Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Columbine

I’ve noticed a lot of blog entries concerning Columbine, and I had planned to avoid the issue altogether, but then I realized you people could (as always) benefit from my wisdom and experience and psychopathic demeanor. I’ll try to be brief, but I’ll probably fail as usual. Suck it up, wusses.

Contrary to the ideas espoused in Grosse Pointe Blank, the Army does not give you a psych profile when you enlist. If they did and I bothered to answer it accurately (I instinctively know how to beat those things – be consistent, cover my worse traits but don’t try to act like the second coming) they would have learned that I had no moral compunctions towards murder, as long as I didn’t like the person, and even if I did I could justify it by reminding myself that after they’re dead, they wouldn’t be around to realize that they’re no longer here. It’s probably a good thing that the CIA never discovered me. I can be best summed by Martin Blank’s words, “I'm not married, I don't have any kids, and I'd blow your head off if someone paid me enough”. What keeps me in check is the realization that the brief pleasure of killing isn’t worth a lifetime in prison.

In seventh grade, my best friend told me his uncle had brought home some mortar rounds from the war. He said that if you removed some metal clip surrounding the shell, you could detonate one by hurling it to the ground (note – I have no clue if this is true, but I believed it at the time). I don’t remember which one of us suggesting sneaking them into school and committing a couple of suicides / mass murders by slamming them to the cafeteria floor, but I liked the idea and was completely gung ho to proceed. We talked at length about the way to do it and concurred that we should set off our rounds at the same time while each of us stood next to one of the tables populated by the popular assholes. We differed on what to scream while exploding – he wanted to stick with “Aaiieee!” while I liked the timeless “Mother Fuckers!” – but, darnit, this is America and if we can’t tolerate a little diversity then we’re not the nation we think we are, the blinding beacon of light who gave the world Cow Chip Tossing and From Justin to Kelly.

I wasn’t particularly suicidal at that time, but the idea of dying while killing my enemies AND getting the world’s attention (at least, for a little while) had a strong romantic appeal. Sure, many people would die, including me. Sure, others would be physically and emotionally scarred for life. Sure, my family would be left behind to clean up the mess and provide answers. It looked like a win – win – win scenario to me. My friend and I agreed that the worst thing that could happen, far worse than our deaths and the deaths of our un-loved ones, would be if the shells failed to detonate. I didn’t fear death. Embarrassment, on the other hand, was mortifying. At that age and time, I didn’t fully grasp what would happen if I tried and failed to blow up the popular rich kids in the room, so I thought the awkwardness of having to retrieve my dud and retake my seat while enduring the laughter of my peers would be the end of matters.

Anyway, primed and ready to commit crimes against humanity, I asked my friend when he could secure the explosives only to learn he had been kidding all along. The shells existed, but he had no plans to go out in a blaze of infamous glory. He was surprised to learn that I had been serious all along, but it didn’t really bother him. He accepted my nature, which is probably why we remained friends for so long. I was even the best man at his wedding. Yes, our kind procreates too.

Years later, when I heard of the tragedy in Columbine and how it appeared the killers targeted the best and brightest the school had to offer, I’ll admit my first thought was “Faster, pussycat, kill, kill”. A small part of me felt regret at the missed opportunity and the fact that the news reporters couldn’t say the Columbine massacre was “the worst such incident since those two crazy mother fuckers blew up the cafeteria in Franklin, Tennessee.” Of course, if I had blasted the school, I would no longer be around to hear that newscast, so there’s that.

Now I’m a happy and productive member of society, the type of guy who looks like everybody else in the workplace despite the fact that I still desire all your deaths. Look around you. Can you honestly say none of your coworkers / fellow students is a potential psychopath? Are you sure? Can you be certain that I’m not sneaking up behind you as you read OMFG LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU heh heh heh.

There might be a point here somewhere, but I’m not seeing it.

36 comments:

JohnB said...

We tried something similiar with collected gunpowder from about twenty .380 rounds packed into a nose cone of a model rocket fired horizontally from a large pvc pipe...suffice to say we ran before the rocket's searing path could find its way to the "targets"...I know, kinda lame.

Doug Murata said...

