Avast, ye slobs!

I meant…oh, never mind. Sarcasmo and Dave Barry already have International Talk Like a Pirate Day covered, so I won’t bother pitching in my two doubloons. Besides, I’ve tried the talk like a pirate thing and it just doesn’t work for me. I have to bone up on piratology since I spend the other 364 days out of pirate mode, then I stumble through a few poorly crafted phrases (“Yo ho, me fucking hearties! Swab the mizzenmast with poop! Ahoy the fax machine!”) and wind up with a headache after fifteen minutes. Piracy is fun, but I need a holiday better suited to my demeanor (read: psychopathy). Therefore I have created:

TALK LIKE A DEMON DAY

On TLADD, evil growls, flicking your (hopefully forked) tongue, and displaying the horn hands will be an appropriate response for all occasions, including office parties, romantic dinners, and traffic stops. Plus you get to personalize your personality on this day. Think about what type of demon you are or would like to be (take the below quizzes if you need help), and adjust your responses accordingly. For example, consider the following responses to a standard office command from your supervisor.

“Bob, copy these reports in triplicate for me.”

Mindless Destructive Demon: “Arrrrgh! BLOOD!” Disembowel the jerk and string his intestines around the copy room like Xmas tinsel as a warning to the next ten generations that you should not be crossed in this world or the next.

Ironic Vengeance Demon: Smile and quietly take the reports. Slice your manager into thin strips with the giant paper cutter, then load the copy machine legal drawer with his flesh. Lock the drawer closed and ensure the copier is stuck in triplicate mode. Ensure the original is left in your supervisor’s replacement’s desk with a post-it note calling for triplicate copies.

Crafty Demon: “I will copy the reports in exchange for your immortal soul.” Have your boss sign the cover sheet with his own blood.

Sarcastic Demon: “Oh, I would love nothing better than to do your bidding, my master. Here, take my home phone number. If you can think of anything else I can ever do for you, don’t hesitate to call at three o’clock in the morning.” Then stuff him feet-first into the nearest paper shredder.

Pyrokinetic Demon: “What’s that behind you?” Brain the boss man with a nearby fire extinguisher, then set him on fire. For added fun, replace the fire retardant chemicals in all the extinguishers with napalm. Disable the alarm system. Chortle Satanically.

The possibilities are endless. I look around my cube farm and see an office loaded with potentially lethal weapons – paper shredders, paper cutters, hole punches, staplers, scissors, grenades, submachine guns, swords, highlighters, glue – and that’s just in my desk drawer.

When is TLADD, you might ask? Why, ever day is Talk Like A Demon Day. But June the sixth next year is going to be a serious blowout bash. Let’s all plan to get together for a party, or forever burn in Hell. Bring dip.

Evil, out

P.S. Back to my original point – have a happy Talk Like A Pirate Day.