Today is Veteran’s Day, a day in which I invite you all to line up and kiss my ass. This is not the standing open invitation in which I invite the world to figuratively kiss my ass on a daily basis. Today I shall be taking reservations so you can drop by my cubicle and plant a big old wet one on my derriere (no tongue, please).
Why do I think you owe me anything? Just look around you. Has your house been destroyed by a Scud missile? Was your office overrun by the Republican Guard? Did Saddam Hussein take your favorite table in the local watering hole? No? You’re welcome. Let’s face it: when I was on duty, not one Iraqi T-54/55 tank made it into downtown Atlanta.
Anyway, my office honored our contribution and the sacrifices of our fallen comrades with a minute of silence. Woot! Party! Some people actually obeyed, but not all, so it was really more of a minute of muffled conversation and quieter clacking on the keyboards. I think the proper thing to do would be to send the veterans home and make the others work a double shift. At least we should be able to demand piggy-back rides from our civilian wuss counterparts throughout the day.
In case you’re the type of person who is dedicated to world peace and doesn’t believe in the military, then please know that I spent four years in various countries doing major damage on your tax dollars and I HAD FUN DOING IT!!! Thanks for supporting me.
In case you’re not from America, then please know that I was probably in your country at some point, blowing stuff up, drinking your booze (or making my own if your various gods don’t allow it), and sleeping with your women, and I HAD FUN DOING IT!!! Thanks for having me over. See you real soon. (heh heh heh)
In case you’re from Canada, the only country that ever successfully repelled a U. S. invasion (I’m not counting political losses like Vietnam – I mean a real, honest-to-Bob battlefield defeat), then please be aware that we have not forgotten the War of 1812 and are just acting friendly, biding our time, until you drop your guard and are ripe for a full scale invasion. I WILL DESTROY YOU, AND I WILL HAVE FUN DOING IT!!! Expect us when you least expect us, just as soon as we have achieved total victory in the Middle East and Korea. Any minute now.
I’ll be sitting here holding my breath.