Monday, April 24, 2006

Tea!? Feck!

I bought another box of Lipton green tea for work because I had a coupon. I don't really like Lipton as much as the J-brands I've tried and I think part of it is because they put at least twice as much tea in their bags - typical American company and their portion control problems. But that's not the worst of it.

When I got home, I saw the fine print: Naturally Decaffeinated. D00d, WTF!? The federal government has definitely failed us this time. They should pass a law requiring vendors to print a warning label on the box in big red letters that reads:

WARNING - Does not contain any fecking caffeine!
Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery after drinking as you may fall asleep.

I thought I was going to have to buy some No Doz or crack to disolve in my tea, but then I realized I no longer need caffeine. Since I broke my Mountain Dew addiction, I haven't needed stimulants to stay awake. In fact, if I have more than one cup of tea in a day, I tend to get a little jittery and uneasy and want to kill everyone in the building, as opposed to how I normally feel, which is that I want to kill everyone in the building in a calm and rational manner.


Prata said...

OMG you have no idea how fucked up I was when I discovered that fine print once. I saw this "no caffeine" warning and about shot myself. It was horrid! Walking around in a daze for hours (okay well minutes because I had to go get a flippin' soda) I don't even like american all. It's disturbing to a degree I can't even begin to relate to you. lol

patti_cake said...

That "Feck" always cracks me up!

Angie said...

I have no idea how you stay awake without caffeine. I couldn't function without my morning fix. I gotta wonder about "naturally decaffeinated"...I get the feeling that process isn't as natural as they'd like you to believe.

H.E.Eigler said...

Grant - if you're going green, you gotta use the loose leaf!

Check out

This company is located in Victoria, BC. There are many varieties and the flavor is much, much better than Lipton. Somehow "Gunpowder tea" seems to be calling you?

Tai said...

Oooh, yeah..."Gunpowder" Tea. H.E. is right, it's got your name written ALL over it!

Liz said...

Caffine makes me all jittery too. I have to do decaf evertyhing. For awhile even decaff coffee bothered me because there is still small amounts in it.

Grant said...

prata - I hate American tea, especially the Southern way - cold, with sugar and lemon. I was surprised when I took to green tea so quickly.

patti_cake - you should watch the Irish sitcom Father Ted (available on DVD) and hear the way they use it. It sounds halfway between "feck" and "fake". Father Jack is my hero - I want to age into a lecherous old sot just like him.

angie - I found I have more energy after I started eating all natural foods and cut back on my sugar intake. It's ironic, but less sugar = more energy (the long-lasting kind, not energy bursts). I agree about the so-called "naturally decaffeinated" bit. Tea with caffeine is natural. I have the same aversion to seedless watermelons.

h. e. - I'm switching to loose sencha here at home. I just don't want to have to keep crockery and perform an elaborate tea ritual in my cubicle, which is where I drink most of my tea.

tai - it sounds deliciously violent, but is it Japanese? Actually, I'm against the concept of adding anything to tea. It's a healthy, calorie-free beverage as it is, so why screw that up? I'm surprised I haven't seen a Southern version - "Big Bob's Lard-n-Cheesy Green Tea".

Grant said...

liz - you're like the caffeinated version of "The Princess and the Pea." :p

messiah said...

heh heh.... mountain dew in canada has no caffeine. they had to release it as an 'energy drink' to be able to sell the american version. it's red. it tastes like red.

i'm not sure if that's scarier than the green though!? not that the dye affected me or anything.

find a good tea shoppe and spend some time talking to someone knowledgable about tea there. dude, i live in redneckville and i've found two i frequent. (but alas, i drink mostly black or white teas. i'm working toward green though)

Anonymous said...

black chinese tea [or 'red' tea] has more caffeine then coffee.

The best is oolong, which is half-way between green and black. Oolong was used for medicinal purposes by the chinese - for concentration.

Seven said...

Calm and rational is good. You will need the patience to find the ones that are hiding in good places.

Grant said...

messiah - decaffeinated MD is an abomination. That's MD's biggest draw - between the caffeine and multiple types of sugar, it supplies you with more of a rush than any other soda short of Jolt.

fatty - I prefer sencha for the flavor since I don't really need the caffeine. If I did, I'd take No Doz and drink Jolt. Enough of that and I can merge onto the interstate without my car.

rick - why do they always try to hide in the ventilation ducts? As if I hadn't seen that move before.

Spider Girl said...

Sigh...I wish tea would give me more of a caffeine buzz...then I wouldn't resort to coffee, although I hear they have similar amounts of caffeine in reality.

Maybe its psychological. Tea relaxes me, soothes me, and makes me crook my pinky finger in a pretentious way.