire film.

gib - I missed Elektra, if "missed" is the right term.

Monogram Queen said...

You are the greatest movie reviewer eve. Seriously. You pull NO punches!