Monday, September 12, 2005

Hide and Seek and Parental Advice

After downloading the picture of Dakota Fanning from the IMDb for my earlier post, I rented the movie Hide and Seek. It was a decent thriller emboldened by her strong performance. She really knows how to play a disturbed child – the looks, expressions, and way too somber attitude.

Of course, in the movie she had one of those touchy-feely fictional parents who try to understand and help their kids when they do something like draw scary pictures, or blame misdeeds on invisible friends, or claim they just happened to be in the same area when the bratty neighbor’s kid committed suicide by impaling the back of her head on a pickaxe several times. Such parenting just encourages kids to speak up, explore their feelings, and try to resolve their troubles. This is wrong. The mark of a good parent is to shape and mold their charges into an inhuman lump of coal, a being that can smile complacently through any situation all while picturing their protagonist coated with maggots, festering in a ditch, and at the same time plotting how to put him there.

For instance, as a small child I myself used to draw pictures with construction paper and crayons. I started with rainbows, streams and meadows, then added frolicking children and picnicking families to the scene. Available relatives would toss me an insincere compliment when their path took them near me. For the finishing touches, I would add flying saucers blasting the families with lasers, or rampaging dinosaurs treating the kiddies like Purina lizard chow. At that point the compliments were replaced with scorn and beatings, except for one cousin who actually had artistic talent but went to prison for armed robbery. He liked my artistic vision. Anyway, I learned to stop before adding the killer robot zombies and just spent hours looking at the landscapes, enjoying the disingenuous praise from others and the scenes of carnage unfolding in my head.

Then my invisible friend Baphomet appeared one night and began to constantly keep me company. He was a lot of fun, telling me that I was special and that he liked and understood me, plus he frequently set things on fire. Okay, technically I did the actual fire starting, but it was on the strict orders of my demonic friend which should exonerate me in any court in this country. My mother didn’t see things that way and expressed her concern with the usual mélange of screaming, cursing, beatings, locking me in the closet, and burning me with her cigarettes (Winston Lights, so she would only risk a little cancer). I learned my lesson. After that I worked extra hard at not getting caught. Side note – recently I befriended an invisible cat named Sparkles, but he ran away. I need a new invisible friend.

Anyway, good parenting is what made me what I am today: completely normal, unlike the rest of you sinners who are gonna burn Burn BURN!!! To recap on the basics of child rearing: If it moves, hit it. If it talks, scream at it until it shuts up. If it acts out, make it very clear that moods and the need to release anger are for adults ONLY. Drop me a note if you need any further advice on raising your younguns to be healthy, productive members of society. I am here to help, after all.

Peace, out

6 comments:

Nobius said...

Though I am on a hiatus from BLOGGING I'm not on break from commenting. :)

Maybe I should be. :)

There's a car that drives around my town all the time that is plastered with such wonderful God filled signage such as "GOD hates Sinners", "If you Die, where will you go?", "Homosexuality is sin"...so and so forth.

I'd love to meet my maker at the same time as that guy. One of us is in for a rude awakening.

I doubt it's me.

Grant, can you change your BLOGGER settings to post your ATOM feed in full?

sands of time said...

I see you as the ideal parental advisor.
My english teacher in high school would always comment that i couldnt write an essay that didnt involve murder or bombs or killer cats.

annush said...

you have issues man...you really do. remind me not to let you anywhere near my kids ever :P

Malia said...

I think my mother took hints from you on parenting.

Malia

Butterscotch said...

I am going to guess that you have Calvin and Hobbes in your favorite books section. I must go see if I am right...

lccb144 said...

Nobius - amen.

Grant - this is more a comment on your 9/9/05 post.

I am intolerant of those stupid "Christians" who give us a bad name by making us all look like crazy, intolerant, racist, narrow-minded nuts. Sometimes I feel like I'm hitting my head against the same brick wall of fundamentalism over and over. *sigh