Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Touring the UK, American Style

I should have gotten this information out sooner since Sarcasmo is traveling to London this week. Now she’ll have to try to enjoy her vacation without the benefit of my wisdom, poor kid. I wish her well.

Note – for those of you reading this who aren’t fortunate enough to be Americans, let me just say by way of apology Neener Neener Neener. Wait, I meant Feck Off! Whoops, what I meant to say was…okay, I forgot, but I’m sure it was poignant and witty and meant to ease the suffering you no doubt feel reading this which just serves as a reminder that you do not live in the greatest country on our planet (Earth, I think) and in no way should this post be misconstrued as a sort of “compare your lifestyle to mine and then kill yourself” type of thing. I’m sure there’s no shame in living in (insert your cute little country’s name here). Myself, I’d rather be dead, but… * condescending pat on the head *

Technically I haven’t been to the UK per se, but I have visited other European countries such as Germany and Spain and Iraq and a bunch of others that don’t want me back, so I consider myself to be an expert on travel. A lot of people I know are filled with dopy ideas about learning the language and culture and trying to blend in when they travel, but what fun is that? Wherever we go, we’re still Americans. Why deprive the rest of the world of our greatness? By being ourselves, we give them the gift of a cultural experience while having one ourselves. Of course, we Americans don’t need culture. I’ve got the stuff coming out of my fecking arse. I can’t buy a donut or a case of beer without having a cultural experience…

But I digress. The point is, when you’re visiting a foreign, and therefore less fortunate, country for god knows what reason, just relax and be your wonderful self. Capitalize on the US’s current world popularity. Constantly remind your hosts that you are an American. “Make way, American coming through, make way.” This does not mean behave as if you have no manners. Be sure to show gratitude to your hosts at every turn. “Thank you for attempting to entertain me with your primitive rituals. In the spirit of our newfound friendship, I sincerely hope it won’t be necessary for our army to shell your huts.”

The good thing about visiting the UK is that the language barrier will not be a major problem. Be they English, or British, or Irish, or Scottish, or Walesish, they’re all “ish” peoples, that group of Europeans that stole our American language (English) and yet can’t quite use it properly. For instance, “Who’s for tea?” is actually pronounced “Dude, wanna beer?” Take every opportunity to correct their mistakes by openly mocking them with rolling eyes and derisive chuckles. “Alla y’all is goofy talkin’.”

And don’t forget to openly mock their traditions and values. While attending a wine tasting, sniff the cork, swish the wine around in your mouth, and spit it back in their face. “I’m sorry, you don’t do it that way here? Wow, you primitive apes sure are amusing.” Mayonnaise should be laughed at on every given occasion.

You may be tempted to try to get the royal guards to lose their military bearing, and that’s perfectly alright. It’s why they’re paid the big francs. However, years of dealing with rubes while having their brains crushed by a fifty pound fur hat have left them immune to most tactics. Instead of saying silly things or waving your hands in their face, I recommend a flying drop kick to the neck. “Kiyi! Cheerio, mate.” If you have someone with you, have your counterpart take a picture or preferably video clip as you take turns assaulting the guards.

When you venture into a bar, or pub as they mistakenly call it, be sure to ask for a Michelob. Like cheese, American beer is the best in the world, although they’ll try to hide that with a lot of grumblings about it being nothing but piss-water. That’s when the other advantage of Michelob comes into play – the extra heavy glass bottom makes it the king of beers when it comes time for a drunken brawl.

For that matter, as soon as the plane lands you should just rush down the ramp waving a cutlass in the air screaming “Yar! Prepare to be boarded, fecking foreigners.” I haven’t flown in awhile, but the last time I did they allowed weapons on board. Note – it was a military C-130 transporting troops but I’m sure the commercial flights are much the same, only with better food.

Happy vacationing. In closing – feck off.


Mel said...

Hey Grant, I'm heading to New Zealand soon, wanna come along? I'm not A Merry Can enough, and will need someone with your expertise to keep the natives at bay - :) Very entertaining.

Seven said...

Negative soldier,
Commercial flights do not have better food. Fly high.

Liz said...

Yea sure is disconcerting that Sarcasmo missed all those words of wisdom. Maybe no one will get killed now. Too Bad.

More bad news Grant, I have to tag you. I’m sure you know the drill.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Hey, I just want to visit castles, okay??? ;)

I'll bring my own beer and I won't talk to anyone...I promise. :)

sands of time said...

Well sorry being a Brit.I have to say your beer does taste like piss.But since i live in north america i have to drink it.Also,we put Salad cream on our salads much nicer than mayo.
Hope you get to go over one day i think you'd be right at home swordfighting in the castles and brawling in the pubs.:)

Just Some Gal said...

Ok I about died laughing. This was a great post and I'm sure some lucky bastard will follow it word for word. hehehe

circe said...

I detect a huge tongue in a very pinchable cheek. Great post! Never been to UK but that would be my first choice. However, I would so wish to not be referred to as the Ugly American that I would try my darndest to be on best behavior and not add fuel to the fire. Silly me!

nikki said...

you know, your suggestions are brilliant for assasination plots. i think i'm gonna send my boss to england with a list of your protocol on how he should behave.

Ali said...

Just Brilliant! FECK OFF!

Spider Girl said...

Why doesn't the UN already have you on its payroll, is what I'd like to know! :)

Kira said...

Haha! Oh man, yes, of course you know many Americans have already done just that.

It's why when I went over to England the first time, I had a couple of people there ask what part of Canada I was from. I finally cornered one: "I don't have a northeastern accent, so I can't figure out why you guys think I'm Canadian. Why?"

Answer: "Well, you're too polite and intelligent to be an American...." Yeowch!