Thursday, March 16, 2006

Why the U. S. is the best gosh darned country in the world

It recently came to my attention that some of you out there in blogland are unhappy with the United States. Actually, first it came to my attention that there are other countries out there, and then I discovered that some of you belong to them (although your English is still quite good, all things considered), and then I learned that many of you are unhappy with us. Looks like you need a quick reminder of why we Americans have the greatest country in the world (America).

Firstly, America is God’s country. If you doubt me, read the bible. In it, Jesus and pals speak English, the American language, and you should too. Our language is so popular the UK renamed one of its cute little islands after it (England). Besides, how many religions does your country have? Three? Five? Ten? What a laugh. We have more religions than brands of pickles, and we love our pickles. God is clearly an American. Therefore, you not only live in an inferior country, you’re also going to Hell as a result. Don’t blame me. If you had any decency, you would have been born here.

According to studies, we are the second fattest* and the shortest lived people of all the fully developed nations in the world. I think this is a matter of negative marketing. In reality, we are the second most robust and least likely to procrastinate. The press just tries to make that sound bad.

It’s easy to knock our leaders, in part because of our press which has the freedom to openly criticize them in front of the world. Before you go thinking that our country is filled with evil people and ruled by an evil, oppressive, fascist dictator, consider the following:
1) Are your politicians any better?
2) How do you know?
3) Do you even have any leaders?
4) Well, I’ve never heard of them.

But America isn’t the greatest country in the world simply because we’re better than all of you combined. This is also the world’s greatest nation because all of you tend to – collectively, on the whole, pardon me for generalizing – suck. Specifically:

Canada: your beer is watery and your country is lousy with moose, but nice try. Keep up the effort and you too can be Americans. Oh, and get rid of those fecking French people.

Australia: we almost accepted you as one of our territories since you gave us Paul Hogan and Outback Steakhouse, but your country is in the lower right corner of the map, i.e. the unfashionable end. Besides, what’s up with the boomerang? Can’t you make a normal stick that doesn’t keep coming back? “Fetch, boy. Psych!”

The Middle East: we don’t mean to keep blowing you up. It’s just that our missiles are attracted to brown people. And isn’t it nice of us not to charge you for their use? You’re welcome. Keep the oil flowing.

Wales: I can’t find it on the map. Therefore it doesn’t exist and any people who claim to be from there are either deranged or a figment of my imagination.

South America, Central America, and that archipelago South of Florida (also Mexico, you’re in this lot): you also have brown people. Sorry, but you will soon be bombed into the Stone Age, or as you call it, last week. That’s what you get for appropriating our name (America) and using it for some of your land masses. But keep the cocaine and jerk chicken coming until then.

Asia: I love you, despite the fact that, in thousands of years of civilization, nobody thought of a fucking fork. Will you marry me?

European Union: nice try, but there is only one America. Your imitation of us is flattering and cute, however. Keep it up.

Yes, America is back (not that we ever left). We’re riding high in the saddle, leaders of the free world, better than you and unapologetic as hell. Love us, or fecking die! Who’s yer daddy, rest of the planet? Bow down and worship…

Huh? What happened? I blacked out at the keyboard for awhile. It’s all this data entry they have me doing. Anyway, when I awoke I noticed I wrote some kind of post. I could check it, but I don’t have the energy so I’ll just publish it and assume it’s my standard caring and peace-loving fare. I need to lie down. My neck feels really red for some reason.

* Greece slipped ahead of us, but with a careful regimen of beer and fried snacks we’ll reclaim the lead.


circe said...

Priceless Grant. As usual, you are in rare form today. :) I'll continue my everyday wonderful, exclusive, privileged AMERICAN life once I get off the floor from having fallen off my plush computer chair from laughing so hard. (And it's not easy to get off this fat, short lazy ass either I might add...........):P


Prata said...

lmmfao Dude. No really! Lmao

Umm...can we share asia? No really. I'm happy with any of the "left overs" of your marriage to asia, perhaps asia likes to swing. Would that be cool with you? Come on, just one country out of the whole lot man...PLEASE!

Tai said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Excellent, Grant....I mean it....absolutley excellent.

Now, where's your fridge?? I brought the beer. Can't have those Greek people slippin' ahead of us...;)

Tai said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tai said...

Beware! BEWARE!!

The moose are one their way Grant, complete with cute little missiles strapped to their back.


p.s. they're not FRENCH they're Quebecois, and we're sending them down, too.

(ahem. No offence to the Quebecois, of course. It's just that some of them don't want to be part of Canada.
I suggest they sneak into the states along with the moose.
Probably they won't be noticed anyway.)

