Atheists in Church

I’ve been involved in various religious discussions lately, meandering as they tend to do between topics such as abortion, the existence of the soul, and reincarnation. For consideration I offered up a few things I learned at the Mormon church we attended in Tennessee when I was about twelve, and found that most people had no idea what the Mormons believe. After confirming that I wasn’t confused or taught by a bunch of Latter Day Saint Separatists, I realized (meaning somebody else pointed it out to me) that a lot of Mormons don’t proselytize their religion. It’s not due to embarrassment or shame, just that they get tired of constantly explaining themselves. I think I never really noticed because, being a guy, we don’t tend to focus on such trivialities as religion and our purpose in life, especially when there are breasts in the room. My recollection of school religious discussions runs along this line:

Guy 1: “What religion are you?”
Guy 2: “Zoroastrianism.”
Guy 1: “Whatever. Wanna play football? Hey, check out the butt on her!”

Then I remembered a conversation my older sister had when we transferred to another school.

Girl: “What church do you go to?”
Sister: “I’m a Mormon.”
Girl: “Aren’t those the people that don’t believe in God?”

I believe those are called Atheists, my dear. I only just now appreciated the full stupidity of that question. Before I just noted that she knew nothing of the Mormon religion. Now I realize that she actually thought there was a church where people gathered to not worship God. What would they do? Get up early, dress in their Sunday best, congregate and twiddle their thumbs for a few hours? I imagine the proceedings would start with the following prayer.

Our father which don’t exist, hallowed be my stock portfolio. Thy kingdom is in the land of make-believe. My will be done, on Earth since no other place exists. Give us this day our daily cable TV and forgive us our debts, as we continue to run up the credit cards. Lead us into temptation, especially with that cutie at the photomat around the corner. Also deliver us from evil, by which I mean telemarketers. For mine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, until the warranty runs out. Take that.

I believe she missed a couple of the fringe benefits of being a non-believer, such as we get to sleep in late on Sunday and don’t have to shave. Atheist religions? What’s next? Take-out fasting? Silent songs? Nonviolent action films? I’m not optimistic.