I'm afraid that I'm more likely to be a target (target? No, more like innocent bystander stupidly standing around the mayhem wondering what to do) of such an attack. As I understand it, the Columbine kids went after the "popular assholes" and not just the "popular kids." I was popular, but just among my buddies. We had a fairly large group and most people didn't bother us about anything. I developed a small degree of celebrity when I ran on the track team (I was better at cross country, but nobody cares about cross country,) but I didn't step on any toes (most people at my high school wouldn't be threatened by a little white kid who could run two miles in about 10 minutes.) To my knowledge, I've never faced off against anybody who would wish me harm. (I've heard that there were people who didn't like me, but, oddly, I don't have any names.) There were, of course, popular assholes, but I just ignored them or laughed at them. I knew where I stood compared to them and I was content knowing that I was smarter. :D

Joe said...

I work in HR Grant. We have to view everyone as a potential psychopath - though truth be told we're probably better at creating them than detecting them.

PBS said...

I think we've all psychopaths in our own way. Sometimes when driving my car I see people walking or on a bike and have...this urge...to...hit them.

Tai said...

Interestingly, dying of embarrassment is much more common than via a mortar blast.

Kira said...

Just so you all know, that's why he didn't kill me and the kids. He had it all planned out when we were in the apartment visiting a few weeks back, but then he fretted that it wouldn't work and I'd be staring at his homemade bomb sitting there doing nothing, blinking, then laughing my ass off as I screamed, "YOU MISSED!" Then, of course, the kids would laugh too. That's the only reason.

Of course, he still put us in the closet and replaced us with robots. He just gave me a laptop with wireless so I could fake being around online and nobody would notice my absence...oh damnit, here he comes...I'd better....AAAHHH!

Death Warmed Over said...

Our plan was to tape a bunch of M80s together and lob them like a grenade at those high school terrorists ie the popular kids. And for the record, nothing beats Aaaeeiiiee! as you go to your death.

fatty ~ said...

you scare me. always have done. poor kira...

Angie said...

I prefer the phrase "Die, Mother Fuuuuuuckers!!" but that's just me.

~Deb said...

Office shootings scare me. This just reminded me of it. Some wacky co-worker gets pissed off 'cause he got fired and decides to blow everyone's heads off.

It happens too frequently.

hellbunny said...

While reading your post i was thinking that these revelations about yourself should scare me.But instead i found them interesting.It's very true to say that we don't really know anybody.

Tony said...

You need to spin the mortar to arm it. When it's fired the rifling of the tube gives it it's spin. Of course I'm sure you know that by now.

patti_cake said...

I always tried to be nice to everyone in school and encouraged my peers to do the same. Unfortunately it's sad the way the
"popular" kids sometimes treat other kids. I'm not saying all, just some.

Leesa said...

grant, were I you, I would have given this type of story to your writer's group. Claim it as fiction, but have a nervous twitch in your eye. Then, see if those mother-feckers criticize your writing. Just saying.

messiah said...

if you're gonna die, die with your boots on....

great movie - grosse pointe blank. i think my favourite part is when the convenience store blows up.

good thing you didn't have access to plastique.

Grant said...

johnb - sounds pretty inventive to me, as long as you take the right people out.

doug - I don't know if popular among your friends really counts as popular. Of course your friends liked you - that's their job. My few friends liked me as well, although I was definitely unpopular, which suits me fine. The popular ones were generally the ones who cared about that sort of shallow thing and actively pursued it. THEY SHOULD DIE! :p

joe - can't you currently proudly claim to be unemployed rather than admit to being in HR? :p

pbs - by definition, what makes a person a psychopath (technically, Antisocial Personality Disorder) includes a lack of control, so we're both normal.

tai - yeah, I think I'd rather face combat than fatal embarrassment any day.

kira - it rubs the lotion in its skin or else it gets the hose again.

death - I'm still leaning towards screaming MF. Maybe it's a regional thing.

fatty - that's what I like to see - respect. =)

angie - I always feared I'd get it mixed up in the heat of the moment. "Allright, you mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"

~deb - I don't think it happens often enough. More shootings would make management think twice about their decisions.

hellbunny - apparently you are as insane and evil as me. We should make t-shirts for our new club.

tony - actually, I was in the mechanized infantry, so I never learned mortars. But I did learn plastic explosives.

patti_cake - then we're agreed, mean people deserve to die. >=)

leesa - they probably wouldn't have read enough of the words to grasp the full intent. "Rule # 3,278 - never write about Junior High."

messiah - actually, I did when in the Army, although that was years later. A claymore mine would have come in very handy at a time like that.

