Wednesday, January 25, 2006

And the winner is…

Let me thank you all for chiming in on which language I should pursue, as if I actually value your opinions. :p I’ll get to my decision in a moment.

First, let me inform you that I am blogging this from home since I have contracted some kind of illness, probably the Asian bird fru. Everybody at work seems relatively healthy, so I’m assuming I got this from one of my fellow bloggers via some kind of computer virus. To whomever made me ill, I say: feck off.

The funny thing is, since I’ve been exercising and eating healthy (not low fat or calorie, but organic) foods, whenever I get sick I don’t actually feel sick. I feel fine with a few symptoms tacked on. Today I’m snotty and sneezey, but otherwise well and full of energy. Ten years ago I would be lying in bed praying for a quick death. Now I only called in sick today because I wanted to avoid spreading germs, and I had a couple of errands to run.

One errand took me to the local post office, which is like the DMV without all the good cheer and efficiency. I stood in the very long line during the slow period and watched as a pair of old black women berated every white customer who approached begging to (of all the audacity) actually mail a package. They sent them all packing for various reasons – wrong tape, wrong envelope, missing customs forms, etc. When it came my time, I passed muster and was actually allowed to pay them to mail my envelope, although when I tried to buy two cent stamps they told me they were out. Naturally they didn’t bother to offer any one cent stamps in their place, but I persisted and was finally allowed to buy a few.

The reason I had to go to the post office in the first place was because the envelope sent by my mother (which I marked “Return to Sender” and dropped back into the mail) found its way back to my mailbox after a couple of days. For those of you curious to learn what was in the envelope, I say: feck off. I told my mother we’re through and that I would not accept any calls or mail from her. Since the post office apparently doesn’t do “Return to Sender” anymore, I put her unopened envelope into another one and mailed it back. I hope she doesn’t try to turn this into a game of postal volleyball, but as I’ve said before she has nothing but time and money and hatred on her side, so anything goes.

Now, to the winner. After careful consideration, I have selected (drum roll)…Klingon. Yes, Klingon. It is a unique language for a beautiful and violent people and, let’s face it, there is no language better for cursing. Even the Irish have to bow down to the fecking Klingons. Besides, Books-A-Million used to have an instruction audio book called Power Klingon read by Michael Dorn (who played Worf), although it seems to be unavailable now. If anybody knows where to find a copy, please don’t bother telling me because I’m only kidding. I’m not really going to pursue Klingon. To those of you gullible enough to believe I actually was, I say: feck off. Learning Klingon might elevate me to the status of Alpha geek in the IT department, but it would be basically useless on vacation anywhere on this planet.

For those of you who voted for French, which wasn’t being considered anyway, I say: feck off. French is a sissy weenie language for lovers. Everybody knows German is the best European language for cursing with all of its harsh, biting consonants and slurring vowels. Besides, if I’m looking for romance I’ll do it the old fashioned way and use brute force and Rohypnol.

If you recommended Spanish, which also wasn’t an option, I say: feck off. I’m already fluent in Spanish. I can count to ten and say things like “water,” “thank you, “son of a bitch,” and “I have a pencil; my pencil is black.” If I need to vary the conversation, I can claim my pencil is either green or red, but it is, in fact, black. Also I know the difference between a taco, a burrito, and an enchilada. Now I want a tamale.

Many of you voted for Chinese, which is a wonderful idea, to which I say: feck off. I don’t have a reason for not wanting to learn Chinese; in fact, if I pursue a third language it will probably be Mandarin. But for right now I’m going in a different direction.

I don’t think anybody actually recommended Japanese, but if you were leaning in that direction, I say: feck off. You’re a winner! But feck off anyway. I’m going to try Japanese for a number of reasons: it sounds easier than Mandarin, I watch more movies in Japanese than I do in Mandarin, Cantonese, or Korean, I currently want to visit Tokyo more than any other place, and I just plain feel like it.

For those of you who didn’t wade in and vote, I say: feck off. You’re useless. :p

As far as how to learn the language, I really think I would prefer a personal approach over books and computer instruction, although I’ll probably need to use those as supplements. I think I’ll try the Language Institute of Atlanta first. The next rotation begins February 4. If I’m unhappy with the instruction there, I’ll switch to a university. Emory not only has classes in Japanese (and Mandarin), they also offer majors and minors in Asian Studies including a course on Japanese Movies. I wonder if they’ll feature anything by Takashi Miike.

If this post offended anybody, allow me to say, by way of apology: feck off.

Forgive me if some of this was a tad repetitive, but I’ve found the most beautiful words in the English language and I like taking them out and showing them a good time. Tolkien had “Cellar Door;” I have “feck off.” I also have Giant Atomic Chickens and Random Killing Spree, but the years have worn them thin.

In closing: feck off.


april said...

You make fecking off sound soooo good.

Valkyrie said...

Well, I like you too!

Meerkat said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kira said...

It always makes me wet when Grant has more than one feck off in his post...

(the deleted post was me accidentally posting under my daughter's blog username...tell me about sounding just DAMN WRONG or what!)

Nobius said...

Every post you write Grant offends me.


Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Awww, that is SO sweet!

Feck you too, dammit.


Joe said...

All that fecking off has me exhausted. I think a cigarette and a quick nap now.

sands of time said...

Maybe you should rename your blog Feck off

Tai said...

I WAS going to post an interesting, insightful comment until I saw the very last "Feck off."

So I did.

TTD said...

i believe you have passed your "internet virus" to me now.... thanks! >:-|

Liz said...

Glad you found your language. Make sure feck off is one of the first things you learn.

Spider Girl said...

*rummaging around for Klingon dictionary so I can say "feck off" in Klingon...*

Dammit, I know it's here somewhere.

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