Touring the UK, American Style

I should have gotten this information out sooner since Sarcasmo is traveling to London this week. Now she’ll have to try to enjoy her vacation without the benefit of my wisdom, poor kid. I wish her well.

Note – for those of you reading this who aren’t fortunate enough to be Americans, let me just say by way of apology Neener Neener Neener. Wait, I meant Feck Off! Whoops, what I meant to say was…okay, I forgot, but I’m sure it was poignant and witty and meant to ease the suffering you no doubt feel reading this which just serves as a reminder that you do not live in the greatest country on our planet (Earth, I think) and in no way should this post be misconstrued as a sort of “compare your lifestyle to mine and then kill yourself” type of thing. I’m sure there’s no shame in living in (insert your cute little country’s name here). Myself, I’d rather be dead, but… * condescending pat on the head *

Technically I haven’t been to the UK per se, but I have visited other European countries such as Germany and Spain and Iraq and a bunch of others that don’t want me back, so I consider myself to be an expert on travel. A lot of people I know are filled with dopy ideas about learning the language and culture and trying to blend in when they travel, but what fun is that? Wherever we go, we’re still Americans. Why deprive the rest of the world of our greatness? By being ourselves, we give them the gift of a cultural experience while having one ourselves. Of course, we Americans don’t need culture. I’ve got the stuff coming out of my fecking arse. I can’t buy a donut or a case of beer without having a cultural experience…

But I digress. The point is, when you’re visiting a foreign, and therefore less fortunate, country for god knows what reason, just relax and be your wonderful self. Capitalize on the US’s current world popularity. Constantly remind your hosts that you are an American. “Make way, American coming through, make way.” This does not mean behave as if you have no manners. Be sure to show gratitude to your hosts at every turn. “Thank you for attempting to entertain me with your primitive rituals. In the spirit of our newfound friendship, I sincerely hope it won’t be necessary for our army to shell your huts.”

The good thing about visiting the UK is that the language barrier will not be a major problem. Be they English, or British, or Irish, or Scottish, or Walesish, they’re all “ish” peoples, that group of Europeans that stole our American language (English) and yet can’t quite use it properly. For instance, “Who’s for tea?” is actually pronounced “Dude, wanna beer?” Take every opportunity to correct their mistakes by openly mocking them with rolling eyes and derisive chuckles. “Alla y’all is goofy talkin’.”

And don’t forget to openly mock their traditions and values. While attending a wine tasting, sniff the cork, swish the wine around in your mouth, and spit it back in their face. “I’m sorry, you don’t do it that way here? Wow, you primitive apes sure are amusing.” Mayonnaise should be laughed at on every given occasion.

You may be tempted to try to get the royal guards to lose their military bearing, and that’s perfectly alright. It’s why they’re paid the big francs. However, years of dealing with rubes while having their brains crushed by a fifty pound fur hat have left them immune to most tactics. Instead of saying silly things or waving your hands in their face, I recommend a flying drop kick to the neck. “Kiyi! Cheerio, mate.” If you have someone with you, have your counterpart take a picture or preferably video clip as you take turns assaulting the guards.

When you venture into a bar, or pub as they mistakenly call it, be sure to ask for a Michelob. Like cheese, American beer is the best in the world, although they’ll try to hide that with a lot of grumblings about it being nothing but piss-water. That’s when the other advantage of Michelob comes into play – the extra heavy glass bottom makes it the king of beers when it comes time for a drunken brawl.

For that matter, as soon as the plane lands you should just rush down the ramp waving a cutlass in the air screaming “Yar! Prepare to be boarded, fecking foreigners.” I haven’t flown in awhile, but the last time I did they allowed weapons on board. Note – it was a military C-130 transporting troops but I’m sure the commercial flights are much the same, only with better food.

Happy vacationing. In closing – feck off.