Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Revolutionizing Air Travel

I’ve thought about all the problems associated with modern air travel – expensive fares, climbing fuel prices, frustrated airline employees, airlines facing bankruptcy, terrorism – and I realized the common root cause to all these problems is that they allow conscious people on the planes.

If you simply render all the travelers unconscious, it solves every problem. Unconscious terrorists? Who cares, unless they’ve trained themselves to sleep-bomb. Crowded seats? You won’t even need them anymore – just stack the people like cordwood. And all of this will reduce costs all over the airline industry. With people stacked like cargo, you can transport more on smaller planes with fewer amenities. No more need for multiple latrines (just one for the flight crew), no in-flight meals (which are about as tasty and cardboard anyway), no drink service, and no need for stewardesses (let them become waitresses on the ground). The planes only need to have a sturdy cargo area with enough heat to keep people from freezing, and they won’t need to use fast jets because the travel time will be basically invisible to the traveler.

If more people thought like me, the world would have far fewer problems. I also figured out a way to ease overpopulation and world hunger simultaneously, but I’ll give you the details on that later.

“Welcome to Air Unconscious. The porter will load you and your bags in a moment. Enjoy your nap.” phoot*

* sound of a blowgun dart


The Stiltwalker said...

phoot* LOL. I can see people just passing out like they do when they go to see Benny Hinn...

SJ said...

LOL. I guess executive class would provide pillows and sheets. Economy just props passengers against each other.

And I get this uncomfortable vision of some guy from crew takign advantage of a sleeping passenger leading to more stringent regulation and audits. Redtape would still find its way in.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I do agree that more people need to think like you. I don't know much about air travel unfortunately except that it stinks.

patti_cake said...

the stiltwalker, I was thinking more on the lines of Ernest Angley (sp?) "HEAL"! *whap*

Anonymous said...


i'm in.

Seven said...

Haha...I have an uncle that is terrified of flying. What is even funnier is that he spent a 30 year career in the Air Force (not flying planes)
When he had to relocate for the Air Force (regularly) they would literally implement your strategy by sedating him into unconciousness for the duration of the flights.
And you thought it was an original kookie Grant thought didn't you?

Tracy Lynn said...

I'd pay extra to be sedated for a flight. Gets rid of the boring, annoying part.

Grant said...

stiltwalker - they could provide pillows for the 1st class passengers to land on (coach flyers are hitting pavement, though).

sj - we'll implement a policy wherein employees are only allowed to sodomize terrorists.

enemy - the less you know about air travel the better. It's an uncomfortable experience start to finish, unless you can afford 1st class.

patti - it might be more fun for the airline employees to whack them with a giant mallet.

fatty - as our first customer, you get a free upgrade to 1st class (based on previous comments, you get a pillow and sheet and our promise not to molest you).

rick - that's funny that he would join the Air Force. Of course, I did a fair share of flying in C-130's and choppers in the Army, so there's no escape from it.

tracy - amen.

Liz said...

Is there any kind of gaurantee you don't get it in the ass from the co-captain during the flight?

Grant said...

liz - that wasn't the Captain. A lot of attractive women report that air travel makes their bottom sore.

hellbunny said...

Just the kind of flight i want to go on.