Friday, February 03, 2006

School Daze

Tomorrow I’ll be heading back to school for the first time in years, and for the first time ever I’ll be going with no ulterior motive except to actually learn something. My high school priorities were to finish high school (done) with acceptable marks (barely done) while getting drunk (check) and laid as often as possible (not so much). My college goals were to get my degree (done) with high marks (magna cum laude) while getting drunk (big check) and laid as often as possible (I did better in high school). My goals for tomorrow are:

1) Find the building.
2) Find the classroom.
3) Finish registration.
4) Assassinate the Pope.
5) Buy a textbook.
6) Attend class without making a complete fool of myself.

I’ll consider the day a success if I can achieve five out of my six goals. Since the Pope isn’t local, I’ll give him a miss unless somebody laughs at me and I feel the need to bolster my self-worth with a little bloodshed.

Naturally, in honor of going back to school, my face sprouted its first pimple in years. I wonder if they’ll notice if I wear a mask or paper sack over my head? I also wonder whether or not I’ll still be able to learn. I read a lot so my brain hasn’t completely stopped developing, but it’s been years since I sat in a classroom and I wasn’t too thrilled the last time anyway.

To me, the brain is like a sponge. When you’re young, the sponge is damp – ready to soak up more, but far from logged. When you get to be my age, the sponge is dried out and threatens to crumble to dust if you try to use it for anything except soaking up beer.

Since there’s a high chance I’ll be escorted out by the police tomorrow (I have a distinguished track record for this), I’d better make sure I learn all the critical phrases I’ll need first. As soon as class starts, I plan to interrupt the teacher and insist she teach the class how to say the following in Japanese:

1) Feck off!
2) Can your daughter pass for eighteen?
3) I want to play around with your spleen.
4) Hail Satan!

That should help me blend when I visit Japan. Hopefully I can get a good night’s sleep tonight. My sponge is spinning and needs all the help it can get.

11 comments:

Kerry said...

Good Luck in class! For some reason the movie 'Animal House' comes to mind when I read your entry... hmmm...

You didnt try to relive that 'Animal House' experience while in college, did ya? haha

annush said...

good luck in class dude! and seriously, i think in case you get arrested you should find yourself some new lines...
"it wasn't me" works everytime if you say it while you wink and smile ;) :)

Lor said...

Good luck learning nihongo! This entry reminded me of this site, which you might find interesting if you haven't come across it already.

Haha, I wonder if your sensei will teach the class completely in Japanese like mine does...

Nobius said...

I want to learn how to say, "Um, do you like my thing?" :)

Seven said...

My Lord I feel a blog coming about Japanese rock history.
Music rock I mean...not rock rocks

Grant said...

kerry - the closest I got to Animal House was showing for class completely drunk and trying to act sober and interested (and conscious).

annush - I think "It wasn't me" only works if you're an attractive woman. For me, I was taught to say "Soy inocente, pero tengo este regalo para sus niños..."

lor - thanks for the link. And for what I'm paying, she WILL speak English (or at least Engrish).

nobius - as soon as I learn I'll pass it along.

rick - be sure to tell us about Japanese devil music. A friend once went to a concert where a Japanese heavy metal band, Loudness, opened for the headliners. They were awful. They looked like Kiss on steroids and sounded like heavy pop. True exchange follows. Loudness: "Are you weady to wock?" Crowd: "Noooo. Get off the fucking stage!"

Anonymous said...

Awaitin' the blog about your first day...

That Girl

Valkyrie said...

Yay! There's been activity on Chopping Block!

Grant said...

that girl - it's a comin'.

r - I saw that. Looks like he abandoned the new direction it was taking tho.

Liz said...

I was hoping for a black pope so, hahaha

If you do wear a bag it might help with #4

With those phrases you can also say, “I want to feck your daughter”, which is another Japanese ice breaker. Good luck Grant.

Kira said...

I don't know any cursing in Japanese. However, I DO know of a few fun phrases in mandarine chinese!

Tai-kong suo-yo duh shing-chiouh doh sai-jin wuh duh pee-goo: Everything in space is stuffed up my ass.

Tchen wah: Slut.

Tian xiz shou you de ren dou gai si: Fuck everyone in the universe to death.