I have decided upon the next thirty day, potentially life-altering experiment: daily random killing spree. I was thinking of an all sorority girl diet, but that’s hardly random. Next I decided to go with the time-honored tradition of picking my victims from a phone directory, but it occurred to me that people with unlisted numbers would escape my wrath. Why should those hoity-toity wannabe celebrities receive a free pass while the working man gets ground into meatloaf for Zorzan? It’s just not fair. So, for the next thirty days, I will hunt for people with unlisted phone numbers, follow them home, and eviscerate them. For an added ironic twist, I will leave my victims with a final dying breath and just enough strength to reach the phone. When they dial 911, I will have it routed to my cell phone whereupon I will inform them that it is now the policy of 911 not to respond to calls placed from an unlisted number. Har.
Whoops! That was my secret goal. Pretend you never read that. Go wipe your memories, then return and start again with paragraph three.
For the next thirty days I will stop drinking completely. As it is I only drink beer and even then just a few times a week so I don’t expect to feel any different, but I want to see what effect it has on my life to cut it completely. I can’t write after I’ve had a few – in fact, I’m basically worthless. I’m only good for TV and video games then, and not games that require heavy thinking or fast reflexes. Besides, the stuff goes straight from the wallet to the waistline, so who needs it? I’ll let you know in thirty days.