Take this job yadda yadda part san

Read this only after reading parts one and two, under pain of being killed to death quite a lot.

I enjoyed my afternoon off from work (I made chili), and planned to return next morning, ensuring the morning’s work had been completed so the production floor could continue without interruption, then I would see what the plant manager had to say about my request for a severance package. I thought he might counter with an offer of more money (because I lacked a degree, I was paid far less than most others at my level) or a vague promise to get more cooperation from accounting and the production floor, but most likely he’d just accept my resignation and they’d either hire somebody else or reorganize again and shift my employees to another department.

I felt nervous on the final approach to my BellSouth building, wondering what was in store for me. As it turned out, I hadn’t even remotely imagined what I had set in motion.

I got my first hint when I pulled into the parking structure and saw several more security guards at the guard station. Normally only two worked the building at a time, but they had ordered more and now had six. After I parked, I approached and noticed the company training officer (manager in charge of all training) was standing in their midst. I don’t know why he was tasked for the job, but I suspect it had to do with corporate labeling. He was a large black man with a bald head, which automatically pigeonholed him as being tough with a ghetto background (even though he had to have a college degree to get his job) and could therefore handle a white man like me, psychopath or not.

The security guards looked bored; the CTO tried to appear in command, but his wide-eyed fear charged the air between us. He ordered the guards to search me for weapons, which they did even though it was obvious they had no training. They checked my briefcase for bombs and found none (as far as they could tell), then all seven surrounded me and marched me to the nearest conference room. After depositing me inside and telling me to wait, they all left me untended in a locked room next to HR and the plant manager’s office. Note – in America, security guards are rarely trained and are usually led by some corporate ninny instead of somebody with a modicum of training and / or experience. If I wanted to go postal, this was the time to start my rampage.

Instead, I waited until the plant manager eventually joined me. He looked even more frightened than the CTO, apparently very scared to be in the room with me. He timidly asked how I was feeling, so I gave him a smile (probably a bad idea since I never smile) and told him I was fine, I just wanted to discuss a possible amicable separation from BS. He calmed a little, sat, and told me I had worried them with yesterday’s eruption. I said it wasn’t an eruption. He asked why I used the word “hate” and I told him it was because “I am dissatisfied with my job” and “I am very dissatisfied with my job” wasn’t getting his attention. He tittered and informed me that I’d definitely gotten their attention now.

The PM continued questioning me, responding only with typical, pointless corporate lingo. He said I had not been one targeted for separation, that he thought my last review had been “overall positive” and that my next review likely would have been “overall positive”, then abruptly ended the interview when the HR manager entered the room. Unlike everybody else, she didn’t seem remotely worried. In fact, she was suppressing a smile the same way my least favorite accountant did when she knew she had reamed me good. That’s when the confusion melted and I fully understood what was happening.

Our HR manager was a piece of work, meaning she definitely belonged in the corporate world, safely sequestered from real humans. She had a reputation for getting drunk at management meetings and dancing on the tables. Once, she pushed another manager into the pool, then convinced the company that BS needed to pay for his ruined watch. She typically dismissed poor behavior by the employees; when told a couple of married employees were having an affair, she said “Well, that’s what happens when people work closely together.” Note – I don’t think their infidelities should have been company business at all, except they were wining and dining and staying in expensive hotels on a corporate account. In addition, she fully supported the corporate system of pigeonholing all employees based on a few superficial details. In my case, she had once noted that I was quiet and a loner (one of my managers told me she objected to my first promotion into a supervisory position for that reason), and we all know what that means. Quiet / loner = serial killer. Except that I don’t really think she believed I was dangerous. Rather, it was because quiet and loner didn’t fit with her ideal type of manager, which would have been a loudmouthed lush like herself.

At this point, most of you are probably thinking “But you ARE a psychopath, Grant. What’s the big deal? Sounds like she had you pegged.” To which I say: shut up! It doesn’t matter that I’m the psychotic cannibalistic embodiment of pure evil. THEY had no logical reason to know that. Just because I often got through my days by imagining the various managers lying dead in a ditch, watching the maggots feast on their liquefying organs, and imagining all the creative ways I could help them attain this state as the High Lord Lucifer cackled with Satanic glee and his demonic minions laughed and cavorted…

But, I digress. Point is, she never liked having a quiet, hardworking person in management, and I think she capitalized on this opportunity to be rid of me by convincing the others that I was dangerous and needed to be ousted for the benefit of BS. PM left and she began asking me the same questions he had already asked, an interrogation maneuver I had seen many times before from both sides of the law enforcement table. After she finished questioning me, he conveniently reappeared and they repeated the process (also standard interrogation techniques). Each time I reiterated that I wasn’t angry with them (although I certainly was by that point), that I bore no BS employees any ill will, that I had no current plans to eviscerate them with a spork, and that I was just unhappy with my job and wanted to discuss a possible separation from BS. The third time I mentioned that last bit, the HRM said the only concrete thing I heard during the whole hour-long process. She said “By sending that e-mail, you’ve already begun the separation process. The purpose of this meeting is to work out the details of that separation.” In other words, I was leaving one way or another. They would later decide whether or not I could have a severance package. In addition, the PM kept reiterating the fact that I said I hated my job, not that I was merely dissatisfied. As he pointed out, “You said ‘hate’, which is an indication of a strong emotion.” According to the BS policy on workplace violence, any person indicating any strong emotion was potentially violent and should be immediately terminated.

The interview concluded, although I was ordered not to return to my office or interact with anybody in the company until they decided what to do next. They asked if I would mind leaving for a couple of hours, and I reminded them that I had a dental appointment that morning (this was before I met my beloved Ninja Usagi Haisha), which relieved them to no end. They told me to go there immediately and then return to the same conference room – again, avoiding contact and conversation with any other BS employees.

This is running longer than expected, so look for part shi on Thursday.