School Daze

Tomorrow I’ll be heading back to school for the first time in years, and for the first time ever I’ll be going with no ulterior motive except to actually learn something. My high school priorities were to finish high school (done) with acceptable marks (barely done) while getting drunk (check) and laid as often as possible (not so much). My college goals were to get my degree (done) with high marks (magna cum laude) while getting drunk (big check) and laid as often as possible (I did better in high school). My goals for tomorrow are:

1) Find the building.
2) Find the classroom.
3) Finish registration.
4) Assassinate the Pope.
5) Buy a textbook.
6) Attend class without making a complete fool of myself.

I’ll consider the day a success if I can achieve five out of my six goals. Since the Pope isn’t local, I’ll give him a miss unless somebody laughs at me and I feel the need to bolster my self-worth with a little bloodshed.

Naturally, in honor of going back to school, my face sprouted its first pimple in years. I wonder if they’ll notice if I wear a mask or paper sack over my head? I also wonder whether or not I’ll still be able to learn. I read a lot so my brain hasn’t completely stopped developing, but it’s been years since I sat in a classroom and I wasn’t too thrilled the last time anyway.

To me, the brain is like a sponge. When you’re young, the sponge is damp – ready to soak up more, but far from logged. When you get to be my age, the sponge is dried out and threatens to crumble to dust if you try to use it for anything except soaking up beer.

Since there’s a high chance I’ll be escorted out by the police tomorrow (I have a distinguished track record for this), I’d better make sure I learn all the critical phrases I’ll need first. As soon as class starts, I plan to interrupt the teacher and insist she teach the class how to say the following in Japanese:

1) Feck off!
2) Can your daughter pass for eighteen?
3) I want to play around with your spleen.
4) Hail Satan!

That should help me blend when I visit Japan. Hopefully I can get a good night’s sleep tonight. My sponge is spinning and needs all the help it can get.