Kira said...

The French won't claim French-Canadians. They hate them more than...well, than the other Canadians do.

And Grant? *coughyellowfevercough* ;)

Blue said...

Outstanding effort!

We tried to give you Paul Hogan - but you sent him back & Steve Urwin - Ungrateful Bastards!!!

Kerry said...

Brilliant sweetheart! Preach on, preach on!

I get sick of hearing people run the US into the ground... but they sure as hell are quick to run to us for help... or to hide!

Melissa said...

OH! Jerk chicken and Red Stripe beer. I was engaged to a Canadian. The only thing wrong with Canada is the Canadians.

Just Some Gal said...

This was freaking priceless.


I know I don't have anything funnier to add...

fatty ~ said...

is back!

omg!! his head blew up from the freakin pressure of the egoness! must have been from the swelling........actually, it was probably all that beer and fries.........somebody call the ambulance!!! .......wait a sec, this is USA, you should probably call for a pizza - it will be quicker...

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oooo....I'll take Steve Irwin!!! ;)

pink said...

I was going to comment but it seems i don't exist.
So i can now say american beer is like pee.
Really funny post Grant.It made my laugh a lot.

Joe said...

Too funny, Grant. Absolutely brilliant. I'm so in awe of this post that I can't think of anything to say.

~Deb said...

This was one of my favorite posts of yours! Loved it! I was hysterical and SHOCKED at some of the content---yet somehow finding myself enjoying this way too much...

Can I just say---we're SO eye-to-eye with the Canada part! ;)

Georgiapeach said...

I liked it too Grant.

Grant said...

circe - if we were really privileged, we wouldn't be forced to work upright. American companies should supply beds and floating computers for their employees.

prata - I was going to suggest we split the Orient between the East and West since I'm learning Japanese and watching a lot of Japanese / Chinese / Korean movies and you've expressed interests in Vietnamese food and Thai models, but my dentist’s golden skin tone suggests Western Asia more than the East (correct me if I’m assuming too much) and I can’t bear to give away the country which created her (hereafter to be called Bunnyland). But I’m willing to give you Russia, India, and all those …stan places, which are still technically Asian.

pq – we probably gave the Greeks too many McDonalds, which is how they slipped ahead of us. We’ll show them. America won’t rest until you can walk the breadth of the land (not that we would) without leaving a fast food parking lot. Mmm…breadth.

tai – I’m an American. I pay my taxes. They’re called French. How good are mooseburgers?

kira – ack! More germs! Quit coughing on me.

bluebolt – since we’re so charitable, we’ll send you a few of our macho American actors like Russell Crowe and Mel Gibson.

kerry – I love it when other countries accept our help and then claim they really didn’t need it. If that’s so, give us a refund.

melissa – we should annex Canada and make it the 51st state so they will be as well liked as us. This July 4, I give you…New Moosida.

blondie – thanks. If you ever need something funny to add, just say “There’s a moose biting my nipples.”

aka fatty – welcome back. We didn’t know what to do without you. And any decent American ambulance service will bring a pizza along.

pq again – he’s yours if you redirect the moose missiles to Iraq or France.

pink – American beer is cheap, but it’s not as bad as our cheese. I’ve always thought those were the only two things for which we really owe the rest of the world an apology.

joe – thanks. I recommend “There’s a moose biting my nipples.”

~deb – the funny thing is I’ve only seen anti-Canada sentiments in the Northern states. Around here, they’re so rare they’re treated like circus freaks with good manners. People consider them to be ultra-white and very clean.

gp – thanks.

april said...

I had to get this comment in AFTER you responded to everyone else so I could get my own special response. I want all of your attention like that, sorry.

Anyway, so I'm sitting at my desk working really hard on reading as many blogs as I can, when I read this. And I start shotting my coke right from my nostrils just after I ate my double cheeseburger. I started laughing, and snorting because that's what I do sometimes when I can't stop laughing. And if others did really get what you were trying to say here, and it appears that there are some, I GET IT!! And more so I LOVE IT!!

Grant said...

april - sorry, but I don't do personal responses.

april said...

FINE then you don't get any lasagna or a blow job once my bell's palsy goes away!!

Ok, so maybe I'll fork over the blow job, but NO LASAGNA!!

Eternity said...

I spent some time in the States and let me tell you, it it not OUR beer (Canada's) that is watery. Looks like a challenge to me. I will be passing through at the end of June if you are up for it...

Grant said...

april - I'm only doing Asian food now, so can we make it tofu and a bj?

eternity - I've always said the two things America really owes the world an apology for are our beer and our cheese. I only drink German imports.