Liz said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Liz said...

Decided I better not leave that comment up after all. But I figure you get them mailed to you, so you could read it anyway.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I know that some of this is a reaction to my post or am I just another narcisstic psychopath? You and my husband would get along: yesterday he said that if anyone fecks with you, you have the right to kill them. I don't remember if he wanted to bomb his school; I think he actually liked school, but anyone who fecked with him got their ass beat, either by him, his eldest brother or even his mother (I kid you not--she would go driving around, trying to find the little cretins). And everyone thinks he's such a nice guy. But I know the truth and so does everyone on the web.

Doug Murata said...

... Oh yeah. Yeah, OK, I wasn't popular, but I'd still probably be the one who unwittingly got in the way by means of sheer stupidity.

SJ said...

EOR, you a psycopath? Please!!! A fly wouldn't harm you.

Grant, If I ever visit the USA again lets go hunting together. The prey would be humans of your choice.

Enemy of the Republic said...

No, SJ, I'm not a psychopath, but I am selfish and bitchy. I guess that makes me a female American, right Grant?

United We Lay said...

The army doesn't give you a psych eval because they can't afford to not take any sucker who walks in the door right now. And now, with Isreal about to blow the middle east into oblivion, I'd be willing to bet that the recruiting age will go beyond 16 (w/ parent's permission) to 42 (with better judgement on hold).

Tony said...

Yeah, I was mech infantry too. I started out as 11C but changed to 11B several months after I got to Ft. Stewart.

patti_cake said...

Okay this would be me, I admit it!
"Allright, you mother stickers, this is a fuck up!" .... that was a GREAT one Grant!

Grant said...

liz - if the money is right, your deleted comment will not be in my next post. :p

enemy - check the DSM - narcissism is a totally different personality disorder than antisocial (at least in the DSM III-R they preached as the bible when I was in college). Quit being histrionic. :p

doug - your running speed must have saved you from the shrapnel.

sj - Nihon no usagi are great prey - cute and swift, so there's a bit of a challenge.

enemy - fecking uptight American woman - I don't think. =)

united - besides, they'd be doing themselves a disservice to pass on psychos.

tony - I thought 11B were the ground pounders. At least when I was in they had a newly created designation for mech - 11M.

Tony said...

"Newly created" being the key term. I went in back in '82. Way back then Light Infantry were the ground pounders since they had to walk everywhere and the M113 was the cadillac of choice. Bradley's were just being introduced when I came off active duty. This conversation is making me feel old. I need to go fuck something.

The Stiltwalker said...

Damn Grant. This is wild. But I can say the thought has crossed my mind about how I respond to people in the workplace cause it's never the one's you think.

rachel said...

It keeps me on the edge a bit, don't get too slack, to know that there are some crazy assed knob ends out there, with ammo too. I don't like it but stops me from dropping my game too much.

Kerry said...

Well i'm glad you werent able to follow thru with your plan while in school!!

Enemy of the Republic said...

I checked your references and as usual, I bow to your almighty wisdom as to the difference between the two disorders. Narcissism is a component of the psychopath, but narcissitic personality disorder is a different breed. I work with people like that--their medication is ass-kissing.

BBB_0202020 said...

i agree with PBS, lol

Just Some Gal said...

I do wonder about that... I also wonder about pissed clients coming back to gun us all down because we wouldn't extend more credit to them... "This is for that helmet you wouldn't sell me muthafuc..." *blam blam*...

Ugh

lol

Grant, just so you know, your clone works there too. He is the understated guy that helps us all grudgingly... ;-) I'll be nice to him a wee bit more since...

PBS said...

Fair enough. OK, then we are all potential psychopaths.

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