Friday, November 11, 2005

Veteran’s Day

Today is Veteran’s Day, a day in which I invite you all to line up and kiss my ass. This is not the standing open invitation in which I invite the world to figuratively kiss my ass on a daily basis. Today I shall be taking reservations so you can drop by my cubicle and plant a big old wet one on my derriere (no tongue, please).

Why do I think you owe me anything? Just look around you. Has your house been destroyed by a Scud missile? Was your office overrun by the Republican Guard? Did Saddam Hussein take your favorite table in the local watering hole? No? You’re welcome. Let’s face it: when I was on duty, not one Iraqi T-54/55 tank made it into downtown Atlanta.

Anyway, my office honored our contribution and the sacrifices of our fallen comrades with a minute of silence. Woot! Party! Some people actually obeyed, but not all, so it was really more of a minute of muffled conversation and quieter clacking on the keyboards. I think the proper thing to do would be to send the veterans home and make the others work a double shift. At least we should be able to demand piggy-back rides from our civilian wuss counterparts throughout the day.

In case you’re the type of person who is dedicated to world peace and doesn’t believe in the military, then please know that I spent four years in various countries doing major damage on your tax dollars and I HAD FUN DOING IT!!! Thanks for supporting me.

In case you’re not from America, then please know that I was probably in your country at some point, blowing stuff up, drinking your booze (or making my own if your various gods don’t allow it), and sleeping with your women, and I HAD FUN DOING IT!!! Thanks for having me over. See you real soon. (heh heh heh)

In case you’re from Canada, the only country that ever successfully repelled a U. S. invasion (I’m not counting political losses like Vietnam – I mean a real, honest-to-Bob battlefield defeat), then please be aware that we have not forgotten the War of 1812 and are just acting friendly, biding our time, until you drop your guard and are ripe for a full scale invasion. I WILL DESTROY YOU, AND I WILL HAVE FUN DOING IT!!! Expect us when you least expect us, just as soon as we have achieved total victory in the Middle East and Korea. Any minute now.

I’ll be sitting here holding my breath.

15 comments:

Ddot the King said...

Ok since it's veteran's day i thought I'd come over and actually leave a comment. Well that and the fact you were over in my kingdom whining about it!! LOL!

How do you sleep at night knowing what you've done during your years in the military?! Then again you're a madman you probably sleep like a baby.LOL!!!

PBS said...

Happy Veteran's Day! Yes, I think the veterans should get to take the day off and go home.

Wow, that was quite an unusual posting, in stark contrast to the poems, songs and remembrances on some other blogs. Certainly a fresh and original outlook, I enjoyed reading it!

Spider Girl said...

I'm a Canadian, but I'm feeling pretty mellow about the fall-out from the War of 1812, so cheers to you, Grant! :)

Weary Hag said...

I always get confused as to when the War of 1812 occurred. Thanks for clearing it up some.

I will NOT kiss your ass, but if you purr affectionately, I will pet you on the back.

Enjoy the day Grant!

circe said...

The Canada part at the end was my fav.
I'll help you invade...

:)

angel, jr. said...

Happy Veteran's Day!
Thanks to you and to all the other military service people, we can sleep peacefully here in America!

Just Some Gal said...

Grant,
I hope you know that I really hold you in high esteem for you service in the military. I won't kiss your ass but I might just smack it. ;-)

Thanks babe for serving our country and being yourself no matter what.

xx

Kira said...

Ok, that has to be the best Veteran's Day send off I've ever read ;) Unlike the other wusses, I'll gladly kiss your ass *smack*

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Awww...no tongue? I'm disappointed...;)

sands of time said...

Since everyone else is smacking your ass ill join in.I do however think that all countries fail to give the people that defend them the honour they deserve.

AVA said...

Happy (very belated) Veterans Day Grant!!! Americans are so lucky to have you ;)
I send you a big hug my friend (but no ass kissing and especially no tongue :)

Sherry said...

What?
No tongue?
Now I'm really upset!!!
:)

Liz said...

Hope your day was grand. I by no means refute your importance and wish the day had more importance to the average American. I do hope the next time you ask us to kiss your backside you include a picture that I can print out and comply with. Cheers!

VomitGod said...

God bless you, Grant!

Valkyrie said...

I know Grant's Groupies has a bunch of members, but we need to respect his mind, not his behind.