Virtual Reality

I try not to spend too much time playing video games since I have so many other, more important things to do like drinking beer, watching J-horror, and writing about Giant Atomic Chickens, but I believe in a balanced life so I manage an hour or two every few days without feeling too guilty. Over the years I have grown tired of my many racing games (Need for Speed, NfS II, NfS IISE, NfS III - Hot Pursuit, NfSHP II, NfS - Porsche Unleashed, NfS - Underground, etc.), my ultra-violent games (Redneck Rampage and Carmageddons I & II) were made for an older platform, the monkeyfish (a.k.a. Impossible Creatures) CD is deteriorating, and my all-time favorite Wasteland (made for an EGA IBM PC running DOS 3.3 but still works on Windows) vanished without a trace - the installed game, the backup game, the backup installation files, the backup CD, and the copies on my iPod Satan Sue all disappeared, and the backup installation disks have gone bad (the original 5.25" disks are long gone). Time for something new.

I asked some e-pals for suggestions (you know who you are), saying I wanted something a) easy, and b) potentially violent and mean-spirited. Most of you invariably recommended the Sims. Yesterday I finally caved, joined the masses, and bought the full Sims 1 set - the original game and 7 expansion packs all in the same package. After one installation, one lockup, and one crash, I finally sat down around 8:00 PM (gogo hachiji - sorry, need the practice) and played the game last night.

This is an incredibly stupid and pointless game. You create a person or family, set up house, and then spend valuable time you could be using to eat or wash or take out trash having the sim do mundane tasks such as eating, washing, and taking out trash. Or you can pause the game and put it into the all-important purchase mode wherein you buy furniture and knick-knacks for your sim in an attempt to keep him or her happy and alive (think Tamagotchi for adults). The game seems like it has an ulterior motive to promote rampant consumerism and the false belief that more stuff = more happy. It’s a stupid game based on an insipid, superficial philosophy and in no way will it ever be the equal of a Ferrari F50, Leonard with a range rifle, hordes of monkeyfish, or a team of Desert Rangers.

So then it’s three o’clock in the morning (gozen sanji) and my beer is warm from neglect and I want to strangle Boobert McFeckhead (yes, that’s his real name) because he’s a wuss who lets his jerkwad neighbor walk all over him and he never gets anything done in a timely manner and therefore winds up missing a lot of precious sleep and I’m thinking that, since I’m already going to be exhausted when I head to work in a few hours, why not stay up a little longer and just replace my blood with Mountain Dew while sitting in my cubicle waiting for the day to end, and then it hits me: despite my efforts to create a totally fictional character and have fun doing things I wouldn’t attempt in real life, I inadvertently created a sim version of myself. Boobert is a military trainee by day; by night he is a lonely psychopath who gets along with the neighborhood pets better than the people (especially the women), likes to read and watch horror movies, invariably injures himself every time he tries to make dinner from scratch, allows his neighbors to walk into his life and take whatever they want, never gets to bed on time and has to rush out the door in the morning to do it all again.

One of my “e-pals” warned me “Some people who play get so infatuated with making sure their Sims shower and eat that they forget to do those things for themselves.” Naturally, I hear this after I’ve purchased the game and gotten hooked. So, by way of “thanks” to all those of you who recommended this virtual heroin, let me say: watch your backs. I’ll be coming for you just as soon as I can tear myself away from my computer. Just look over your shoulder and I’ll be there: filthy, starving, and trembling from a 60 / 40 mixture of rage and lack of sleep. There will be no escape from me. My single-minded determination and focus knows no bounds. You will – ooh, Boobert’s crying again. I wonder if a bigger TV would make him happy.

Seriously, thanks for the recommendation. I would never kill any of you. (Or would I?) (No.) (At least not as far as you know.) After I learn the basics, I may come back to you for some hints. For now, I’m trying to train my mini me to stop pitching hissy fits when he can’t watch enough TV. Be a man, goddamnit! Kill that fecking loser neighbor with a chainsaw.

I wonder if I can buy Boobert a computer and make him play the Sims instead of going to bed.

Death, out